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Valued Contributor
Posts: 967
Registered: ‎10-16-2020

@Miimosa I know how unfair it is that now you have to be her caregiver.  Believe me, I know.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,454
Registered: ‎05-24-2010

@Miimosa Your post really makes me sad. I am so sorry you had to, and have to endure this abuse. You have to do what is right for you, but you do not have to be your mother's caretaker. There are long term care facilities, or if she is able assisted living facilities she could go to. 

 

Who cares what people think you know the truth. Have you ever heard the saying "it's none of your business what other people think of you"! 

 

You did not do one thing in your life that would warrant the abuse you suffered. Please know that, and be kind to yourself. 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,032
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@agb80 wrote:

@manny2 wrote:

@agb80 wrote:

I have the opinion that women who work and are constantly stressed about money do not have the same ease that another woman would in loving and nurturing their child. 

 

It may sound like excusing bad behavior but those who have had a hard life sometimes are not always happy or loving people and may even blame their kids for their financial situation.  

 

I say this because I saw a rather big difference in my own mother who completely chilled out as her life got better.  

 

@agb80Stress over money, or being a single parent have no place in this conversation. Abuse is abuse period. When you say things like that to a victim you minimize their pain.

 

 

 



@manny2 In no way have I minimized my own pain; I merely understand its origins.  My parents have been gone for quite awhile now and so are a lot of other feelings too like disappointment, resentment and all the what ifs - if only they had done this instead of that - if only they had said that instead of what they did say.    

 

I realize it will be a different path for you and others. 


It's true, there are many different forms of BAD MOTHERS.  (The OP always types her titles in caps), so I didn't think that this thread would be about physical, mental and sexual abuse only.

 

I figured it would be about all kinds of reasons including lesser things like not cooking, absenteeism, just plain being beechy/miserable and the like.

 

No one is marginalizing the trauma some here have been through by simply stating what they considered *bad mothering*to them/for them....it's not a contest.

 

Geez, I was going to chime in and say that my mother seemed detached before I started school.  I was the youngest of 5 and the age range was almost 14 years.  But what I didn't know was that my mother suffered from fibroids and had a hysterectomy which threw her into early menopause (at 38 and it lasted for a few years).  She was miserable.  I was too young to understand what was going on.

 

Half of my siblings were all out of the house by then and at times I felt like I was the last thing my mother wanted to deal with. 

 

I knew what a dynamo of a woman she was with them, very loving, very involved and extremely happy.  Then there was me. 

 

But things did get better.  She owed me no apology.  It was just a unfortunate thing that happened and when it was over it was over.  As a young child, I had my doubts, though.  It wasn't a good feeling. 

 

She was aware of it, too, naturally, and we have talked about it.  We have a great love for each other, that past is now history.

 

Mothering doesn't come naturally to all.  I always wanted children.  I had a fear when I was younger that I wouldn't be able to have any.  I don't know why I thought that at a very young age.

 

But even that doesn't mean one makes Mother of the Year.  I faltered and failed at things that still bug me and I feel like I only have the rest of my lifetime to still try to be the best mother I can be to my children.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,114
Registered: ‎12-01-2012

@Miimosa wrote:

@Grailseeker wrote:

@suzyQ3 wrote:

@Isobel Archer& @Grailseeker

 

Although your individual histories are unique, I can feel the heat of your grief and totally empathize. I am so sorry for what you both endured. But you should both routinely be proud of who you are now. Heart


I can only speak for myself, but shame is the biggest emotion I have had to deal with all my life.  It has been hard to share because I have always felt vulnerable to being thought of "less than", dirty, or pitied.  

 

Dr. Ramani, who I only discovered over the last 6 or 8 months, is the only one who I know of who has addressed some of my issues.

 

One really has to be careful of counseling.  Many of them have no training in narcissistic abuse and it can leave you re-traumatized.

