Family Issue/Concern

Sunnyfield · ‎04-20-2010

Sort of a complicated issue but thought I would ask for your thoughts.

Have a stepson (J) who has been involved in a relationship for several years...the girlfriend was in prison for two and a half years (drugs) - got out about a year ago...shortly after she got out, she was seeing another man behind J's back - J found out - dumped her for about a month and then took her back....

J and the girlfriend announced she was pregnant and had the baby this summer - J is on the birth certificate as the father although his brothers and I suspected the baby is not biologically his....which is not really the issue, if he chooses to raise the child with her as his. That is of course his choice....

What we are concerned about is that there have been several Facebook postings on the other guy's FB page, indicating that the gf is still involved with the other guy and that the baby is definitely his, not J's...

We (the family) are kind of at a loss re: whether J knows all of this, and is just lying to the famiily when he says they are still together (out of embarrassment, anger, sadness????) ...or whether he is really in the dark about it...

no one has seen her or the baby since shortly after the birth.

My question is...should his brothers confront J? Should we leave it alone and pretend that all is AOK? I am just sending a "family" Christmas gift...(J has an 11 year old son)...

I suppose is it none of our business too...but I just hate having a lie perpetuated, if that is what is happening...

Opinions?

game-on · ‎03-22-2010

Sunnyfield....I suggest you just love this young man thru this.... and dont get involved with the details unless he talks to you.... life is difficult enough without having our family seemingly against us.... I hope this holiday season is good for all of you...

ROMARY · ‎04-28-2010

Gosh, this is a tough one.........I honestly don't have any suggestions right now. Maybe some of the other posters can direct you in a good direction. The best of luck to all and the dear baby.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).

Peaches McPhee · ‎04-19-2010

I suggest doing nothing, and just treating everyone well, and minding your own business.

If your stepson has a family, he is a man, and thus can take care of this own business.

I know it is hard, but this is my advice.

-- pro-aging --

Rochester, New York

Sunnyfield · ‎04-20-2010

@game-on wrote:
Sunnyfield....I suggest you just love this young man thru this.... and dont get involved with the details unless he talks to you.... life is difficult enough without having our family seemingly against us.... I hope this holiday season is good for all of you...

@game-on

Thank you for your thoughts - and good wishes - and the same to you and yours...

I guess I just hate that he, a 32 year old man feels that he needs to lie to us (if that is what he is doing)...or that he is being taken for a fool and being used and manipulated, if that is what is happening....

dex · ‎03-09-2010

I have to agree with Peaches ..anyhow if you saw things on Facebook then I am sure your stepson saw them too..He will have to make his own choices and mistakes with his life as we all do.

deepwaterdotter · ‎03-09-2010

I would hate to be a family member charged with having spread rumors.

fortune · ‎03-14-2010

@Sunnyfield wrote:
Sort of a complicated issue but thought I would ask for your thoughts.

Have a stepson (J) who has been involved in a relationship for several years...the girlfriend was in prison for two and a half years (drugs) - got out about a year ago...shortly after she got out, she was seeing another man behind J's back - J found out - dumped her for about a month and then took her back....

J and the girlfriend announced she was pregnant and had the baby this summer - J is on the birth certificate as the father although his brothers and I suspected the baby is not biologically his....which is not really the issue, if he chooses to raise the child with her as his. That is of course his choice....

What we are concerned about is that there have been several Facebook postings on the other guy's FB page, indicating that the gf is still involved with the other guy and that the baby is definitely his, not J's...

We (the family) are kind of at a loss re: whether J knows all of this, and is just lying to the famiily when he says they are still together (out of embarrassment, anger, sadness????) ...or whether he is really in the dark about it...
no one has seen her or the baby since shortly after the birth.

My question is...should his brothers confront J? Should we leave it alone and pretend that all is AOK? I am just sending a "family" Christmas gift...(J has an 11 year old son)...

I suppose is it none of our business too...but I just hate having a lie perpetuated, if that is what is happening...

Opinions?

Is his dad in the picture? Is he especially close to any of his brothers? He really needs a family member to talk to to help him consider his options. If the baby is not biologically his, then there could be future problems with custody and financial support. Or if the baby is his, these same problems could arise. I wonder if he could get a paternity test on the baby. Maybe after talking it over, he may just want to leave things as they are. But, he should discuss his options with someone who cares about him.

Mustang Shar · ‎03-24-2010

from a legal standpoint, as they aren't married, you could suggest getting DNA test for absolute legal confirmation and child support issues that could arise at a later date. Or perhaps for your own Estate/Will provisions.

I don't see any easier way to approach it. But the Estate thing, could do it. If there is ANY doubt in the Mom's mind, she might have a fit.....that could be enough to make your son, pause.