Community Chat

[ID2]

My mother always told me not to have her buried. She wanted her ashes to be scattered at our will. She didn't want people visiting a grave site for all eternity. I have my moms ashes scattered around my lakefront property so she is with me all the time. 

[violann]

I add a short story about my wonderful mom, who was so dear to me.

When my dad died suddenly in 1982, my heartbroken mom bought the stone and had both my father's dates as well as her own put on it.

Thinking she'd be following him soon after, she had her dates engraved 19XX-19__.

Apparently she decided at some point that she'd hang around to see her grandchildren grow to adulthood, and 2000 came and went.

Ultimately, she actually left in 2007, and I had to have the stone re-engraved.

I could almost hear her chuckling about her mistaken attempt at frugality as I paid the re-engraving bill. 🤗

[Cakers3]

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@Mominohio wrote:

I would only put on the side of the deceased. 

I think it is kind of creepy to put flowers on the side of a still living person. 

I love flowers and try to make sure at least a few times a year, I give my mom flowers while she is still alive and can enjoy them.

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@Mominohio  This is an excellent answer. 

[Financialgrl]

We never had that issue in our part of the cemetery (dad had a double plot, large inground plaque with family name and two plaques under that left blank till the last person died.  The vase was in the family plaque only.

Older areas of the cemetery had the two separate vases and I always saw flowers in both even when there was a name with only the birth year bc that person was still alive.  I think it's whatever one wants to do.

[LilacTree]

My beloved mom died in 1967 at the age of 49 and was buried in a four-plot gravesite.  My father had the traditional huge Italian funeral and she was not cremated.  When he died thirty years later in 1997, he was cremated and we buried his urn in the second plot above my mother.

My beloved sister died six years ago in 2011.  Two of us (my niece and me) share her ashes and keep them in our homes.  I will be cremated similarly and have expressed I do not want to be buried in that gravesite.  Both my brothers want to be cremated as well . . . one of them will use the third plot and I'm not sure what the other one wants.

My youngest brother (who will be buried there) is the only one who visits the site and puts flowers there every Christmas.  This site is near the NY border in furthest North Jersey, more than three hours from where my family and I live.  I have only been there only two or three times, once when my father's urn was buried there.

My youngest brother has always felt that I and my family should go at least once a year.  He also visits a different cemetery where all of our grandparents, aunts and uncles are buried.  Even when I was not physically debilitated, I never did that either. 

In his kind way (and I mean that) he makes me feel guilty that this is not a priority for me.  I carry my loved ones in my heart every day, they are the first thoughts in my mind every morning when I wake up.  I feel the losses of my parents and my dear sister all the time.  In fact, sometimes it is agonizing, and I am nowhere near the cemetery.

As someone else said in this thread, I would not want my family to feel obligated to visit my "gravesite" for any reason, I believe it is an antiquated tradition serving only the living, certainly not the deceased. 

I say this with great respect for my younger brother and all who feel differently.  What matters is what comforts each individual.

[tansy]

I’m not sentimental like that either, @LilacTree.  My husband is though and swears he’d *visit* me.  I’ll never know😏

[LilacTree]

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@tansy wrote:

I’m not sentimental like that either, @LilacTree.  My husband is though and swears he’d *visit* me.  I’ll never know😏

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@tansy

Oh, I am quite sentimental, Tansy . . . I just don't have to be at the cemetery to feel that way.

BTW, my father, being only 54 when my mother died, married again at age 60 and lived in FL for 24 years, a completely different family and a completely different life.  The woman he asked for on his death bed was not our mother, it was his second wife.  She had sent him up here to die with only the clothes on his back and his shaving kit.  He did not ever see her again and she and her family did not attend his funeral service.  In fact, there was just our family there, and only the adults, not the younger ones.

So again I say, it's only what is in your heart that matters.

[LilacTree]

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@Scooby Doo wrote:

I usually put them just for the person who passed, but you could do both if you want.  I don't think there are any rules about that.

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@Scooby Doo

And there shouldn't be.

[candys mine]

Interesting.  I really Never thought about it that way.  We made it a point to put 2 vases in the stone and so we always filled them both even before both our parents passed on.  It just looks better.  If I may ask, because I truely dont know how this works, How do you know which side is theirs and which side is yours?  In our cemetary the caskets are stacked.  We have seperate plots for my siblings and I on either side of our parents.  Christmas time is just about a whole morning affair placing flowers since our Parents, Grandparents and Uncle are all in different sections of the cemetary.  There's also a couple of folks from our street when we were kids burind there and I make a pilgrimage to them to say hello too.

[Financialgrl]

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@LilacTree wrote:

My beloved mom died in 1967 at the age of 49 and was buried in a four-plot gravesite.  My father had the traditional huge Italian funeral and she was not cremated.  When he died thirty years later in 1997, he was cremated and we buried his urn in the second plot above my mother.

My beloved sister died six years ago in 2011.  Two of us (my niece and me) share her ashes and keep them in our homes.  I will be cremated similarly and have expressed I do not want to be buried in that gravesite.  Both my brothers want to be cremated as well . . . one of them will use the third plot and I'm not sure what the other one wants.

My youngest brother (who will be buried there) is the only one who visits the site and puts flowers there every Christmas.  This site is near the NY border in furthest North Jersey, more than three hours from where my family and I live.  I have only been there only two or three times, once when my father's urn was buried there.

My youngest brother has always felt that I and my family should go at least once a year.  He also visits a different cemetery where all of our grandparents, aunts and uncles are buried.  Even when I was not physically debilitated, I never did that either. 

In his kind way (and I mean that) he makes me feel guilty that this is not a priority for me.  I carry my loved ones in my heart every day, they are the first thoughts in my mind every morning when I wake up.  I feel the losses of my parents and my dear sister all the time.  In fact, sometimes it is agonizing, and I am nowhere near the cemetery.

As someone else said in this thread, I would not want my family to feel obligated to visit my "gravesite" for any reason, I believe it is an antiquated tradition serving only the living, certainly not the deceased. 

I say this with great respect for my younger brother and all who feel differently.  What matters is what comforts each individual.

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It happens.  Most ppl put flowers or wreaths out in the early years after someone has passed.  My parents are both buried only about an hour from me and when each first died, I would put flowers on the graves a few times a year then stopped.  When I battled cancer my oncologist was only a mile from the cemetery.  I'd faithfully put flowers on the grave prior to going to each treatment cuz it was so convenient.    

My wish is that I'm cremated and told my family I don't even care if they pick up the ashes.  If they do, scatter them some place bc I don't want buried or to live on the top shelf of someone's closet.  I want no service, no burial, none of that bc mom died very young in 1976 and we had the whole nine yards (bc it was expected back then) and it was so hard on the family.

After that, dad's wishes were that he be cremated and buried next to my mother with NO visitation and no service of any kind. 

He died during a harsh winter, cremated and when spring came and the ground thawed my BF and I had his ashes buried next to my mother.  As soon as the grave marker was placed on his grave and the grandkids were home from college I, my siblings, their spouses and children went up to visit the grave, said a few words, put flowers on the grave and all had lunch in a restaurant as a celebration of life and memory of him.  I think he'd have loved it. Nothing formal, just the family taking the time to cherish his memory.