Community Chat

[dooBdoo]

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@Joizz11 wrote:
What are you cleansing today in your life for the New Year? Hopefully most of you don’t have to but as I sit here pondering I think about all the negativity in my life and even though I’ve tried to turn it around positively it just isn’t working. The most valuable people in my life are my family. They love me unconditionally and are always there for me. However, I don’t have that with friendships. I have friends that I am always there for but don’t get the same back from them. They are narcissistic, selfish, and unconcerned with anything that doesn’t benefit them in some way. Even though I am aware I let it go and just try to be positive. I’ve been thinking maybe I would be just better without them in my life and just be a loner.

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               @Joizz11,  I think you are an insightful, mindful person who cares deeply about others.   Your family's unconditional love is something for which to be supremely grateful...  blessings abundant, and it's lovely that you're so aware of and thankful for that.   

              I think it's good that you're reflecting on your relationships and those things that enrich, edify, and honor you -- you are important and you merit the same kind of care and consideration that you give to others.

              Regarding the "friendships" that sound rather one-sided (and not characteristic of what I think of as genuine friends), there's a Maya Angelou quote I've posted often over the years:

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”  

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish you well as you move forward.

                                                                         

[ShowMe]

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@Joizz11 wrote:
What are you cleansing today in your life for the New Year? Hopefully most of you don’t have to but as I sit here pondering I think about all the negativity in my life and even though I’ve tried to turn it around positively it just isn’t working. The most valuable people in my life are my family. They love me unconditionally and are always there for me. However, I don’t have that with friendships. I have friends that I am always there for but don’t get the same back from them. They are narcissistic, selfish, and unconcerned with anything that doesn’t benefit them in some way. Even though I am aware I let it go and just try to be positive. I’ve been thinking maybe I would be just better without them in my life and just be a loner.

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@Joizz11......I try to do some cleansing every day.  I too used to be a very negative person.....but today I try to be positive.  Have to be, or the world would cave in on me.  Be thankful for what you have and try to get rid of those that leave you feeling empty.  The only one that can make you happy is you, yourself.  Look in the mirror when you get up in the morning and tell yourself you love yourself.  Have always been told that you really can't love others until you love yourself.

One of my very best friends and I have been friends for 60 years next year.  Met each other through a young adults group from church.  We hit it off, and did lots of things together.  Today we are getting up there in years, and just can't get together as often as we used to, but we are still very close.  Have always been there for each other, through thick and thin......  And I received a card this year from another very special person in my life.  I was their matron of Honor when they were married more than 50 years ago now.  I have quite a few friends, but these 2 are special to me.  

There's so much out there for you.  You have to look for it.....  It won't come knocking on your door looking for you.  Seek, and you will find.  

Wish you nothing but the best for 2019.  

[ShowMe]

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@deepwaterdotter wrote:

Bullying and trollish behaviors.  People who are "narcissistic, selfish, and unconcerned with anything that doesn't benefit them in some way" do not fit my definition of friend.

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@deepwaterdotter.......Oh, so true.  I never try to do anything for anyone to benefit me.  Do it because I like them or feel they need my help......not to benefit me.  

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@PhilaLady1 wrote:

LOL - I had the same thought when I saw the word cleansing.

Anyway, maybe it is my age, but regarding people that don't care for me, or I can't trust, or anything that the o/p has already mentioned, I think I am clean as a whistle.  It took along while to get there.  There is really just one person in my life other than family that I call a dear and true friend, and I know she feels the same for me.  She is like family to me, my childhood friend that I met about 55 years ago. 

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@PhilaLady1.......getting older makes us wiser, therefore we look at life differently.  If someone has a way of letting me know they no longer want anything to do with me, I say thanks....been good knowing you, and I move on.  Don't hold a grudge, but it doesn't make me happy.  Know I can't change anyone other than myself.

[ShowMe]

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@Joizz11 wrote:
Thank you for your kind responses. I am very thankful for my great family that’s I do have. I do agree I need to seek out more positive friends in my life however it is difficult in today’s world. Unsure why but I am thinking I would rather be alone then with any negativity.

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@Joizz11.....that would be your chosing....and can't understand why you would like to live like that.  

[ShowMe]

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@LTT1 wrote:

@Joizz11

Everybody needs to do what is best for them.

Another way you might look at your situation is that by avoiding seeing people (friends?) who are negative and narcissistic, you will be freeing up time to spend cultivating other ways to invest your time...

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@LTT1......excellent suggestion.  

[ShowMe]

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@blackhole99 wrote:

@Joizz11  I don't know how old you are, but at my senior age I don't have the time left or effort to deal with friends or family who are difficult or uncaring.I think when you are younger you put up with people because it is hard to make friends. Believe me, in the long run it's just not worth it.

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@blackhole99......so true.  

[gizmogal]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

I suggest you look to yourself. Are you needy, what do you want do you want from a friend?

No one does anything that doesn't benefit themselves in some way. It may just be enabling them to see themselves as "a good person" generous, kind, or perhaps they like feeling sorry for themselves.

There are all kinds of friends. I have friends who are fun but they can't be trusted with a confidence, others may be a bit boring but can be trusted without question. Friends like food or clothing are appropriate for some things or situations but not for others.

Try being a bit less judgemental, you aren't buying a car or looking for a job. 

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A splendid reply to the original post!  The summary that different folks fill different needs for us and that most relationships are mutually beneficial is a  fine expression of a healthy, balanced view. Judgmental is exactly the opposite of accepting people as best you can. If you judge negatively, then retreating from friendships that aren’t suitable is the solution. 

I could only add this  extra point of view:  don’t keep score with your relationships, @Joizz11.  Once you compare how much better you are as a friend or how much more you contribute to someone’s well-being, or in any way measure people’s value for you, you will find stress and discomfort. Take them as they come, eliminate the ones who just don’t agree with your moral code or respect boundaries. Avoid labels and analysis. If you’ve admitted unsuitable relationships that produce “negativity” in your orbit, just move away from those. It’s not a cleanse; it’s reorganizing and adjusting priorities.  

Cleansing implies dirtiness and impurity. Start with yourself. Know what you need, what you’re willing to give and find people who positively fill the parts, not fail with fulfilling the total as wise @occasionalrain so accurately suggested. 

[jubilant]

One thing I do is run a check on myself every now and then. Especially if I have to make a "judgement" call.  There is a difference between "judging people" and making a judgement call. 

You have to ask yourself some questions. For example:  Are they outright rude to me? Do they talk about me behind my back.  Do they lie to me. Do they bully me? Do they use me?  So on and so forth. We all have our flaws but we don't all fall into outright personality disorders. 

You mentioned the word nacisscist...I think everyone has a little bit of narcissim in them.  When they have a lot of it, they are some of the most exasperating people around. One way I know if I need to confront someone is the fact that I don't get any enjoyment out of it and I don't want to do it.  If a person enjoys it they are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

I have said this on here before....when I have a finger pointed at someone else there are 3 fingers pointing back at myself. That is always in the back of my mind. I do recognize abuse when I see it or hear it, however, and I don't let myself be abused.  Only you know if that is what is happening here.  

[Brisky]

I have only had one true friend for the last 25 year's.I like a lot of people. My one true and closet friend has been a constant in my life since the day we met.We have both moved to other places but we both know we have one another. We really are similar in thinking but it goes though on through thick and slim.