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11-21-2016 02:21 PM
I was so pleased to see your post, thank you for thinking of all of us with all you have going on. I only wish I could have the grace and be as brave as you are. My problems seem so small compared to yours. I admire you so much and your confidence. Thank you for your kindness and friendship.
I often reminisce with my Sons about when they were growing up and about their Dad. It is very helpful in healing and says so much about our special bond we share. It's a good thing and something your children will hold on too forever. Memories are the best thing we have. Your life sounds very wonderful and how grateful you are to have all you have. I can say I didn't imagine you with long white hair in a braid it sounds lovely, you are a very beautiful lady. Funny I saw you as having shoulder length brown hair with blue eyes around 5'5". I am sure we all see you differently. I'm pleased you enjoy our friendships and feel the same love for us that we do for you dear friend.
This is always a place where we can come and talk about anything that is on our minds with out being judged. This is the place to share. Here we can say things that we probably would not say to our children because we don't want to be a burden or make them feel bad. The ladies here have a lot of love and understanding to give.
You have become a treasured friend. I am sending love and (((hugs))) your way. God Bless.
11-21-2016 03:25 PM
Silkeej - That was such a kind and thoughtful post to Karuna, I agree she is such a brave soul. I am so glad she can communicate with her sons.
Tomorrow it will be 7 years ago that my DH passed away, I will try and go to cemetary, but that is so very hard for me. Maybe I will wait and take a winter arrangement soon.
My family will be here for Thanksgiving - I think about 18 plus, I am doing turkey, m. potatoes, gravy and stuffing. They are bringing everything else. I am making a list and going to grocery very early tomorrow and hopefully I will not have to go back. Wow, we checked and a 20 lb. turkey needs to thaw in refrigerator 5 days. Well, I missed that, so will do the cold water method.
When the tornado struck, a hole in my roof caused damage to ceiling and walls in Living Room. Contractors will be here starting next Tuesday (after Thanksgiving), there is so much to do to clear things, my son will do the rearranging, but there is so much to think about, I am thinking even table lamps will need to be moved. And where to put everything is boggling my brain. Why oh why or how did I accumulate so much 'stuff'. They say it will take about a week, but I know there will be days they will only be here for a very short time, then allowing drywall to dry, etc.
Karuna - Bless you!
11-21-2016 06:15 PM
10grands, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.
Really sorry you had all that damage to your home, but it does sound as if you
are finally going to get things repaired. Why do we accumulate so much stuff??
One time when the family was coming, I put a lot of my better collectibles on the kitchen table thinking they could each take something to treasure. Ha, nobody wanted any of it.
They are all old enough to have a house full of stuff themselves and didn't need more.
Actually, much of that sort of thing is things the family has given me over the years.
Makes it hard to give it to charity. Let them make those choices one day. Hehe.
We had rain all night and it's still cloudy and cool. It sounded so nice. Just a good soaking rain, not pouring. Am sure the green things loved it, and the cars are clean.
Hi Silkeej, thank you for your lovely note to Karuna. It just breaks my heart to know what is happening to her. I pray always for healing and that she will get to see and hold those babies.
Karuna, we love you and pray for you.
11-21-2016 07:58 PM
First, thank you and possum for posting the beautiful pileated woodpecker photos. Don’t you guys have chipmunk and squirrel issues feeding the birds? They can’t all be in my yard…or are they…mmm. And the rabbits? Live in peace and harmony with everything that inhabits this planet. We’re all connected. Repeat that until I find it easier to watch them make a meal and a snack out of my plants ;p
Bernadette, I understand and I agree with what you said. Thank you. I respect what you said and yes, my feelings are still valid.
