Community Chat

[Claire W]

I expect honesty. I would not choose to be ignorant - and certainly not ignorant about my own identity. I prefer the truth, painful or not.

[HisElk]

On 3/5/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/2/2014 HisElk said:

On 3/1/2014 LoopyLoo said:

On 3/1/2014 Irshgrl31201 said:

I would start telling a child when they had the capability to understand. I have friends who adopted and they started by telling their daughter that she didn't come from mommys tummy but from her heart. I liked that.

Our son's background is identical to that of Lila Belle's brother. Shortly after he arrived, I came across this little poem--40 years later, I still have the clipping and am so touched by it.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

Yet still miraculously my own

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Yes, they should be told IMO. I was adopted at 4 days old and the doctor actually delivered me to my parents which happened to be on my dad's birthday.

The part I bolded is what my mother told me since the day I can remember. During "story" time, this was what she talked about. She called it the "story of my life".

Although I wanted to know "where I came from", my mother was nervous about that and I promised her I would not try to locate my birth parents. My dad who, IMO, was supportive of whatever my decision was.

After my mother passed, I was able to locate my birth mother, who happened to live only 5 miles away. My bio dad was killed in the Korean war I found out. I did meet my birth mother and it wasn't a real good relationship. She wanted me to call her "mom" and I refused and she couldn't handle that. I told her about my children who were very small at the time and asked if she wanted to meet them, but she accused me of trying to find her to get money from her which wasn't true at all. After that, I decided to end the relationship. She couldn't handle that and she visited my dad's house and begged him to talk to me to have me call her "mom". He was polite, but stood his ground and told her to respect my wishes. She couldn't handle it and we haven't spoken since.

All I know is that after meeting her, I am so glad she put me up for adoption. I have met my half sisters since that time and my bio first cousin works at my eye doctor's office. So, once a year, we get to say hello to one another, but that's about it.

In closing, I think it's the best to let the child know that they were adopted. Sorry for the long post.

Oy. I'm glad for you. She sounds like she has a lot of issues.

Hey mistri, your words "lot of issues" is an understatement. When I thought I found her, (this was before the internet existed) I wrote her a letter. Her "boyfriend" called me and said she wanted to meet me. When I got to meet her the first time, it was apparent she did not have all of her faculties about her. One of the first things she asked me was whether I found my father (bio). I already knew that he was killed when I was 2 years old, so I told her that I knew he passed. What turned me off the most with her was that she blurted out that I was a product of her being raped. It really bothered me and I'm not saying I didn't believe her, but he wasn't alive to tell me "his" side.

It's a long story, but I ended up meeting his daughters to his wife. They invited me over for a lunch. The strange thing was that at 2 pm, the grandfather clock started chiming and everyone looked very strangely at it - dead silence. I couldn't understand why the strange looks until his widow told me that the clock has not chimed for years, even with someone in to work on repairing it. My bio father was supposedly killed around 2 (not sure if am or pm), but it definitely chimed and we all heard it.

As for not telling someone they are adopted, and then finding out later in life, I would not be able to trust those people ever again. I would always wonder what they were keeping from me and my trust would be gone.

[Claire W]

I so appreciate my parents for taking me in but trust is gone in my story. No one mentions this lie of omission, I guess because it is water under the bridge. My parents choose to turn their anger at the one who let the cat out of the bag (or the one who spoke truth) instead of admitting to their own insecurities at my expense. I have not chosen to hunt for my biological parents - for some reason I don't.feel the need. I have incorporated the traditions of the family I was adopted into. I am a fairly accomplished adult but issues of trust have since plagued me.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/5/2014 HisElk said:

On 3/5/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/2/2014 HisElk said:

On 3/1/2014 LoopyLoo said:

On 3/1/2014 Irshgrl31201 said:

I would start telling a child when they had the capability to understand. I have friends who adopted and they started by telling their daughter that she didn't come from mommys tummy but from her heart. I liked that.

Our son's background is identical to that of Lila Belle's brother. Shortly after he arrived, I came across this little poem--40 years later, I still have the clipping and am so touched by it.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

Yet still miraculously my own

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Yes, they should be told IMO. I was adopted at 4 days old and the doctor actually delivered me to my parents which happened to be on my dad's birthday.

The part I bolded is what my mother told me since the day I can remember. During "story" time, this was what she talked about. She called it the "story of my life".

Although I wanted to know "where I came from", my mother was nervous about that and I promised her I would not try to locate my birth parents. My dad who, IMO, was supportive of whatever my decision was.

