Community Chat

[halfpint1]

a older child

an adult child? Last night over the phone we had an awful argument.. I have only one-a son-61. I wanted to help me with putting flea stuff on my cat and then it went into other things. He lives about 4 blocks away and not married. He resents doing things for me. Don't know how to talk to him anymore.

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[goldensrbest]

It just breaks your heart,doesn't it?

[mimomof4]

I can speak from the child's side.

I'll admit that I know have a more difficult time communicating with my parents as an older child.  I'm not a really social person and am very shy and quiet.  Now that my parents have moved to another state - I just don't talk to them as much.  Especially since I'm busy with my own children.  Since travel is not easy I haven't even seen them in over a year and a half.  

My MIL lives approximately 5 miles away from us.  My husband often get frustrated when talking to her.  I tell him repeatedly that he needs to be more patient with her.  She is 79 and a widow as well for the past 10 years.  I tend to be more patient when talking to her, maybe its because I'm a woman.   

[Still Raining]

Sorry to hear this.  Family can be hard to deal with at times.  Hope you two can see your way through this spat.

[Group 5 minus 1]

Hope you can get help w/your cat.

[chrystaltree]

I can't comment since I don't anything about your relationship with him or what you argued about.  It's possible that he feels that you are asking him to do too much for you just because he lives close by isn't married. Which doesn't mean he is free to come whenever you need him.  Familes argue, he'll get over it.  Perhaps it would help if you asked him to give you a regularly scheduled time to come and do things for you.  My sister is disable and she would call my brother to do this or that or take her shopping or to the doctor.  He was angry and frustrated because she seemed to think that he was free during the days just becaused he worked nights.  She didn't realize he things of his own to do.  Things calmed down when he told her he would come to house on Wednesday afternoons to do whatever small chores she needed and he agreed to take her grocery shopping, every other Saturday at 10am.  No more anger and  hurt feelings, no more arguments.  

[alicedee]

What @chrystaltree said is very sensible.  Just because your son lives nearby and is single, doesn’t mean he should be expected to be there whenever you have. something for him to do.

I think It’s a great idea to ask him if he can choose one time during the week to help you with things..,,then make a list throughout the week so you don’t forget something.  My future son-in-law does that with his mother.

You have to remember...he’s not a young man anymore, either.  He is over 60....he has his own work, home to care for, health issues, friends he wants to see, appointments.  And when he gets home from work (I am guessing he still works?)....believe me, at his age I am sure he is exhausted. 

[traveler]

My son’s are in their 30s. I find that space and not going over old complaints help a lot. I find I have some resentment when my 86yo mother has expectations of what I should do and how and old, old stories to induce guilt.

[Travone]

This is a difficult situation.  I will respond from the viewpoint of an adult child, as my brother and I have this conversation often.

1)  Do you call him at other times (not when he is as work), and not just when you need him to do something for you?  My brother especially has this issue with our mother.  She will never pick up the phone to see how he is, she will only initiate the communiction when she wants him to do something.

2)  Do you ever just spend time together?  If you still cook, do you invite him over for dinner?  This may be a good beginning.  Call him up and ask if he is free for dinner one day next week.  Just spend the time catching up and chatting.

3)  Does he do other things for you, like grass cutting etc.  If so, perhaps you can look into a grass cutting service if you can afford it.

He is 61.  He may be worried about his own health, finances and future.  Talk about these things when you visit over dinner.  Don't preach or give advice unless he asks for it.  Just listen to him.

Good Luck to you.  I hope both of you figure it out before it is too late

[SilleeMee]

I was married to a man who had a young daughter from a previous marriage. At the time, his daughter and I became very close...more like friends rather than steps. I was married to him for many years but then divorced. She took it hard and has never spoken to me since. I was heartbroken and it still hurts when I think about her.