 

Dr. Ramani - the shame people feel when they come from narcissistic families:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTyIOO6czJU

 

How to think about your narcissistic parent:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1JVHyTBAbw

 

Anger and grief toward your non-narcissistic parent:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYfL2QlXWcw

 

Narcissistic Family Roles (scapegoat, golden child, invisible child):

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn3xhDni4w4

 

 

 


@Grailseeker   thank you for posting the bolded link.  i could never articulate exactly what our roles were in my family. i knew my sister was the golden child.  i was the scapegoat as a small child because Mother expected me to care for my toddler sister at the age of 5 or 6. if i did something wrong, as a small child how could i know of the danger?,  i was punished.  as i got older i would try anything and everything to make my sister laugh, because if she cried, it was my fault. my sister was platinum blode and very cute.  i drew pictures of myself with no arms or only one leg (neurotic indicator)

 

as we grew older,   my father became the scapegoat, and i became the invisible child. my mother didnt notice me or interact with me. i recall dressing up in a fancy outfit and ringing the doorbell to "visit" my mother.  on another occasion i hung around by the side of a road with me head in a gully hoping someone driving by would stop and talk to me. 

 

as a teen i started acting out.  i would be punished or grounded and then do something else they found unacceptable.   it was a cry for help that never came. i was essentially kicked out of the house at 19.  i came back, hurt from an abusive relationship with a boyfriend. it was after my first year at college and a summer out west with this bf and there was no room for me.  the house had only 2 bedrooms and the golden child claimed the bedroom we had shared, for herself. my mother made my life a nightmare then, just to get me out of her house.

 

i started to post something very personal the other night and thought better of it. my mother has definate narcissistic traits. it's difficult now that she is in her 90s and feels entitled to my help because she is my parent.  any small characteristic she has has now come to the fore. its very difficult. her home is in the same small town she has lived in since the 50s.  what kind of daughter can i be that i am not able and willing to 100% help her?  to the outside she seems so charming and sweet. nobody knows how she really is.


@Miimosa  I hope the videos can be of some help, if for nothing but to legitimize your feelings.  My siblings and I took some flack, too, for being less than available for our mom's final years.  Feeling obligated to her was just not there.  Please, please do what is best for yourself.  I know it can be difficult.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,181
Registered: ‎04-04-2015

@agb80 wrote:

@manny2 wrote:

@agb80 wrote:

I have the opinion that women who work and are constantly stressed about money do not have the same ease that another woman would in loving and nurturing their child. 

 

It may sound like excusing bad behavior but those who have had a hard life sometimes are not always happy or loving people and may even blame their kids for their financial situation.  

 

I say this because I saw a rather big difference in my own mother who completely chilled out as her life got better.  

 

@agb80Stress over money, or being a single parent have no place in this conversation. Abuse is abuse period. When you say things like that to a victim you minimize their pain.

 

 

 



@manny2 In no way have I minimized my own pain; I merely understand its origins.  My parents have been gone for quite awhile now and so are a lot of other feelings too like disappointment, resentment and all the what ifs - if only they had done this instead of that - if only they had said that instead of what they did say.    

 

I realize it will be a different path for you and others. 


It's a lot easier (didn't say easy - but easier) to "get over" the hurt once the origin of it is gone.  Even after my counseling, it was very painful to deal with my mother.  She never stopped with her hateful indictments of me and her wish that I'd "suffer."  She's been dead since 2011 and it was a definite relief to no longer have to interact with her (I had to for a few years before she died as I was her only child and had to take care of her while she was in Assisted Living.) Actually, I rarely think of her now.  It's a blessing.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,114
Registered: ‎12-01-2012

@Isobel Archer wrote:

@agb80 wrote:

@manny2 wrote:

@agb80 wrote:

I have the opinion that women who work and are constantly stressed about money do not have the same ease that another woman would in loving and nurturing their child. 

 

It may sound like excusing bad behavior but those who have had a hard life sometimes are not always happy or loving people and may even blame their kids for their financial situation.  

 

I say this because I saw a rather big difference in my own mother who completely chilled out as her life got better.  

 

@agb80Stress over money, or being a single parent have no place in this conversation. Abuse is abuse period. When you say things like that to a victim you minimize their pain.

