1. What's white and can't climb a tree?
A refrigerator
2. Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give us?"
Student: "Meat"
Teacher: "Very good!
Now what does the pig give us?"
Student: "Bacon"
Teacher: "Great" "And what does the fat cow give us?"
Student: "Homework"
3. A teacher asked her students to use the word 'beans'
in a sentence. "My father grows beans." said one girl.
"My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third
student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
4. A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That is disgusting, don't talk about things like that over
dinner." After dinner the father asks, "Now son,
what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing." The boy
says. "There was a bug in your soup but it's gone now."
5. Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping in school?
A. It's okay. He woke up.
6. An average wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took
her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. "The same as you I suppose.", she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass. "Yuck, that's terrible she sputtered. "I
don't know how you can drink that stuff." "Well, there
you go," cited the husband. "And you think I'm enjoying
myself every night."
7. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the
other and says, "Dam."
8. Guy 1: I slept like a baby last nigh.
Guy 2: Oh really?
Guy 3: "Yeah! I woke up every two hours crying."
9. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
You never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
10. A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife is going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No!" This is her husband."
11. A wife complains. "A wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch. Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."
12. What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner
13. Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
14. Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat and surrounded by sharks. How would you survive? Quit imagining.
15. "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.
16. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out several years. a good lawyer can make it last even longer,
17. What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
18. You Might Be A Lawyer If...
* You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
* You believe that a 40 word sentence is a short one.
* Your other car is a BMW.
* When you look in a mirror you see a lawyer,
19. "Dad, can you write in the dark?" "I think so,what is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card."
20. Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know"
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, Bark."
Sam: "Bow, Wow, Wow"
21. What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond? One of them eventually matures and earns money.
22. If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? A secret.
23. When 2 egotists meet it's an I for an I. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
S Marshall
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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