Community Chat

[ladyroxanne]

i dated a controlling man years ago and didn't even realize it at first.  it wasn't until i walked away that i finally knew how controlling he really was.  i contribute this to his insecurity.  i should have recognized it sooner, but i guess i was too young and inexperienced.

no one could have told me different either.  it was something i had to learn for myself.

[Noel7]

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@ladyroxanne wrote:

i dated a controlling man years ago and didn't even realize it at first.  it wasn't until i walked away that i finally knew how controlling he really was.  i contribute this to his insecurity.  i should have recognized it sooner, but i guess i was too young and inexperienced.

no one could have told me different either.  it was something i had to learn for myself.

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@ladyroxanne

Some of those guys are VERY good at masking who and what they really are, ladyroxanne.  The real person can come out later. Don't blame yourself

[ladyroxanne]

@Noel7

thank you noel.

i did think i was smarter than that for a while, then realized how sneaky he really was.  it's been a long time now and all in the past!  i hate to see anyone go through that because it really is so not degrading, but i think you lose confidence in yourself.

[Noel7]

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@ladyroxanne wrote:

@Noel7

thank you noel.

i did think i was smarter than that for a while, then realized how sneaky he really was.  it's been a long time now and all in the past!  i hate to see anyone go through that because it really is so not degrading, but i think you lose confidence in yourself.

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@ladyroxanne

That's usually their goal.  That, and to break you down and try to get you away from family and friends who would support you.  I'm glad you got away from him. 

[ladyroxanne]

thank you @Noel7

[151949]

Today my husband had some outpatient surgery and I had to drive him. All the way home he was telling me how to drive - what lane to be in, where to turn - like I didn't know my way home etc. Finally, after I had ignored his attempts to control me as best I could, I advised him that he was in no condition to walk 10 miles so he needed to shut the heck up. I told him he was either going to give me his word he would be quiet or the car was not moving until he did. And he knows I don't make idle threats. He gave me his word and was a mouse the rest of the way home. You just have to control the controller.

[Noel7]

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@151949 wrote:

Today my husband had some outpatient surgery and I had to drive him. All the way home he was telling me how to drive - what lane to be in, where to turn - like I didn't know my way home etc. Finally, after I had ignored his attempts to control me as best I could, I advised him that he was in no condition to walk 10 miles so he needed to shut the heck up. I told him he was either going to give me his word he would be quiet or the car was not moving until he did. And he knows I don't make idle threats. He gave me his word and was a mouse the rest of the way home. You just have to control the controller.

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A lot of people are backseat drivers, that's not on a par with many men who are controlling.

Controlling men are often physically and verbally abusive.  They beat women down to the point where many can no longer stand up for themselves or protect themselves, and many of those women land in the ER.

It's to easy to say you just have to control the controller, some women would end up dead for trying.

[MyShadowLove]

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@Allegheny wrote:

I don't know, wish I had the answer.  My husband and brother have tendencies like this at times.  I can't tell you the number of occasions I've just walked away from both of them when they start their ******.  It just erodes the relationship slowly.  I love them both dearly but won't put up with this nonsense.

I am at an age now where I have my own ways of dealing with it, but if this was going on when I was in my twenties or thirties I wouldn't have stayed in such a relationship.  

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@Allegheny...I'm sure it was going on in your twenties or thirties...You just didn't recognize it as such at that time and probably rationalized it in some way...Controlling behavior doesn't just show up all of a sudden...It is always there...It is just that you became more aware of what you were dealing with as time went on...an "awakening" of sorts...It sometimes takes a while for the "awakening" to happen, as we tend to be so busy nurturing our relationships and families...trying to appease everyone... that we pay no attention to our own inner voices and instincts....Once we do finally take the time to truly listen to our hearts, the realization can release such overwhelming feelings in us that we find ourselves screaming at ourselves and asking...."Where the Hell have you been all this time!"...lol...Finally, it is at this wonderful moment of finding ourselves and our voices again, which can be so craftily stifled by these manipulative, narcissistic energy drainers, that we are able to release ourselves and make the necessary decisions that will begin a fantastic new journey in our lives!

eta:..I kind of left my thought process hanging and wanted to be sure to complete it by adding last sentence.

[Big Sister]

IMHO, the cause is low self-esteem and insecurity.