Community Chat

[Noel7]

Stay out of it, do not interfere because you can't win.  You don't really know the truth of it all so it will be seen as making trouble for the young family.  Assume J is not an idiot and has considered the probabilities himself.

You don't want to make J your enemy or cause trouble where there may not be any trouble.  He's a grown man, let him have the privilege of handling his own life.

[Deb1010again]

You have a difficult situation on your hands.  It's important to realize it's only going to get harder especially as the child gets older.  At least now, as an infant, the baby isn't fully aware of being used the way he/she is.  I'd have your older son stress to him when they talk that he needs to do right by the child.  The child deserves to know who his real father is regardless of the stupid games his mother is playing.  This is a time bomb waiting to go off.

[RainyDayGal]

Whether it's the popular answer or not, I would have the brother ask him about the FB posts.  If I was the one being cheated on my friends/family had better step up and let me know.  Since when is it not OK for family and close friends to ask?

She could catch an STD.  And I also think he should have a paternity test.  

I just believe he has the right to know.  So have the brother, or someone that is close, ask.  If he doesn't get an answer from J then you drop it, but at least it's brought to his attention if he doesn't already know.   

[Noel7]

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@Sunnyfield wrote:

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Sadly, his dad passed way this summer just before the new baby was born...he is not exceptionally close to either of his brothers any more - but his oldest brother wants to talk with him about it...it is a good point about considerig options....he is very difficult to talk to and tends to get angry rather than having a rational conversation....

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@Sunnyfield, if he has anger issues as you suggest, I'd think that's a major factor in what you do.  You don't want to set off a powder keg, it could backfire on you or he could take it out on the young woman.

[Blahblahvampemer]

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@Noel7 wrote:

Stay out of it, do not interfere because you can't win.  You don't really know the truth of it all so it will be seen as making trouble for the young family.  Assume J is not an idiot and has considered the probabilities himself.

You don't want to make J your enemy or cause trouble where there may not be any trouble.  He's a grown man, let him have the privilege of handling his own life.

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She may not win, but the baby's paternity needs to be determined because there are a slew of legal issues that MUST be addressed.  The longer it's ignored, the worse the situation can get.  I know this by watching s similar scenario with a friend.  

[Noel7]

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@blahblahvampemerblah wrote:

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@Noel7 wrote:

Stay out of it, do not interfere because you can't win.  You don't really know the truth of it all so it will be seen as making trouble for the young family.  Assume J is not an idiot and has considered the probabilities himself.

You don't want to make J your enemy or cause trouble where there may not be any trouble.  He's a grown man, let him have the privilege of handling his own life.

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She may not win, but the baby's paternity needs to be determined because there are a slew of legal issues that MUST be addressed.  The longer it's ignored, the worse the situation can get.  I know this by watching s similar scenario with a friend.  

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Paternity tests can be taken at any time, the DNA is not going to change or age out.

That, and it's J's business, not his family's.

[Lilysmom]

@Sunnyfield, this is a difficult situation.  Given the fact that this is your stepson and not your son, I think I would let sleeping dogs lie.  If someone in his immediate family wants to intervene, let them do it.  Especially if the young man has anger issues.  I would be ready to support him in the event this all falls apart but I would not be the instigator of the intervention.

Good luck to you.  LM

[Nightowlz]

That's a tough one. I think maybe he should talk to his father or brother about this. His name is already on the birth certificate so he's probably already stuck with child support if & when it comes to that. I think he needs to know if he is the daddy or not. Down the road medical issues, financial matters etc can come up & would be easier to know the answer before any of those things pop up especially a medical situation.

Forgot to say if the girlfriend is still running around with the other guy if I were your son I would not want to pay child support for that child while she's off with some other guy & just using him for some cash.

[fortune]

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@Sunnyfield wrote:

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@fortune wrote:

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@Sunnyfield wrote:

Sort of a complicated issue but thought I would ask for your thoughts.

Have a stepson (J) who has been involved in a relationship for several years...the girlfriend was in prison for two and a half years (drugs) - got out about a year ago...shortly after she got out, she was seeing another man behind J's back - J found out - dumped her for about a month and then took her back....

J and the girlfriend announced she was pregnant and had the baby this summer - J is on the birth certificate as the father although his brothers and I suspected the baby is not biologically his....which is not really the issue, if he chooses to raise the child with her as his.  That is of course his choice....

What we are concerned about is that there have been several Facebook postings on the other guy's FB page, indicating that the gf is still involved with the other guy and that the baby is definitely his, not J's...

We (the family) are kind of at a loss re: whether J knows all of this, and is just lying to the famiily when he says they are still together (out of embarrassment, anger, sadness????) ...or whether he is really in the dark about it...

no one has seen her or the baby since shortly after the birth.

My question is...should his brothers confront J?  Should we leave it alone and pretend that all is AOK?  I am just sending a "family" Christmas gift...(J has an 11 year old son)...

I suppose is it none of our business too...but I just hate having a lie perpetuated, if that is what is happening...

Opinions?

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Is his dad in the picture?  Is he especially close to any of his brothers?  He really needs a family member to talk to to help him consider his options.  If the baby is not biologically his, then there could be future problems with custody and financial support.  Or if the baby is his, these same problems could arise.  I wonder if he could get a paternity test on the baby.  Maybe after talking it over, he may just want to leave things as they are.  But, he should discuss his options with someone who cares about him.

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@fortune

Sadly, his dad passed way this summer just before the new baby was born...he is not exceptionally close to either of his brothers any more - but his oldest brother wants to talk with him about it...it is a good point about considerig options....he is very difficult to talk to and tends to get angry rather than having a rational conversation....

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If his oldest brother approaches the conversation with "Here's some stuff you should know and then you can make an informed decision.  We'll support you whatever you should decide to do."  The talk should be about the baby and the options of both the biological dad and the custodial dad.  I don't think his brother should tell him about the Facebook stuff.  He needs to have someone to support him and to talk to, not to tattle on his girlfriend.

It sounds like he may be 32, but is still a little too immature to see very far down the road from "today."

Sounds like you care a lot about him.  He's lucky!

[Blahblahvampemer]

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@Noel7 wrote:

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@blahblahvampemerblah wrote:

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@Noel7 wrote:

Stay out of it, do not interfere because you can't win.  You don't really know the truth of it all so it will be seen as making trouble for the young family.  Assume J is not an idiot and has considered the probabilities himself.

You don't want to make J your enemy or cause trouble where there may not be any trouble.  He's a grown man, let him have the privilege of handling his own life.

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She may not win, but the baby's paternity needs to be determined because there are a slew of legal issues that MUST be addressed.  The longer it's ignored, the worse the situation can get.  I know this by watching s similar scenario with a friend.  

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Paternity tests can be taken at any time, the DNA is not going to change or age out.

That, and it's J's business, not his family's.

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You missed the point.  The longer it drags out, the more likely it is that the courts could still see him as the father even if he isn't. In the interest of the child and all that.  Plenty of men are paying child support for a kid that doesn't share their DNA.  Also, does it help the baby to leave this unsettled?  You seem to think that time passing doesn't matter.

Think of it another way.  There's a difference between a couple living together and one that has a common-law marriage.  They look similar, but the legal implications aren't remotely close.