 

 

 



@manny2 In no way have I minimized my own pain; I merely understand its origins.  My parents have been gone for quite awhile now and so are a lot of other feelings too like disappointment, resentment and all the what ifs - if only they had done this instead of that - if only they had said that instead of what they did say.    

 

I realize it will be a different path for you and others. 


It's a lot easier (didn't say easy - but easier) to "get over" the hurt once the origin of it is gone.  Even after my counseling, it was very painful to deal with my mother.  She never stopped with her hateful indictments of me and her wish that I'd "suffer."  She's been dead since 2011 and it was a definite relief to no longer have to interact with her (I had to for a few years before she died as I was her only child and had to take care of her while she was in Assisted Living.) Actually, I rarely think of her now.  It's a blessing.


My dad died of heart failure in 1994, 10 years after open heart surgery.  He had blown up to over 400 pounds.  My mother returned for the long haul after a brief separation in a psychiatric ward and then a "hidden" womens shelter.  We all had the feeling that she was just hanging around, waiting for him to die.  

 

She inherited a chunk of money, in addition to asking for her inheritance early from her own mother.  I offered her the part-time job to give her some socialization and to show her how hard money was to come by since she was going through it like there would be no tomorrow.  She only worked about a year before being diagnosed with lymphoma.  Treatment bought her an additional 8 years.

 

She was being treated at Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN and when she would get home, the front porch would be piled high with boxes, nearly all from QVC that she had ordered by phone from her hospital bed.  The last couple of years, the phone would be ringing and ringing all day from bill collectors.  This was after she had already had two auctions for my dad's stuff.

 

She declared bankruptcy shortly before she died.  After her auction, there was enough money left for each of us kids to inherit $1000 each.

 

I was out of work one summer and able to help drive her a couple of times to Rochester, with my aunt.  After that, we had to tell her, we did not have the kinds of jobs where we could just take off whenever she wanted us to.  She had always been hypochrondriac, even before she really got sick, and she got to be really demanding.

 

My "golden child" brother, with his dry sense of humor, used to say, "It will be better after she's dead".  It was supposed to be funny.  It was and it wasn't.

 

I used to say that my mother had inherited more money than I was able to earn in my lifetime, up to that point. 

 

My sisters and I did split up the jewelry. No one wanted the collection of Indian jewelry that she'd had since the 70s and 80s.  Most of it was ugly, but I held on to it until just this past fall when I sold it for the silver to one of those antique/gold and silver buyers that came through town, for $400. 

 

I probably took a big loss on it, but it felt good just to release that responsibility of being the caretaker of her stuff and break with the past on just that small point.  I put down a new kitchen floor with the money.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 21,485
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Isobel Archer wrote:

@agb80 wrote:

@manny2 wrote:

@agb80 wrote:

I have the opinion that women who work and are constantly stressed about money do not have the same ease that another woman would in loving and nurturing their child. 

 

It may sound like excusing bad behavior but those who have had a hard life sometimes are not always happy or loving people and may even blame their kids for their financial situation.  

 

I say this because I saw a rather big difference in my own mother who completely chilled out as her life got better.  

 

@agb80Stress over money, or being a single parent have no place in this conversation. Abuse is abuse period. When you say things like that to a victim you minimize their pain.

 

 

 



@manny2 In no way have I minimized my own pain; I merely understand its origins.  My parents have been gone for quite awhile now and so are a lot of other feelings too like disappointment, resentment and all the what ifs - if only they had done this instead of that - if only they had said that instead of what they did say.    

 

I realize it will be a different path for you and others. 


It's a lot easier (didn't say easy - but easier) to "get over" the hurt once the origin of it is gone.  Even after my counseling, it was very painful to deal with my mother.  She never stopped with her hateful indictments of me and her wish that I'd "suffer."  She's been dead since 2011 and it was a definite relief to no longer have to interact with her (I had to for a few years before she died as I was her only child and had to take care of her while she was in Assisted Living.) Actually, I rarely think of her now.  It's a blessing.


You are fortunate for this, @Isobel Archer. Even in her death, she still haunts me quite often. At least, though, I can usually change the subject. :-)


~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland