Community Chat

[Plaid Pants2]

@Shanus

You know your son far better than any of here do, and from what you have said, he doesn't sound like the type who would mooch off of you, but is mature and responsible, and has a good head on his shoulders.

I think that if you treat him like the adult that he is, and with respect, everything will turn out fine.

[KingstonsMom]

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@noodleann wrote:

I haven't read more than the first page of replies so I don't know if someone else said it, but the biggest thing I see missing from the OP's list is one that I'd put on the table right now.

It's a deadline.

Things seem rosy right now, but that's before you are outnumbered by another family (yes, they are another family, just ask his wife), and you may come to regret even thinking that your home is "his."

It is not his home, or did  I miss the part where he's made the mortgage payments, paid for the heating and cooling, real estate taxes, etc? It is not his home, it's yours. He's made another life and needs to make his own home elsewhere. NOW is the time to set a deadline for when they leave, BEFORE the wife and kids arrive. I have read account after account of grown children becoming much too comfortable when couch surfing with friends and relations, sponging food, housing, and shelter from them indefinitely. They spend instead of saving, so their security deposit or down payment on a house evaporates. The stress on the put-upon parent can be extreme.

Your son may be responsible, but the fact that he's in this predicament suggests otherwise. Set a deadline now. I'd make it August 15, by which time they should have found a place and moved in and be ready to start the new school year. It needs to be non-negotiable, otherwise it'll be extended and extended.

If your son is not really responsible with money, I'd also require that he pay a substantial amount to you from every paycheck, which you will hold for him in an account that he can check but not access until they've found the house or apartment. Think of it as his way of proving that he is going to assume responsibility for the burden he's shouldered--his wife and kids. If he refuses to let you hold the funds, I would reconsider the entire arrangement, to be frank.

Also, if they foul up and haven't found a place by August 15, you can give him the money and he can buy temporary lodging until they do. If you allow them to stay on, it should be on a paid rental basis. I'd hope you're also making sure he understands that if they're responsible for any property damage, the costs for replacement/repair will be deducted. Having a kitty would ensure you'd be covered.

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Gosh, I trust my child much more than to need to do any of this, but that's just me!

[homedecor1]

@Shanus

I apologize I didn't read the post correctly, I thought you were looking for "rules" yes, it's important you both know what to expect before he moves back.

Im sure it will all work out!

[SydneyH]

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@noodleann wrote:

I haven't read more than the first page of replies so I don't know if someone else said it, but the biggest thing I see missing from the OP's list is one that I'd put on the table right now.

It's a deadline.

Things seem rosy right now, but that's before you are outnumbered by another family (yes, they are another family, just ask his wife), and you may come to regret even thinking that your home is "his."

It is not his home, or did  I miss the part where he's made the mortgage payments, paid for the heating and cooling, real estate taxes, etc? It is not his home, it's yours. He's made another life and needs to make his own home elsewhere. NOW is the time to set a deadline for when they leave, BEFORE the wife and kids arrive. I have read account after account of grown children becoming much too comfortable when couch surfing with friends and relations, sponging food, housing, and shelter from them indefinitely. They spend instead of saving, so their security deposit or down payment on a house evaporates. The stress on the put-upon parent can be extreme.

Your son may be responsible, but the fact that he's in this predicament suggests otherwise. Set a deadline now. I'd make it August 15, by which time they should have found a place and moved in and be ready to start the new school year. It needs to be non-negotiable, otherwise it'll be extended and extended.

If your son is not really responsible with money, I'd also require that he pay a substantial amount to you from every paycheck, which you will hold for him in an account that he can check but not access until they've found the house or apartment. Think of it as his way of proving that he is going to assume responsibility for the burden he's shouldered--his wife and kids. If he refuses to let you hold the funds, I would reconsider the entire arrangement, to be frank.

Also, if they foul up and haven't found a place by August 15, you can give him the money and he can buy temporary lodging until they do. If you allow them to stay on, it should be on a paid rental basis. I'd hope you're also making sure he understands that if they're responsible for any property damage, the costs for replacement/repair will be deducted. Having a kitty would ensure you'd be covered.

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I too believe a harder line is necessary, wouldn't a man of that age have funds to live elesewhere?

[SydneyH]

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@Shanus wrote:

@SydneyH. So far, no one agreed...no ❤️s on your post. He's not just any "45 year old man". He's my son. Jeeeez!

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I don't post here for hearts, and yes I understand this man is your son.  Not everyone is going to agree with this so called arrangement however it's your life, carry on...........

[JaneMarple]

I understand perfectly what this thread is saying, the OP's son is transferring his job back home, what's so hard to understand? He's going to be staying with his parents while scouting out a home to purchase. His wife and kids will join him later after school is over.

I wish that I could apologise for the mean and insulting posts @Shanus, some of them can't help themselves and I wonder if it comes from envy that they wish they had the loving relationship that you have with your kids? 

[sophiamarie]

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@Shanus wrote:

@libbyannE. DIL is my daughter in law. My granddaughters have been here for weeks at a time since they were born and "do better" for me than their parents because I don't give 3 or 4 chances or warnings...1 is enough. They know that and don't push back. Parents marvel at skill w/ them.

These are my kids, my family. Clutter can be lived with while they're here. I'm sure they'll be anxious to find a place of their own since all their things will be in storage.

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@Shanus  So, who is going to be the disciplinarian in "your" home?  Did you forget already - you aren't setting just "one more place at the table" - it will be FOUR.  Are you ready to cook for four more people every day, or will you be sharing the kitchen with DIL?

[cherry]

@Shanus  I am happy for all of you. It sounds like you have a good handle on life, and family

[Mom2Dogs]

I understand that the OP's son is moving back to the area and will be looking for a home...hopefully it all happens quickly for everyone's sake.

My sister stayed here for only 3 days two summers ago, I became a person I did not recognize, I was not rude to her but I thought my head would explode before she left....my step daughter lived with us for 2 years.....she was still in high school when she moved in, her mother could not cope with her any longer.....I was not sure our marriage would survive those two years.  I did not have kids so living with a teen was new to me let alone having someone in our house.  I felt like a stranger in my own home, but I NEVER would have told my dh that she could not move in, it was his daughter, we made it thru tough as it was.

[JaneMarple]

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

I understand that the OP's son is moving back to the area and will be looking for a home...hopefully it all happens quickly for everyone's sake.

My sister stayed here for only 3 days two summers ago, I became a person I did not recognize, I was not rude to her but I thought my head would explode before she left....my step daughter lived with us for 2 years.....she was still in high school when she moved in, her mother could not cope with her any longer.....I was not sure our marriage would survive those two years.  I did not have kids so living with a teen was new to me let alone having someone in our house.  I felt like a stranger in my own home, but I NEVER would have told my dh that she could not move in, it was his daughter, we made it thru tough as it was.

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You can't relate to this arrangement because you're not a mother, besides everyone's experience is different and shouldn't be gauged by someone else's bad experience.