Community Chat

[BellaPaprika]

On 12/20/2014 HeartsNdiamondz said:

Shady Pines comes to mind.

[sidsmom]

Many cities/towns have assisted apartments that would be perfect for her! She would have her own apartment, but it's a contained complex w/ a dining room...tons of activites, but the privacy of living. Apartments have panic buttons so if she falls, etc. assistance is immediately there. Plus if dementia or physical issues become an issue, caregivers would see that immediately, whereas family members might be too close to evaluate the situation.

[ROMARY]

O/P: I haven't read all of the replies. Only skimmed them. I did read one of your latest updates: Talking with your mom about assisted living, etc. Seems as though she is beginning to change her demeanor a bit, mentioning joining various card games with friends, etc. I do think she 'got the message' and she just might change her attitude a bit from now on! Sometimes just the mention of assisted living will change a person's attitude/demeanor. Lots of good luck to you and to your mom, too.

[Madisson]

Really great responses from you all...can't thank you enough. It's wonderful receiving advice from someone who has been through it before. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

[kdgn]

I haven't read all the responses but I've read some fairly good ideas so far and some of them are yours, Madisson.

First and foremost, as others have said and you have acknowledged, your mother isn't going to change. Your attitude can change though. You can become tougher towards her, setting up boundaries that she can not cross. She's a difficult woman and you all know that.

I like the idea of telling her that she's in charge within her own apartment, but once she crosses over into your home, she is a guest. A guest has certain behaviors and rearranging your knick-nacks isn't one of them. When she starts to do that, firmly tell her to stop. That you wouldn't rearrange her things and you expect the same courtesy to be shown in your home. If you have to, go over and put things back immediately to emphasize your point.

Allowing one whine for the day: When she starts whining, gently hold up your hand and say "You've had your whine today, mom, no more." Listening to it gets really old and she seems to be whining about things that aren't in her control and that bugs her. Too bad. Your home, your rules or whatever.

If she really starts in complaining, tell her that she has another choice with living arrangements. Assisted living. Your choice mom, live with us and be pleasant or move to assisted living.

Your sisters don't want to hear anything, don't want to give emotional support because they are just thanking their lucky stars that it isn't them. Kind of blocking her from their little ordered lives. Do you have a friend who you can vent to? Someone who might understand? I'm the sounding board for a friend of mine when her mother gets to her-which is often. We have a saying: "And then there is Mother!" But she can unload with me and I give her the emotional support that she so desperately needs and will not get from her sibling. The sibling is just grateful it's her..... My friend says talking to me is the best therapy around because I do understand. Our mothers were similar.

[SnowPink]

There are also many in-home caregivers you can hire to take the load off of you. I would tell your sisters that it's taking a toll on you, but I wouldn't depend on them doing anything about it.

[ROMARY]

I'm for the in-home caregivers!! That's if mom hasn't tried to change her attitude. Also, maybe holding up a sign: "Stop Whining" or "No more whining", etc. I used to hold up various signs when a relative was very hard of hearing. Not a no whining sign, but other helpful signs, such as asking if he wanted a snack, or whatever else. Sometimes folks who are hard of hearing often talk loud, act as though they aren't listening. (Which they aren't, literally.)

[hyacinth003]

On 12/20/2014 Madisson said:

Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate all your input. Great idea, Madzonie. I will look into it.

Last night while she was complaining about everything, I asked her if she would not be happier in assisted living as then she could have everything the way she wanted it. She asked if we were trying to get rid of her. My husband had read through your responses also. He told her that perhaps she needed more of a life of her own rather than being with relatives all the time, as she doesn't seem happy with us...and that she seems to need more stimulation in her life.

She responded that she was perfectly happy with us and would be lonely in an assisted living facility. She also said that she likes her little efficiency apartment in our house. She then said that a group of friends had asked her if she would like to join their card playing group that meets weekly. Actually there are two groups she is considering...bridge and canasta, which are her favorite card games. She said that she thinks she will take them up on it. They meet on different days, so maybe if she has something to look forward to everyday, that might be a start.

I loved my dad dearly. He was so kind and gentle, but he was so wrapped up in his career...so he let my mother make all the household and child rearing decisions which she was thrilled about because she was such a control freak. I guess she wants to continue to run our household too. The next time she starts complaining, I'm going to tell her that she has total control within the walls of her little apartment...but inside our house, we have total control. We'll see how that goes over.

I think that's a fabulous response! Tell her that YOUR home is YOUR home. She has an apartment, and she gets to choose there, but not in your place.

If she continues to complain, remind her that she is FREE TO LEAVE, any time she wants!

I doubt your sisters are going to help if they haven't by now. And I think the idea of respite care for you to take a break is right on.

You have taken her for 4 years. That's a lot of time, and you have done right by her. It's not wrong to ask for a little respect, just as she would have as your mother.

Hyacinth

[YorkieonmyPillow]

Being that your Mom made all the household decisions in her home, why not play to that? In other words, pretend. Think of different things that you need her input on, so that she feels she is in partial control. Just don't be obvious about it. You know, like, "I was thinking about painting the kitchen buff yellow - what do you think, Mom, do you think that would look good?"

It's worth a try.

I wouldn't raise the issue of Assisted Living again. Good luck.

[Madisson]

Thanks again everyone! I'm taking your responses to heart.