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Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,349
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

I agree with RedTop here.

You do not want your mom in a position where she can be harmed in any way, or have things stolen from her.

I know you said that you are going on a trip soon. Is there someone in your family, or a trusted friend near your mom, who can start dropping in every day and watch her while you are gone?

Then, when you return, you should go to your mom's, preferably with other family members for support, and get something resolved here.

After this latest information, I think you do need to take more forceful steps. As RedTop wrote, this shows your mom is not making wise decisions at all.

If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.--Marcus Tullius Cicero
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,319
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

Have these 'people' actually been to your mom's house? I still think she made up this just so you would back down. Sometimes folks tell their adult children all kinds of things as a 'pay-back' and in an attempt to be left alone. Just sayin'............(I've seen/heard a lot.) I'd ask my siblings who live nearby to visit your mom, take a look around, get to the bottom of the story.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,319
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

Also, agencies/care givers need permits, in many areas, to care for seniors. I would have a neighbor 'drop in' on the day(s) that these 'helpers' are there. Just to make sure that it's the truth.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,213
Registered: ‎03-30-2014

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

I totally agree with RedTop, a wonderful reply. With my parents it took a tipping point issue to make us take charge. Hopefully we did it in a respectful way, but it was clear that we had to force a change for their own safety and health. Sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

Super Contributor
Posts: 677
Registered: ‎07-04-2011

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

On 5/1/2014 Vivian said: I feel like I have taken one step forward and two steps back. Despite my calls to county social services, who can provide my mother with lots of help, which she rejects, and despite my placing a grocery order for home delivery, my mother called me with upsetting news. She has hooked into a network of illegal Eastern European aliens who take care of the elderly in her neighborhood. They are uninsured, unvetted, accept cash only but are cheaper than legitimate licensed caregivers. She will not listen to my protestations, emphasizing that as I requested she IS getting help. I am at my wits' end.

This is very concerning. Whether it's true or not, I would place a call to Adult Protective Services in her state and see if they can pay her a visit.

She is vulnerable to financial exploitation. RedTop's post is right on. Because of this decision (and I have no doubt it's true, the more difficult elders seem to be magnets for con artists), I think you need to consider whether she may have early dementia. Her judgment is obviously compromised.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,319
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

All, in all, when adult children live far away, there is nothing better than nearby neighbors, preferably across the street and also next door on either side, to frequently 'keep an eye' on seniors who live alone. If I see that drapes are still closed at 10am, I'll give the neighbor (s)a phone call, just to make sure they are o.k. I have many phone numbers to call if something doesn't look right re: seniors on our block.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Super Contributor
Posts: 677
Registered: ‎07-04-2011

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

On 5/1/2014 ROMARY said:

All, in all, when adult children live far away, there is nothing better than nearby neighbors, preferably across the street and also next door on either side, to frequently 'keep an eye' on seniors who live alone. If I see that drapes are still closed at 10am, I'll give the neighbor (s)a phone call, just to make sure they are o.k. I have many phone numbers to call if something doesn't look right re: seniors on our block.

While you are a good neighbor, many others are not or don't care to be.

As I said in my post above, vulnerable elderly people attract thieves and con artists. I wouldn't ask a neighbor to check on my mother daily because I feel it is putting the responsibility for her safety and welfare where it does not belong. At the point where you become concerned about her decision-making and judgment, it's time for either a gov't agency to assess the situation or time for a visit where mom is going to be forced to move to a communal setting, either independent living in a senior community or assisted living.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,279
Registered: ‎05-15-2010

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

Unfortunately, the ones who need care don't realize how difficult it is on the caregivers.

Can you get her "hooked up" with the office of Council on Aging in her locality. See if you can get a case manager involved, so they can stay on top of things when you can't.

Another suggestion would be to ask her neighbors or friends to check in/call her every day to see what's going on.

I'm glad you have the food delivery set up, but who sees to her medicines?

Can you hire an agency to have someone come in every day to set up a meal, take/set up her medicines, and do a well check?

I wish you well. It is doubly difficult when you are not in the same town. I have been there so I know what worries you.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,160
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

Goodstuff, you've been down the applying and being accepted for her for Medicaid road ahead of us. There's so much to learn beyond what we would have considered the norm, especially when relatives live so long and require more care than we physically can give. I wish more instructions were available for more people to be aware of. If there was something that still needed to be done in this life, that's one for darn sure! So head's up 50 year olds. Get proactive. There's stuff you need to know and learn about for caring for your relatives. Ten years or so will fly by. The time to prepare and get that knowledge is now. My folks were great in getting POA, setting up their wishes, getting wills, doing the life choice things and getting it in writing and notarized, visits with attorneys. But, they have no idea how long they will go on. They were able to plan up to a point, this is where the relatives come in. You taking over to help them out as they go on. Please, get yourself informed. RE: nursing homes, (you never think you will need one for them, or you). (By the way, they didn't do that long-term insurance) They saved and it's worked well. But when you get to Medicaid, you gotta know particulars, that I never found on line. Needed more answers and now we have an attorney assisting us. Please get informed.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,889
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Elderly Mom. What am I to do?

Thank you all very much. I have my work cut out for me.