Beauty

[goodstuff]

I think it's up to you. In this case, where you haven't been in touch with your former coworker for a long time and probably didn't know her father well (if at all), I think it would be perfectly fine to simply send a card expressing your condolences.

[sashamatthews]

I would go to both if it was a close relative or a close friend. I would go to one or the other if the person was not as close to me, but did have some connection. But I don't go if it is an acquaintance or a relative of a relative. You actually don't have to send a card - you could sign an online condolence book, if available. I have an employee who lately has had so many of these gatherings to attend, and they are for relatives of his in-laws. That's a bit much for me.

[Sooner]

On 4/21/2014 mominohio said:

On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:

On 4/21/2014 Madisson said:

On 4/21/2014 Sooner said:

I also see the visitation as more of a time for family and close friends. At least that is the way it works out where I live. The funeral itself is the more public thing.

Interesting. Where I live, if you attend the visitation, you also attend the funeral. Usually the visitation is right before the funeral. It seems like there used to be visitation the day before, but now I guess due to the costs, the visitation is usually an hour or two before the funeral.

Where I live it is usually late afternoon or night hours a day or two before the funeral. That gives people who work and are very close to a family member or the deceased a chance to visit with the family, pay their respects and not come to the funeral.

After the funeral a few close friends and family usually gather for a meal or refreshments at the church or a family member's home. As I told one friend, our job is to stay with you and talk and laugh if we can until we see that you are simply worn slick, then we leave and maybe at that point you can get some rest. She laughed and said it was the best thing we could do because who wants to go back to an empty house after a funeral.

Sooner,

I have noticed in another post of yours, that you used the term "worn slick", as well as in this one. I can guess the meaning by the way you have used it in each post, but I have never heard that saying before. I love old and regional sayings, and was wondering if you knew where this one comes from? Can you share where you picked it up (from the "old timers" in your family, maybe?) and from what region of the country it might have come? I find these unique sayings to be both charming and fun. Thanks!

It comes from Oklahoma. Heard it from a woman who would be about 80 years old now. That's the extent of my knowledge. But it sure sums up how I feel sometimes! LOL!! Glad I could add to your collection!

[bells4me]

I never go to a viewing or open casket funeral, not even relatives. I was traumatized years ago when I lost my best friend suddenly & walked into the service to an open casket. It's been 32 years & I've never gotten over it.

[RedTop]

I personally am not a fan of visitations and funerals, period, and think you should give yourself permission to just be comfortable with your decision, and not worry about what someone else might think. With my Grandmother and my Dad, my Mom arranged for a very short visitation before the funeral, short funeral, and only a prayer at the cemetery. Mom has been very vocal with her wish for direct cremation, and a brief graveside service. My husband and I have chosen direct cremation, and no services. Unless I am truly close to the deceased, or a family member, I don't attend visitations and funerals. I also chose not to attend the visitation or funeral of my uncle, or his son, based on the fact I had not made an effort to visit with them while they were alive. Since it had been more than 5 years since I last saw them, I did not feel my presence was that important at their funeral.

[moto]

Interesting to read all these responses. My husband is a funeral director, and I can tell you that there is no "norm". Grieving and paying respects varies by region, country of origin, religious, and cultural customs.

My familiarity is West Coast, Catholic, Irish, and for me I would say that an acquaintance who wants to emotionally support the surviving family or just to pay honor to the deceased, would attend the visitation - usually the night before the funeral. And while in most cases the funeral is public, as a working person, I would only attend the funeral service (meaning taking time of work) if it were a very close friend or family member.

A recent trend in our region, choosing to combine the tradition of a visitation on one night and a funeral the next day, into one combined single event.

Sending a card in lieu of attending a visitation or funeral, in my book, is an excellent choice. It lets the family know you are aware of their loved one's passing and offers kind words of support.

[Annabellethecat66]

I try to avoid funerals at all costs. I don't think they make sense. I believe in celebrating a person's life, not their death.

Some (my family) call it a WAKE. I guess that's more like what I like. When my husband died (because we buried him in Arlington Cemetery) we had to wait 3 weeks, so we had time to greeve. Then we had a wonderful (for want of a better word....) party to celebrate his wonderful life.

Sure we cried and cried. He was an amazing man. I am big on collecting quotes. Here's one that comes to mind that my daughter said when my husband suddenly died.

We mourn not the life he had but the life he could have had. (He was only 58, perfect health).

There are several poems about the "DASH". The dash is what's between the time you were born and the time you died. Like 1900 - 1999. That's the dash. That is what is important.

My youngest daughter told me recently (we discussed this because a lady my age where she worked suddenly died). She'd become very fond of this woman.

She said, "Mommy (she's 33 years old) when I die I want a big party. Lots of fun music and lots of laughter". I said, "OK, so you're telling the wrong person. You need to tell your children those details."

She said, "I'm not even married yet". I said, "Exactly. And I will be long gone and you will be 100 years old. So tell your children your instructions".

She laughed and said, "Oh! OK! I'll be sure to tell them".

I said, "That sounds like a plan".

So, I don't go to funerals. If I do go, it is someone I know well enough to stand and speak. I believe in speaking at a person's funeral. I think that shows respect. Not just sitting like a log.

It is very difficult to speak at a funeral, but if you're going to go and get asked, "Does anyone have any words?"

You stand up and say a few words about this person. You owe them that. You came there, so stand up and talk....no matter how difficult it is.

[busygirl]

For me it depends but sometimes a card is enough. I have a friend who is a good friend with another lady. I know this lady and we have done a couple things all of us together but I would not consider her a friend friend but when her husband died I sent a card telling her I was sorry for her loss. She did appreciate that card and told me so. I see her every now and then so we are not strangers.

I did want her to know I was sorry for her loss and that I was thinking of her. Sometimes a small act of kindness says so much.

I went to the funeral home recently for the mother of a lady I was good friends with in grade school and through 9th grade but after that went our separate ways. We were also from the same neighborhood. I always considered her a good friend and her parents were always good to me. I wanted to pay my respects and when my father passed away in my senior year she was there. It was 40 years ago but I will never forget her act of kindness and the cupcakes she brought to the house for the family.

When you lose someone sometimes it is those little things that sometimes mean the most.

Like someone else said go with your heart and that is what I do.

[Sooner]

A life-long friend of mine gave me a heart-felt thanks for coming to her mom's funeral to support her. I admitted I wasn't there because the roads were bad to their town that day. She laughed and said I shouldn't have said it because she has NO idea who was there! I think that is often the case.

People I hadn't seen in 20 years came to my dad's funeral and I had NO idea who they were. Later found out I should have recognized two of them at least. Sometimes I think if you aren't really close to the family, they don't really know who was or wasn't there after the fact because they are just trying to get through the day, or maybe like me wondered "Who WERE those people?"

[poshmini]

Depending how close you were to this co-worker, if you were close, then go, to pay your respects, if you were not, but knew them to some degree, but still want to show respect send a sympathy card. When in doubt, send a card. We all want to do the right thing, but would you expect a lot of co-workers that were not very close, to attend all funerals in your family?