I’m often surprised with my thinking, as of late (at least I have a few brain tumors to blame ;p ---there’s a silver lining in everything!!! ) and by how little I knew about my own loved one’s thought processes when they were dying-- in that I didn’t know what they felt being alive knowing full well they were dying. Even though I was caring for them, I didn't know, because I didn't ask that specifically. When they reached the end, asking them felt like an intrusion. I was comforting them. After their deaths, I realized this and asked everyone who I knew who was dying, if they understood why they were in their position, and if they wanted to know anything or talk about any concerns. My situation is different, not having a loving family member to daily care for me, which might allow those conversations to organically take place. All of that would have fallen on my husband. Sometimes, I feel I overshare here.
You understand as a working woman, and I remember how hectic life often is when you are working. My sons and their spouses are very busy. They are busy with their careers and with a baby due soon. They live quite a driving distance away depending on traffic, although they’re in the same state. CA is big. But, they make it over here, we have talks and they are now saying "Mom, think about this…reframe that" vs. "Mother! " It’s getting real for all of us and I feel so sad for them and I feel guilty. And leaving them and with a house full of stuff too boot.
My son the doctor (has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) yet it is NOT as great as you’d expect having a son as a doctor in this dynamic. He's loving, caring and pragmatic. My other son is also loving and caring, and he will analyze a situation, and if he can he will write a program to produce every option, in every possible situation. Too much inside info for anyone else to understand. Sorry. Fortunately, both are loving and compassionate as well as cerebral. They will be fine. Please let them be. They are nice human beings. We were proud. But, as you know, death can bring up many feelings. I hope they don’t feel orphaned or abandoned.
Funny things happened when we were reminiscing, they had some childhood and teenage “confessions”. I listened with a straight face (I had to cover my mouth at times to cover my smile) when they finished, I laughed and told them they will soon find out, as parents, that kids can think they got away with something, but that's because we let it slide. Gads like we didn't know. Too darn funny. One big “confession” when they were maybe 5 and 7yrs.old they came home wearing very happy faces and gave me a bunch of flowers---lilies, mums, roses. I remember it well. I said “Oh, how beautiful. Thank you. Where did you buy these?” They said they--- and they went back and forth with perplexed looks and said… they forgot and I finally dropped it. I noticed the flowers were a bit past their prime and some stems wer longer and some had florist tape. Well, the big confession was they saw a dumpster behind a funeral home overfull with flowers and they helped themselves to some tossed out flowers. LOL. Ah well…sigh. I told them, they were concerned about how I’d feel about “dumpster flowers” not that they wandered so far from home? ;p Laughs. “You guys knew about xyz…ah yup.” Ha!
Bernadette, I am not dead yet. Tru dat! And I try to respect my time as a gift. Sometimes I fail.
What I don't share is how close I am. I know, one never knows exactly when, but there are signs. I haven't shared.
I do have full authority over my care until my son’s step in. My son has contact with my doc and they are ready and willing to give me anything I need to be comfortable. I did call the doctor and said it was time for an anti-anxiety medication. Thank you for that push. I am feeling better.
My sons will call me on Thanksgiving; they are spending the day with their in-laws. I was asked to join them, but...meh, not now. I decided not to have caregivers that day as well. Some me time is just fine.
I'm able to endure the shoulder pain enough to assist myself dressing and using the bathroom. ---high five to comfortable clothing---I also feel good I've arranged for care to be here for only two hours every other day. I'll see how that plays out. If I can get help with a shower and braiding my hair, then I'm good. I'll soon receive some PT at home. Day by day, I'm better coordinated using my arm and I have a much easier time using both hands together to do some tasks. Reaching…not so much…yet!
I thought long and hard about this. If something is going to happen to me, then it will-- with help or without help in the same room or in the next room.
My grandchildren---let me repeat that---my grandchildren :=} are due on 12/7 and 12/13. :=} Both are delivering naturally. Right now, that’s the plan Although there is a baby boy with a Charlie Brown pumpkin head in there---just like his daddy. I still remember that delivery. :/ He did grow into his head, after a couple of months…LOL… he was so cute with his deep dimples and blond hair. He’s tall and broad. My other son is dark, tall and trim.