After my mother passed, I was able to locate my birth mother, who happened to live only 5 miles away. My bio dad was killed in the Korean war I found out. I did meet my birth mother and it wasn't a real good relationship. She wanted me to call her "mom" and I refused and she couldn't handle that. I told her about my children who were very small at the time and asked if she wanted to meet them, but she accused me of trying to find her to get money from her which wasn't true at all. After that, I decided to end the relationship. She couldn't handle that and she visited my dad's house and begged him to talk to me to have me call her "mom". He was polite, but stood his ground and told her to respect my wishes. She couldn't handle it and we haven't spoken since.

All I know is that after meeting her, I am so glad she put me up for adoption. I have met my half sisters since that time and my bio first cousin works at my eye doctor's office. So, once a year, we get to say hello to one another, but that's about it.

In closing, I think it's the best to let the child know that they were adopted. Sorry for the long post.

Oy. I'm glad for you. She sounds like she has a lot of issues.

Hey mistri, your words "lot of issues" is an understatement. When I thought I found her, (this was before the internet existed) I wrote her a letter. Her "boyfriend" called me and said she wanted to meet me. When I got to meet her the first time, it was apparent she did not have all of her faculties about her. One of the first things she asked me was whether I found my father (bio). I already knew that he was killed when I was 2 years old, so I told her that I knew he passed. What turned me off the most with her was that she blurted out that I was a product of her being raped. It really bothered me and I'm not saying I didn't believe her, but he wasn't alive to tell me "his" side.

It's a long story, but I ended up meeting his daughters to his wife. They invited me over for a lunch. The strange thing was that at 2 pm, the grandfather clock started chiming and everyone looked very strangely at it - dead silence. I couldn't understand why the strange looks until his widow told me that the clock has not chimed for years, even with someone in to work on repairing it. My bio father was supposedly killed around 2 (not sure if am or pm), but it definitely chimed and we all heard it.

That's unsettling...the whole thing.

I'm glad things turned out in your favor, HisElk. Life could've been so much different for you if your bio mom had kept you. I'm glad you were given to people with more to offer.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/5/2014 Claire W said: I so appreciate my parents for taking me in but trust is gone in my story. No one mentions this lie of omission, I guess because it is water under the bridge. My parents choose to turn their anger at the one who let the cat out of the bag (or the one who spoke truth) instead of admitting to their own insecurities at my expense. I have not chosen to hunt for my biological parents - for some reason I don't.feel the need. I have incorporated the traditions of the family I was adopted into. I am a fairly accomplished adult but issues of trust have since plagued me.

I hope that--even if your parents aren't willing to talk about it--you can talk to a counselor or clergy member or someone else who will help you through the trust issues you're dealing with. I can understand why you have them; if your parents could simply say to you, "we're so sorry we lied, we thought it was in your best interest...but we did the wrong thing" it would be a good thing, and the beginning of re-building trust...but it sounds like they aren't going to do that.

I realize that "times were different" and "people aren't perfect" and all that...but when a parent realizes that their conduct has hurt their child, they really owe it to him/her to admit that what they did was wrong and apologize sincerely for the pain they have caused. Unfortunately--when that doesn't happen--we are left to find our own way.

It's harder to find your way when there is no apology...no acknowledgment that your feelings are justified...but it does help to talk to people who can help you come to an understanding regarding why things happened the way they did...and hopefully, you can come to a level of greater acceptance over time. I don't know that there will ever be a time when their lie doesn't hurt anymore, but maybe you can learn to identify and trust people who are trustworthy, and build solid relationships. (Sounds easy, but it's not, of course.)

I hope you can shake this black cloud that is hanging over you, Claire...but the hardest wounds to heal are the ones our parents give us...so it will be a long journey, I'm sure.

[Claire W]

Mistri, you are wise. I can identify with with everything you have said here. Thank you.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/6/2014 Claire W said: Mistri, you are wise. I can identify with with everything you have said here. Thank you.

Thank you, Claire.

I really don't think people want to think about or admit how much their parenting affects their children...but it really does. And it's so hard to pick up the pieces and move on when you aren't sure what the final picture should look like, or how to make it so.

I think I've finally figured out what is best for me...but it's going to be a rough road getting there, I'm sure.

ETA: Don't feel bad about being angry at your parents for things they did, but don't be angry at yourself for loving them either. It's all part of the big picture, and you will figure out where all of those feelings belong within it. You can hate something a person has done, and still love that person, is what I'm saying.