Holding grudges or forgiving and forgetting?

newziesuzie · ‎02-21-2014

Why do people hold grudges? I was talking to my DH about this. I have a friend I've known for years and she can not let go of bad feelings. Even if somebody apologized to her she holds what happened against them........forever. ${#emotions_dlg.scared}$ Whether it was a big important situation or a little argument. And she has a good memory lol.

Me, I like to "squash it" and forgive and forget. My DH does too. But I wonder if how we handle it is built into us naturally like our DNA or maybe we learn it. It seems like my friend hurts herself by hanging onto old resentment like its stored away and rerunning in the back of her mind like old home videos. I'm not thinking I can change her just wondering if most of posters think people can "let it go" or not and why?

Smile

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YorkieonmyPillow · ‎01-13-2013

My neighbor is like that. She's angry at her adult daughters.

I think people hold grudges because they want to be "right," they want to feel sorry for themselves as the "injured party," and because they have no conception of how fast time is moving. I also think there are spiritual aspects, some people don't know how to love others.

JMO

reiki604 · ‎03-09-2010

I don't hold grudges but I don't forget either. I believe when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

'I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man'.......Unknown

Irshgrl31201 · ‎03-18-2010

Honestly, I don't have the energy nor memory to hold grudges. If someone does something I can't get over, I end the friendship and move on. In my 44 yrs that has happened twice.

I certainly wouldn't let someone apologize to me with them thinking we are now okay when we are not.

Now there have been times when we still remained friends but simply weren't as close.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK

betteb · ‎03-09-2010

On 1/17/2015 reiki604 said: I don't hold grudges but I don't forget either. I believe when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

I gotta agree with this. Not little things but some things are just too bad to let go.

It's God's job to judge the terrorists. It's our mission to arrange the meeting. U.S. Marines

chiclets · ‎07-01-2012

I do not forget nor necessarily forgive. I move on.

Qwackertoo · ‎03-11-2010

Life's too short!

NoelSeven · ‎03-09-2010

On 1/17/2015 betteb said:
On 1/17/2015 reiki604 said: I don't hold grudges but I don't forget either. I believe when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

I gotta agree with this. Not little things but some things are just too bad to let go.

I agree with you both.

That said, the OP mentioned her friend having a good memory. That could be a clue. People with serious PTSD remember, over and over again. It's not something they can control, and some new therapies are exploring how to get rid of the memory.

I'm not saying an old wound is equivalent to PTSD, but perhaps in some cases the memory is stronger in some people. Stronger and more difficult to push to the side.

A Thrill Of Hope The Weary World Rejoices

circles · ‎03-10-2010

I might still talk to the person....but never forgive or forget.....

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

On 1/17/2015 chiclets said:
I do not forget nor necessarily forgive. I move on.

yep! that's me. I have a sister that got angry over a stupid issue 10+years ago and for once in my life I didn't go to her weeks later to try and 'get back on track'.....so since I didn't go to her, she cut me off at the knees and she was the one that was angry and caused the kurfuffle! I have learned my lesson and sadly my brother is learning the same lesson with her......does not matter what it is, she is always right.