Community Chat

[faeriemoon]

There is always one sibling who gets stuck with the brunt of dealing with elderly parents. It never fails.

That being said, I don't think anyone should have to deal with the stress of difficult, whiny, ungrateful relatives. Being old is no excuse for acting this way. Look into assisted living for her. In the end your relationship will be better sans the resentment.

[Financialgrl]

On 12/19/2014 Madisson said:

Thank you, everyone, for your advice. Yes, my mother does have a fairly active social life. She goes to the senior center now and then, but she doesn't really like it. She does take an exercise class there. She has a group of friends she goes out to lunch with every two weeks. She also belongs to a writer's group, and gets together with them weekly. She does not drive anymore, so we take her wherever she wants to go.

She does not need any help with getting dressed, bathing, or other grooming at this point. She would have a problem living alone though because she can't do all the housework and things like opening pickle jars.

She does not want to live in assisted living, although I agree that would be best. I think she has my sisters on her side about this...like I'm the demon for suggesting it. My sisters are more concerned about her spending their inheritance. The only time they will talk about my mother is when it comes to her spending money. We have taken her to look at assisted living places, but she wants to live with us.

She has always been very controlling and demanding, and my father let her get away with it. She has been living with us about four years...since my father died.

Believe me, she is the one who is calling all the shots. I'm definitely not steamrolling over her or my sisters. My husband tells me that I need to get tougher with them.

I like the idea about bringing in a caregiver some weekends so that we can get away. My mother could not be left alone at home, as she is a fall risk...although she does not walk with a cane or walker. (She has a cane but refuses to use it.)

It sounds like I am not the only one who has been in this predicament. Thank you for all your insight and experience. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Ok, I have posted a response twice and it won't show up - I was only going to say - think about what you consider moral support. Think about what you expect. My guess is that your sibs would all be at a loss of how to respond or worse yet, not quite "get" that you deserve an occasional break. I'd suggest going in with ideas - as someone who was a caregiver for our dad for 8 years, I'd never have lasted if were not for my sister and brothers pitching in - often. When they took him for a few days, it acts as a education cuz they get to see things firsthand (maybe not the first time but if they continue to do so).

Not sure if your area has this but some places here offer respite care where they stay in a facility for the amount of time you need to get away or refresh.

[Group 5 minus 1]

If your Mom is that difficult she will complain about the care giver.

[madzonie]

I didn't read all the responses, but would offer a suggestion to find a good caregiver support group in your area - for YOU to attend.

They are often offered through hospitals, the Alzheimer's Assoc., etc. Your mom doesn't have to have Alzheimer's for you to join a support group. It can be so helpful to hear others' stories, to share yours and to laugh! :-)

[Madisson]

Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate all your input. Great idea, Madzonie. I will look into it.

Last night while she was complaining about everything, I asked her if she would not be happier in assisted living as then she could have everything the way she wanted it. She asked if we were trying to get rid of her. My husband had read through your responses also. He told her that perhaps she needed more of a life of her own rather than being with relatives all the time, as she doesn't seem happy with us...and that she seems to need more stimulation in her life.

She responded that she was perfectly happy with us and would be lonely in an assisted living facility. She also said that she likes her little efficiency apartment in our house. She then said that a group of friends had asked her if she would like to join their card playing group that meets weekly. Actually there are two groups she is considering...bridge and canasta, which are her favorite card games. She said that she thinks she will take them up on it. They meet on different days, so maybe if she has something to look forward to everyday, that might be a start.

I loved my dad dearly. He was so kind and gentle, but he was so wrapped up in his career...so he let my mother make all the household and child rearing decisions which she was thrilled about because she was such a control freak. I guess she wants to continue to run our household too. The next time she starts complaining, I'm going to tell her that she has total control within the walls of her little apartment...but inside our house, we have total control. We'll see how that goes over.