(((You are too kind))), Bernadette. If I can be another bright light in the night sky, that would be exciting. On my bucket list, has been being part of a flash mob. I love them If you see the stars awkwardly dancing... know I'm part of it. ;-}
I will write to @Possummink, @snappy, @birdmama, @Silkeej, @goldensrbest, @10grands, @MsLomo, @halfpint soon with my deepest gratitude to you.
If I don’t respond before Thanksgiving, know I am deeply grateful for your understanding, support and the fun. Have a beauty-filled day. Eat, drink and laugh…and of course football. Cheers!
11-21-2016 08:23 PM
11-21-2016 08:40 PM - edited 11-21-2016 08:41 PM
I'm so grateful that you wrote back to me dear. I have squirrels, a bunny or two, at least 100 sparrows and a couple of dozen birds that eat in my yard. They have trained me well over the years. I also have a groundhog named Gerry (since I don't know the gender) that lives under my front porch. I don't bother Gerry, Gerry doesn't bother me. All are welcome in my yard. I feel closest to my Maker when I am surrounded by animals and wildlfe.
I live with an 11 year old sparrow named Poppi that I hand raised fresh out of the egg. I also live with a 7 year old pigeon Grayson that found me after a hawk attack. He couldn't be released back into the wild.
My youngest sparrow, another orphan has been part of my family since she was 4 days old. She is 3 now.
I am coming up on the 10 year anniversary of my husbands passing in January. I can't believe it's been a decade. My husband was 18 years my senior and was 62 when he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. I was 44 and had never been through a critical illness with anyone before.
Of course, being the 'rock' in the family, I'm the analytical one and the fixer. Just tell me what you need and when you want it and I will make it so. The woman I was 10 years ago can relate to what your children are doing.
Despite everything that the doctors said, I believe my husband recognized what was going on in his body. So much was happening so quickly - from a suspicion at the end of October to a failed stent surgery and subsquent removal of a kidney right around Thanksgiving, to chemo port surgery to chemo before and after Christmas to his death right after New Years.
I took FMLA from work and was with him non stop since (wow, just looked at the calendar) November 21, 2006. I scheduled appointments, I ran for whatever he needed. I was a great caregiver - I would get him what he needed before he had the chance to finish the sentence verbalizing what he needed.
He wanted no one else around him - not even his grown kids from his first marriage. Just me and I was happy to oblige.
Where I failed him was talking about his feelings. He was never one to communicate as much as I do, however we didn't just talk about stuff - like what he was feeling, was he afraid, was he worried.
My husband took his own life when I went to serve jury duty. I came home from jury duty to check on him at lunchtime. I made him lunch. When I came home from work a couple of hours later, he was physically gone from the house. He was proficient, completed his task in a place that didn't traumatize anyone and I knew where to look.
I don't tell you this so that you will feel sorry for me. I learned a valuable lesson that day and it has taken me nearly a decade to 'return to myself'.
I didn't give him the cancer, I know that. I wasn't angry that he chose to expedite his journey to the other side.
I felt I failed him as a wife because I didn't listen.
If there was anything good to come out of it, I learned to focus on the present with loved ones who are critically ill. My father died 3 months later and he and I had great conversations before he passed. My mother passed in 2010 and I was the only daughter she could speak with about what she was feeling. We were the two Bernadette's (I'm named after my Ma) who would sit with a cup of tea and talk about life, death, anything on her mind.
@karuna you could never overshare with me. I'm interested in what you are feeling and thinking about. I am not surprised that you feel your time could be waning. You are the only one living in your body and I believe we are given hints as we move through this life cycle.
I have a flameless candle cycling for you though. I go flameless so I don't burn the house down, rofl. I am asking every saint that's ever helped me in the past to get you to B-day (code for the baby's births).
I love to dance and when the time comes for you to become a light in the night sky, wobble on over to southeast Michigan - my state looks like a big mitten, you can't miss me and I will run into the back yard and dance with you in the night.
I cherish my conversations with you @karuna and if I don't speak with you beforehand, Happy Thanksgiving. I certainly count meeting you here as something for me to be thankful for this season.
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