Among Friends

[River Song]

@pinkcrystal ,

Being on autopilot for the first few months is normal.  After that, the shock wears off and you will really start to feel the emotional pain.  Sorry, I won't lie or give you platitudes, it's the truth and it stinks.  We all grieve differently so I can't say how long you will stay in this dark phase.  After you get through the darkness, say, sometime during the first year, it does get 'easier' only because you resign yourself to reality.  No amount of wishing is going to bring the person back.  And, that is not to say that you will magically be back to 'normal' after a year.  For me, it took a few years before I got to the point that holidays, birthdays and anniversaries were bearable and I didn't fall into a black hole of depression.

If you are into self-help books, I can recommend the book On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.  This book discusses the five stages of grief and I found it very helpful the first time I was widowed at the age of 30.  After reading the book, I felt like I knew what to expect and to be kind to myself.  I wasn't going crazy and I ignored all the stupid things people say to the bereaved when they're trying to be 'helpful'. 

If we weren't in the middle of a pandemic, I would also suggest attending a widow's support group.  It's useful to know that you are not the only one going through the grief process, that what you are feeling is perfectly normal and that if you are willing to put in the work to go through all the stages of grief without self-medicating yourself into oblivion, you will recover from the trauma.

Some people find it helpful to write their feelings down in a journal.  I attempted to start a journal the first time I was widowed and managed a couple of pages, then stopped.  It wasn't my thing and I really did not like the thought of someone reading my ramblings.  I recently found my so-called journal from 30 years ago and could not shred those few pages fast enough. 

It's especially hard the first year because the people around you, friends and co-workers, will move on with their lives and not be very sympathetic when you are paralyzed with grief and sadness.  This is the time when you will be shown which of your friends are true friends and which are nothing more than superficial friends, and it's usually the opposite of what you expect, so be prepared to be disappointed.

I know things feel very bleak for you right now but you will recover.  You won't ever forget but you will recover.  I did it and you will too.

The other widows on this thread are generous and thoughtful, so don't hesitate to come back to just vent.  Sometimes, just being able to vent to people that 'get it' really helps with the healing process.  You are not alone.  You will get through this.

[possummink]

[Snoopp]

I think there can be good days and very, very bad days.  Maybe even weeks when all you can do is cry.  It is said grief is not linear, so one can feel better one day and fall apart the next.  The grief can come in waves.  Six months is very early on.  You're probably just finishing up all the administrative things that need to be done.

Gary Roe has written some books on grieving.  You might take a look at them.  

I'm sorry you have to go through such a terrible loss.  

[Snoopp]

@River Song I feel the same way about the journaling.

You were so young to lose a spouse; it must have been quite a shock.  Did you ever remarry?  Don't answer if I am being too nosy.

[River Song]

@Snoopp ,

My first husband died in a car accident 1-1/2 years after we were married.  I thought I was going to be a soccer mom with two kids and a dog.  Didn't happen.  Yes, it was quite a shock to have three cops come to my door to tell me husband was dead.  I lost a year from my life because I was in such a state of shock.  And I was holding down a full time job!  

I did remarry eventually but didn't have kids.  My second husband died from cancer a little over a year ago.  I'm really peeved because I told my second husband that I get to die first because I wasn't going to go through the grieving process again, but here I am, widowed again!  And it isn't any easier the second time!

[geezerette]

@pinkcrystal 

Welcome!  Although we're happy to have you here, we all know that none of us want to be.  "Widow".  I still hate that term with a vengeance!  

I wish we could quote multiple posts because I agree with what the others have written.  We all go through some of the same things--for instance, as you said, during the first few months you're mostly on autopilot.  Friends and family are solicitous and there is a mountain of paperwork and phone calls to keep your mind busy, even when you think you can't 'think', if you get my drift.

But then the mundane things start to get settled and the friends and family start to go back to their own lives.  And that's when reality starts to set in for you.  If you're lucky, you have family/friends that stay close and make a place for you.  If you work, you get back into the routine of that.  Or if you are active in your community, that can become an outlet.

"They" say there are stages of grief.  That's true.  But I think that you can go through one stage only to regress back to it at some future point when you think you've moved on.  It's funny that you bring this topic up now.  My husband died three years ago this month, and the last several months I've felt that my grief is more intense now than it's been since the beginning.  I'm sure the pandemic has influenced my emotions, even though my life really hasn't changed that drastically because of it.

I wish I could say there's some sort of magic wand you could wave and your life would get back on an even keel.  I think a lot of how each of us copes is directly related to our own personalities, lifestyles, and even health.  Some of us cope more easily than others--or at least we seem to.😉  

Me?  I have a kind of a "fake it until you make it" philosophy.  I'm still faking a lot of it after three years.  Quite honestly, I still can't believe he's gone.  And yes, as much as I love and miss him, sometimes I'm mad at him for leaving me.  A bit of "could'a, should'a, would'a" sometimes.  

But then I'm grateful for many things.  And I remember those too.  

Come back anytime you feel the need.  Or just to say hi.  Or if you have a practical problem--I think we all have learned how to do things we never thought we would!  We do understand and have been where you are.  And are often still there.

❤️🙏

[Snoopp]

@River Song oh that is very sad indeed.  I'm sorry you had to go through a loss twice.  Once is bad enough.  

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]