Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,673
Registered: ‎03-10-2010


[ Edited ]


1.   I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong.  Like that one time I got married.


2.   Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?  Too many cheetahs.


3.   What do you call a fat psychic?  A four chin teller.


4.   My girlfriend accused me of cheating.  I told her she was starting to sound just like my wife.


5.   A man asked me for a donation toward the local swimming pool.  So I gave him a glass of water.


6.   I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.  I lost the case.


7.   What do you say to a hitchhiker?  Hop in.


8.   What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?  A flat miner.


9.   How do trees get online?  They just log in.


10.   What do you call a singing laptop?  A Dell.


11.   I don't know what Armageddon means.  So What?  It's not the end of the world.


12.   My neighbors are listening to great music.  Whether they like it or not.


13.   It is important to take breaks between individual exercises.  I personally stick to breaks of about 3 - 4 years.


14.   Once I started to read between the lines, I realized that all books were really the same.


15.   Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.


16.   Hearing voices in your head is normal.  Listening to them is quite common.  Agreeing with them- acceptable.  It's only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.


17.   Of course I have talent.  I'm really good in bed.  Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.


18.   "If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ Level."


19.   First rule of Sundays:  If you can't reach it from your couch, you don't need it.


20.   According to my mirror I am pregnant.  The father is Nutella.






The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,662
Registered: ‎03-09-2010