[Still Raining]

If your sisters live some distance from you, and due to your mother's or your sister's wishes are not able or willing to provide hands-on care, then you are well within your rights to let everyone know that some of your mother's money IS going to be spent to give you respite. You have rights too.

[rolen]

Madisson - I was reading about your Mom's social life - card groups, writing groups, exercise class, luncheons, etc. I assume many of the ladies in her groups are about her age. Where do they all live? Do any of them share a home with each other or live in assisted living? Your Mom says she would be lonely in assisted living, but I would think some of these friends of hers are living in those kind of places. If you could find a place where some of these friends live maybe your Mom would be happier with others her own age. (They could all sit around and complain about their kids!-LOL). Have you talked much to the children or care takers of her friends? Maybe they could give you some help or insight into your situation.

[Madisson]

Still Raining ~~ Thanks for reminding me that I have rights too. I'm going to sneak that into the conversation with my sister when she is here.

Rolen ~~ Yes, some of my mother's friends are in assisted living. Some of them live with their children. I've seen some of those assisted living apartments, and they really are very nice. One of my mother's friends is in a facility that even has a bar and the residents get a free glass of wine with dinner (if the doctor OK's it). My mother thinks of assisted living as a "glorified nursing home." I've heard that some of them offer "retreat care." I'm going to check into that to see if my mother could stay there when we go on vacation. That would give her a taste of assisted living.

[151949]

IMO - honesty is the best policy and the more direct and to the point you are the less misunderstanding there is. In other words - when people try to beat around the bush and not actually say what is on their mind often the point is lost and the conversation is moot. Sit those sisters down - and get directly to the point . That way there is no wiggle room for misinterpretation.

I have learned in 42 years of nursing that the direct approach to teaching patients about how they need to care for themselves after discharge is much better. Be strong - do not waver - be direct, because people will take advantage of every slight wiggle in what you say and turn it in to a chasm of misunderstanding.

[Financialgrl]

On 12/20/2014 happy housewife said:

IMO - honesty is the best policy and the more direct and to the point you are the less misunderstanding there is. In other words - when people try to beat around the bush and not actually say what is on their mind often the point is lost and the conversation is moot. Sit those sisters down - and get directly to the point . That way there is no wiggle room for misinterpretation.

I have learned in 42 years of nursing that the direct approach to teaching patients about how they need to care for themselves after discharge is much better. Be strong - do not waver - be direct, because people will take advantage of every slight wiggle in what you say and turn it in to a chasm of misunderstanding.

Not sure what's happening when I try to post but I just had a long one disappear that basically said the above. My post had contained much of whats in HH's post. To put it bluntly - to make caregiving work requires communication on all fronts. People are not mind readers and although you probably don't want to create issues during the holidays, don't let this fester to the point it affects your health. Sounds like you have multiple siblings and if so, maybe dumping it all on one sister who happens to visit isn't the best thing to do. But I sure would send a group email or call each one and express that you need help. If you've seen that your mother has been difficult all your life, so have your siblings.

In and among my above posts I explained that I was a caregiver and things went well. My sibs helped and were there whenever I needed them but that didn't happen overnight. My sibs all live within 100 miles of me and yet, anything regarding our father I'd put out in a group email - no misunderstandings and each had the same info. I wanted no reason to say "we didn't know how bad things were" or "you should have asked for help".

Things may improve if your mother is gone twice a week but there are still 5 other days. Telling your mother that she has control over her area and no more sounds good in theory but you need to make sure you call her when she crosses those boundaries. And when she does (as she probably will) then what?

Communicate with your sibs now because at some point you may have enough and decide you can no longer handle your mother. When that time comes, you should communicate with ALL the sibs that your mother is now too difficult to handle and your intent is to look at assisted living places unless one of them wishes to take over and if not, they are welcome to come with you to check out facilities. Make them either part of the solution or part of the problem. Case closed. Any and all excuses about why they can't (they work, live to far away, etc) are not your problem.