Community Chat

[Marienkaefer2]

On 5/1/2014 Vivian said: I achieved a great accomplishment today. After much cajoling, I convinced my mother to allow me to set up a grocery delivery service for her. I registered her and placed an order that will be delivered to her door. Thank goodness I found a $15-off coupon or the entire order could have been jeopardized. I gave my brother and my daughters the password so any of us can place her orders. If only my mother would take advantage of all the services out there for her, life would be safer for her and easier for me. Still, I feel I've made progress.

That's great! One step at a time. Any progress helps us to feel better.

My grandmother had a former neighbor, about my age, who was willing to go to her house 2-3 times a week, do some light housework, and pick.up her mail and groceries. (My grandmother still had her p.o. box in her former town, ten miles away!) We differed to pay this neighbor for this service, and my grandmother adored her. Still, she said NO!

She preferred to stay at home until things ran out, and one of her friends managed to get out and bring her some groceries.

Smh still.

[Marienkaefer2]

On 5/1/2014 Hoovermom said:

On 5/1/2014 Marienkaefer2 said:

My grandmother was this way, and we lived on the other side of the country.

She refused help. She said her friends would help her. But she was in her 90s and her friends were all in their late 80s and had their own.health issues.

We found out that she had an.illness that she didn't tell us about.

In the end, we had to get her a live in caregiver, she had no choice.

Looking back, I.think she just wanted to go on as long as possible on her own and then.pass away.

My grandmother was a great person, but a very stubborn person.

So all I can.say is do.the best you can. She's choosing the path she wants to be on at this point and there's not a lot you can do as long as she's still mentally acute.

You are so right! My mom insisted on her choices and eventually I had to give up trying to help her. Needless to say it is a very stressful time!! Good luck.

Stress...I remember this well. It could have been made easier if, like GoodStuff said below, they would be open to making some changes.

It makes me realize that someday I will remember this and hopefully do things differently.

[Vivian]

I told my oldest daughter that should I live to old age, I promise not to be as obstinate, cheap, stubborn, and difficult as my mother is. I do think there are generational issues going on here. My mother's Depression generation worries about every last dime, whether required or not. My baby-boomer generation is more than happy to utilize services to make life easier.

[ROMARY]

If your mom has decent, nice, reliable neighbors, they can be so valuable. They can call her maybe three times a day (morning after she arises, afternoon after lunch, and possibly before (I suggest after) dinner, maybe in the late evening around 8pm. Also, they can stop by at a specific time to check on her. Around here, many of the senior neighbors check on one another, making sure there aren't any suspicious (or lack of) routines. If she has stairs, make sure you tell her to NOT run to the phone when the phone is ringing. Tell her that the neighbors will call back ten or so minutes later when they can't reach her. Very important. Lots of good luck to you and your dear mom. I wouldn't force her out of her house, etc. There are plenty of legitimate agencies who have local caregivers drop in daily (or every other day, or whatever) for an hour, helping with showering, etc. at very reasonable prices. It's only an hour's fee. Just call the various agencies in her area and they will send you a list of fees. You can get a booklet of reliable local agencies from various county agencies. They will most likely send it to you. Also, your local hospital has those booklets, too.

[ROMARY]

p.s. Meals on wheels type of services are nice, too, because it's something seniors look forward to receiving every day without having to use the stove/oven, etc. And a pleasant face at the door is nice, too.

[ROMARY]

Check out her local community services for seniors.........there is a lot of help for seniors now-a-days. Truly wonderful that our country has these services available. Don't forget that most of the seniors put in a lot of hard work for many years, making this country strong. So, taking advantage of these services is a 'thank you' to seniors for their service.

[Vivian]

I feel like I have taken one step forward and two steps back. Despite my calls to county social services, who can provide my mother with lots of help, which she rejects, and despite my placing a grocery order for home delivery, my mother called me with upsetting news. She has hooked into a network of illegal Eastern European aliens who take care of the elderly in her neighborhood. They are uninsured, unvetted, accept cash only but are cheaper than legitimate licensed caregivers. She will not listen to my protestations, emphasizing that as I requested she IS getting help. I am at my wits' end.

[ROMARY]

Could it be that she is 'making it up'? Seems as though she doesn't want any help, and has come up with a dangerous option, so that you will 'back down', so to speak. I would contact her neighbors and ask them to keep an eye on her, etc. Some folks don't want any help unless they absolutely need (unfortunately)it. Try to de-stress yourself. Step back for a couple of days, and try again later on. I could write a book...........lots of friends' experiences, etc., etc.

[colliemom4]

I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with these difficult issues. We had to obtain power of attorney over my mom, but she wasn't mentally sharp at the time. I do feel each situation is different. My mom is no longer alive, but hubby's mom is though she barely eats anything and is doing ok. However she doesn't leave the house much, and is thin and frail looking, but she keeps on going. I know it's not easy!

[RedTop]

If my 92 year old mother had made the decision to get help from this specific group of people, I would see that as her making an unwise decision that compromises her safety and therefore feel she is no longer capable of making safe decisions for herself. My mother has always been a wise woman, full of common sense, but to make a decision to let a group such as you've described come into her life, and her home, would let me know she is not capable of understanding the risk she has opened herself up to. That would be when I would step in and make the changes needed to keep my mother safe; regardless of what she says. I would not let her continue this way, and would do what is necessary to keep her safe and not a target for those who will take advantage. Best wishes to you with whatever you have to do!