Community Chat

[foundinlv]

On 11/19/2014 Complicated said:

I don't like the guilt inducing feeling that sometimes comes across when people tell others they need to forgive.

Like there is something wrong with the person that can't or won't forgive.

Too personal to make blanket statements, for me.

What I don't like is the idea that some trite silly, singsong rhyming dumb message that keeps getting posted over and over again makes everything fine and dandy. Really?

The remedy is distance and permanency. The cousin will never be allowed in my life again, period.

[colliegirls]

On 11/19/2014 makeup addict said:

I was at a Women of Faith conference this weekend and they shared this story. She lost her daughter on Mother's Day. Matthew West wrote a song about Forgiveness in part to this story.

Forgiveness is release.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mothers-forgiveness-gives-convict-second-chance/

(CBS News) TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Not many convicts consider themselves blessed, but Eric Smallridge does, and for good reason. He's getting out of prison -- way early.

"It's going to be like being on borrowed time, because I know I should still be in prison, because the justice system said I should still be in prison," Eric says.

Lisa Dickson and Meagan Napier.

CBS NEWS/NAPIER FAMILY

In 2003, Eric, of Tallahassee, Fla., was found guilty of two counts of DUI manslaughter. While driving at twice the legal limit for alcohol, he hit a car carrying Lisa Dickson and Meagan Napier, both 20, killing both girls instantly. He got 22 years for the crime, which sounded just about right to Renee Napier, Meagan's mom.

"I felt like our system had served us well and justice had been served. I definitely felt that," Renee says.

But a few years later, a woman came forward and asked the judge to reduce Eric's sentence by half. She claimed Eric was truly sorry for what he'd done and deserved leniency. The judge obliged -- partly because of what she said, but mostly because of who she was.

Renee's 180-degree shift began with the single turn of a single phrase. First at Eric's sentencing and later in a letter, Renee told Eric she'd forgiven him, even though, at the time, she hadn't -- not really. At trial, Eric had actually been pretty defensive and unapologetic.

"I could hate him forever and the world would tell me that I have a right to do that," Renee says. "It's not going to do me any good, and it's not going to do him any good. I would grow old and bitter and angry and hateful. ... In my opinion, forgiveness is the only way to heal."

She says it did heal her -- almost as much as it healed him.

"It was like a burden," he says. "It was a weight off my chest. I no longer had to hide behind this facade."

Renee Napier embraces Eric Smallridge.

CBS NEWS/PENSACOLA NEWS JOURNAL

Following the forgiveness, Eric apologized repeatedly and profusely -- in private and in public -- to the families of both girls. Eventually, Lisa's parents forgave him, too, which only inspired Eric to atone even more.

While still in custody, Eric agreed to speak at high schools with Renee, telling kids, as only they can, the consequences of drinking and driving. They both plan to continue doing this even after Eric's release.

"I'm going to go to wherever we need to go to spread this message, because I don't believe it's about us anymore," he says.

"There's going to be healing, and there's going to be good things from here on out," says Renee.

This week Eric Smallridge was released from custody into the arms of his parents -- his mom so grateful that she actually hugged the guard first.

It's a happy ending that would have never existed without forgiveness. Because of that one powerful word, tonight he is free. And so is she.

The Meagan Napier Foundation

I very much admire the strength of that mother. However, there is no happy ending, her daughter is dead before her time and that is forever.

[makeup addict]

and the mother could have been anger and bitter for the rest of her life. Her daughter is dead and forgiving or not forgiving is not going to bring her back. She chose to take the anger and bitter and do something with it. It's not a Disney ending; it never will be, but by forgiving, she is now living instead of holding onto hate. I don't know if I could do what she did.

[bells4me]

ho hum.

[151949]

My first husband was robbed and murdered at his business and my parents were killed by a drunk driver.I have learned the value of forgiving the hard way.It is not an easy thing to do - but it is the only way to free yourself so you can have a happy life.

[makeup addict]

Wow. You are a strong woman to go thru all of that loss.

[151949]

On 11/19/2014 makeup addict said: Wow. You are a strong woman to go thru all of that loss.

I did not have any choice.

[jubilant]

I think forgiveness is a very important. None of us are perfect and we all need forgiveness at times. When you forgive it sets you free. I do think some people think to forgive is to forget and I don't believe that. So many abused women (and men) have this all mixed up. The person forgiven is still accountable for their actions. That helps you and it has the potential to help them. To not hold someone accountable for their actions against you is actually saying to them.....you can treat me any way you want to and I will still be there. It does nothing more than to continue on doing the same to you and maybe others. That doesn't help you and it doesn't help them so it's a "no win" situation for both people. There are some people you detach from and it causes them to look at themselves in a new way. They realize what they have done and want the relationship back and are willing to change. To me detachment done with a forgiving heart is sometimes the only hope for a relationship to improve. If it doesn't work then you have released some toxins from your life and will be all the more healthy for it. Actually, detaching for the sake of saving a relationship is a "loving" thing to do. The other person probably won't see it that way but as long as your spirit is in the right place that does not matter.

[colliegirls]

I am not sure that "forgiveness" is always the accurate description, often it is learning to live with it and moving on from it.

[NC Bandwagon]

On 11/19/2014 ILikeShade said:

On 11/19/2014 Complicated said:

I don't like the guilt inducing feeling that sometimes comes across when people tell others they need to forgive.

Like there is something wrong with the person that can't or won't forgive.

Too personal to make blanket statements, for me.

What I don't like is the idea that some trite silly, singsong rhyming dumb message that keeps getting posted over and over again makes everything fine and dandy. Really?

The remedy is distance and permanency. The cousin will never be allowed in my life again, period.

Sorry for what you two went through. I do understand what you're both saying though. I won't tell you what to do or suggest anything to do. I'll just say try to stay away from people that bring up bitter and hurt feelings. I hope you both can have a happy Thanksgiving.