Community Chat

[stilltamn8r]

On 2/28/2014 ennui1 said:

On 2/28/2014 stilltamn8r said:

How could you possibly raise a child, knowing that everything you are telling them is a lie?

Like Cinderella, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy?

Jack Nicholson was brought up believing that his maternal grandparents, John Joseph Nicholson (a department store window dresser in Manasquan, New Jersey) and Ethel May (née Rhoads, a hairdresser, beautician and amateur artist in Manasquan), were his parents. Nicholson only discovered that his "parents" were actually his grandparents and his "sister" was his mother in 1974, after a journalist for TIME magazine who was doing a feature on Nicholson informed him of the fact. Jack was around 37.

I know you are just joking here- certainly Cinderella and other fairy tales are sort of "rights of passage" tales told to kids, but it is not something that they base their entire identity and sense of self and trust on- Yeah, maybe its a let down when you find out Mom and dad are Santa, but what about finding out Mom and Dad AREN"T mom and Dad, and everything those you trusted most, about the most sacred thing, your identity, were not truthful with you? How can you look your kid in the eye and DO that? If you 'e a parent, then you can't-

And how sad for JAck Nicholson, to found out his whole life was a lie..I am sure he keeps many therapists in couches over THAT one...

[Rununculus]

There were a couple of adopted children in my extended family and friends, and if not told they ultimately found out, so we all concluded it's best to be open about such things and bring it up in age-appropriate ways as they grow. And to emphasize that they are chosen and cherished.

It has to be different for everyone adopted whether or not they want to know their bio parents. I would probably want to meet them. In general from the stories I've heard, this can lead to disappointment when they don't live up to their imagined selves, after all they're just people.

[Rununculus]

Re Bobby Darin and Jack Nicholson... sad. There's someone like that in my family, and I'm not privy to exactly when and how he learned the truth. But if it pained him he got past it. Fortunately he is a great guy, well loved by family, has a wife and two children. So there's a happy ending for some in this scenario.

[Jannabelle]

On 3/1/2014 ennui1 said:

On 3/1/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 3/1/2014 cyndog said: Singer Bobby Darin found out in his 30's that his "sister" was actually his mother and his "mother" who raised him was really his grandmother and it sent him into a long depression. He felt so lied to all those years.

That is so sad.

I posted the same thing about Jack Nicholson and no one noticed. Maybe I'm on "ignore."

You not on ignore by me, ennui1, I did not see your posts, but that is very sad too, I hate when people have to suffer and it could have easily been avoided.

[Yardlie]

If you love that child, then you should do what is best for the child, IMO. That means giving the child the opportunity to know the biological parents if desired...if for no other reason than to gather necessary medical information.

I think that the fact that the child was adopted should be presented to the child when it is old enough to understand that the biological parents loved the child so much that they wanted the child to have a better life than they were able to give it when it was born.

If you choose not to tell the child that it was adopted, then you need to talk to a mental health counsellor. Do you feel threatened? Obviously, the biological parents did not feel threatened when they gave up the child. There is plenty of love to go around.

[~moxie~]

On 3/1/2014 Brinklii said:

If you love that child, then you should do what is best for the child, IMO. That means giving the child the opportunity to know the biological parents if desired...if for no other reason than to gather necessary medical information.

I think that the fact that the child was adopted should be presented to the child when it is old enough to understand that the biological parents loved the child so much that they wanted the child to have a better life than they were able to give it when it was born.

If you choose not to tell the child that it was adopted, then you need to talk to a mental health counsellor. Do you feel threatened? Obviously, the biological parents did not feel threatened when they gave up the child. There is plenty of love to go around.

All my friends that had adopted children started tell them how special they were and that their mother and father knew they could not take care of her so they found good parents for them. None of these children were traumatized about it and grew up knowing how much their parents loved them enough to find a good home for them. Some sought their birth parent when they were older, and some of the mothers were happy to see them and others rejected them. The children fared very well.

[JeanLouiseFinch]

1. I think it would be a mistake to hide the adoption. Rather, let the child grow up knowing he/she was "chosen". Details could be revealed as the child is able to understand them.

2. There is no right or wrong, answer if a child does or doesn't want to find the bio parents, depending on the circumstances surrounding the reasons for putting the child up for adoption (unwed teen mom, abusive home, financial hardship, special needs, abandonment, etc.)

3. I've never been in this situation, but I think it's a mistake to try to hide the information from the child. Somewhere, someone in the family will eventually slip and say something. Honesty is the best policy. The child raised in a secure, loving adoptive home will be able to handle the news. There's no shame in being adopted and hiding it is more about the parents' comfort level than protecting the child, IMO. That doesn't mean you dump everything on him/her at once. The adoptive parents should use discretion and be open to answering questions as the child wants to know more.

[JeanLouiseFinch]

On 2/28/2014 lulu2 said:

If the child were the result of ra*pe, I do not know when or if I'd share that information.

My dad was the youngest of his siblings and came to my grandma and grandpa late in life. He had sister who had some features that were different from the rest of the siblings. This aunt passed away when I was probably around 12 yrs. old. Growing up, I had no idea of the reason why she looked different from the others, but when I was in my early 20's, my sister (8 yrs. older than me), filled me in on the fact that my grandma had been raped and and that aunt was the result. I guess it's a matter of how you choose to look at things. Yes, a terrible thing to happen to my grandma, but the child did nothing wrong and we were blessed to have her as part of our family.

[puglet1]

Of course I would tell my adopted child they were adopted as soon as I felt they were old enough to understand. I would support them either way if they wanted to contact their biological parents or not.

[serenity4ever]

You tell them as soon as possible. In a closed adoption I wouldn't go searching. It might open up a can of worms for the biological mom. I don't know why someone would not tell their child that they were adopted other than maybe they are afraid the child would go searching later on in life....maybe fear of losing their child by the adoptive parents.