Re: Funeral visitations

Kjelle · ‎06-07-2013

I would also consider that after 8 yrs, you chose to continue the acquaintance even every few months. Think of the many people you worked with over the years that you have not done this with. Maybe it's not such a big deal to drive over to part if the services. She would probably be so touched, even if it really only sinks in you were there when she looks at the book. You never know when you might be overwhelmed by her expressing her friendship to you.

Happy WEN Girl since 1/12/2012

FranandZoe · ‎03-09-2010

Wow. Thank you all so much for all of your thoughtful responses. I appreciate them all. You all have great ideas about this. And it goes to really show that it is a very personal thing. And regional too. I did go this afternoon and I'm glad I did. My friend seemed very happy and appreciative to see me.

A few comments really struck me and I'd like to respond:

First of all I agree that if you attend the funeral of someone very close to you you should make every effort to speak.

Love ""the dash.""

Love the people on the ""fringes"" of our lives. Good way to put it.

Agree also that if you attended for everyone you know you certainly could make a careerf it.

I only send a card if I don't attend the visitation or funeral.

I liked the comment about giving ourselves ""permission"" to be comfortable with our decisions. About anything.

And I have attended many visitations where I didn't know the deceased. But I knew a family member. And all you need say is ""sorry."" It's appreciated. I've been there.

Thanks again to all.

Peg55 · ‎03-10-2010

there are no rules to follow; if you feel comfortable about going, then do so. But no one is forcing you.

Me personally I have a hard time going to the wake where the body is laid out. I just cannot kneel down and look at the face of the deceased. If I do feel it is necessary for me to go, I stand back a bit and do not look at the body.

It might sound strange to you but there was a time I could not even go into the room; I stayed outside in the lobby. I just couldn't handle it. It was because a co-worker died right before her wedding from a brain hemorrhage and she had a very severe look on her face. To me it just wasn't her; plus she was laid out in her wedding gown. She never wore makeup and she just didn't look like herself at all. It really frightened me.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:
On 4/21/2014 mominohio said:
On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:
On 4/21/2014 Madisson said:
On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:
I also see the visitation as more of a time for family and close friends. At least that is the way it works out where I live. The funeral itself is the more public thing.

Interesting. Where I live, if you attend the visitation, you also attend the funeral. Usually the visitation is right before the funeral. It seems like there used to be visitation the day before, but now I guess due to the costs, the visitation is usually an hour or two before the funeral.

Where I live it is usually late afternoon or night hours a day or two before the funeral. That gives people who work and are very close to a family member or the deceased a chance to visit with the family, pay their respects and not come to the funeral.

After the funeral a few close friends and family usually gather for a meal or refreshments at the church or a family member's home. As I told one friend, our job is to stay with you and talk and laugh if we can until we see that you are simply worn slick, then we leave and maybe at that point you can get some rest. She laughed and said it was the best thing we could do because who wants to go back to an empty house after a funeral.

Sooner,

I have noticed in another post of yours, that you used the term "worn slick", as well as in this one. I can guess the meaning by the way you have used it in each post, but I have never heard that saying before. I love old and regional sayings, and was wondering if you knew where this one comes from? Can you share where you picked it up (from the "old timers" in your family, maybe?) and from what region of the country it might have come? I find these unique sayings to be both charming and fun. Thanks!

It comes from Oklahoma. Heard it from a woman who would be about 80 years old now. That's the extent of my knowledge. But it sure sums up how I feel sometimes! LOL!! Glad I could add to your collection!

Thanks Sooner!

I'm the mom of a 17 year old boy, so I'm coming to know just what "worn slick" feels like! I'll be adding this to my list of sayings.

SuziQ2 · ‎04-20-2010

Go and sign the book. If you don't want to go and view him...dont. At least you will be showing your support and she will feel better reading thru the names of those who did show up.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

On 4/21/2014 mominohio said:
On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:
On 4/21/2014 mominohio said:
On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:
On 4/21/2014 Madisson said:
On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:
I also see the visitation as more of a time for family and close friends. At least that is the way it works out where I live. The funeral itself is the more public thing.

Interesting. Where I live, if you attend the visitation, you also attend the funeral. Usually the visitation is right before the funeral. It seems like there used to be visitation the day before, but now I guess due to the costs, the visitation is usually an hour or two before the funeral.

Where I live it is usually late afternoon or night hours a day or two before the funeral. That gives people who work and are very close to a family member or the deceased a chance to visit with the family, pay their respects and not come to the funeral.

After the funeral a few close friends and family usually gather for a meal or refreshments at the church or a family member's home. As I told one friend, our job is to stay with you and talk and laugh if we can until we see that you are simply worn slick, then we leave and maybe at that point you can get some rest. She laughed and said it was the best thing we could do because who wants to go back to an empty house after a funeral.

Sooner,

I have noticed in another post of yours, that you used the term "worn slick", as well as in this one. I can guess the meaning by the way you have used it in each post, but I have never heard that saying before. I love old and regional sayings, and was wondering if you knew where this one comes from? Can you share where you picked it up (from the "old timers" in your family, maybe?) and from what region of the country it might have come? I find these unique sayings to be both charming and fun. Thanks!

It comes from Oklahoma. Heard it from a woman who would be about 80 years old now. That's the extent of my knowledge. But it sure sums up how I feel sometimes! LOL!! Glad I could add to your collection!

Thanks Sooner!

I'm the mom of a 17 year old boy, so I'm coming to know just what "worn slick" feels like! I'll be adding this to my list of sayings.

Oh my anything I can do to help the mom of a 17-year-old boy! Bless your heart! (Another old favorite!)! LOL!!!

KateChopin · ‎04-03-2010

This is such a good question!

I grew up knowing the "rules" for such things-- and over the years it has really gotten to be too much. As the only one who drove in my family, I had to attend not only MY friends' family members' wakes, but friends of my family members', too. It got to be too much. I upset me that I had to say no to being the chaffeur and thus causing my family to miss wakes and funerals they wanted to attend, but I was taking time off from work and MY family and I really had to draw the line.

Now I only go for immediate family members of close friends and of course, my own immediate family and close friends. Other than that, I write a lovely note or send flowers or a meal when the relationship calls for it.

IControlMyHappiness · ‎01-21-2012

I would not go and please don't feel obligated to go. I find when I go places that I really don't want to go the ""person"" can tell. Just send a card.

okiemam · ‎04-15-2010

As a fellow Okie, "worn slick" is a reference to tires, in case anyone didn't pick up on that. Or at least that's how it's been used in my circle. I've come to realize as I've gotten older and experienced it, that funeral customs vary widely by region of the country. But also by family preference. My folks are both gone, and they did NOT like the funeral home visitation custom, so there was no visitation for them. They were both cremated and placed in the columbarium in our church building after the funerals.

If I don't feel the need to support the living family members by attending the funeral, I usually send a card and/or a donation to the memorial fund designated by the family. And/or take something home baked to the house. But as I get older, I sure seem to go to a LOT of funerals!

Fifi1 · ‎03-10-2010

when we lost our parents over the past several years, I requested only family at viewing at Mortuary ( close friends were "invited") and all other friends and extended family attended the memorials. I would not have wanted to greet people at the viewing, felt it was for us to spend time and say goodbye before the public ceremony. That is the norm for our friends and family. We also invited people to a meal at a better restaurant following service, to visit with others.