Among Friends

[moon_gazer]

My husband started smoking years ago while in college and has tried many times over the years to quit. A few times, he has quit for several months, only to start up again. Well, for the past 3 years, I had been under the impression that he had quit completely.  There had been a few times when I thought I smelled smoke on his clothes, but, he would adamantly deny it and give me a look like I was crazy to even think it. So, yesterday, after I had been out running a few errands, I surprised him by coming home a little earlier than he had expected me and I parked my car in back of our home instead of pulling into the garage at the front. He was on the back patio with a cigarette in hand. Couldn't deny it then. Now I am not saying I really care one way or the other whether he chooses to smoke....and, at this point he can just smoke himself to death if he so chooses. I am just a quite upset that the person I have trusted and lived most of my life with would lie to my face. Am I being unreasonble? 

[fthunt]

I would just..................move on or it will become a bigger deal than it really is.  I'd feel worse if I drove my mate to feeling he had to hide things (from me).

[Sooner]

@moon_gazer  To me it depends on how much grief you would give him over smoking.  No, he should never lie to you because it makes you wonder what all he is lying about. 

I guess the bottom line is how much smoking means to each of you.

My mother smoked all her life, I never gave her trouble about it because I knew and she admitted she would never consider quitting.  So what would be the point?  She was obnoxious about it.  I couldn't have lived with it in adulthood.

So, in my mind y'all need to sit down and discuss this like rational adults, and see what compromises and limits you can work out.  Negotiate it!   And best wishes to you!  

[Peaches McPhee]

Well, maybe he lied because he is ashamed of himself and did not want to display a weakness in front of you. I am afraid you are making this about your feelings, not his.

[BirkiLady]

@moon_gazer  I'm a very strong, independent female and able to face most of life's issues with grace most of the time. However, lieing is something I've never tolerated. It's a breach of trust, love and respect. My heart would be shattered and I would be devestated. You have every right to be angry. That better be his last cigarette and the last lie he ever tells. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."  If he were my husband, he'd be in the doghouse until I felt like laughing, liking and trusting again. (Right now, I'm sure you still love him; but the like may not be there.)

[blueroses47]

If you realize that it is more about him, and how he feels about his failure to be able to quit smoking, not so much that he is trying to deceive you, then it will be easier to put aside the fact he actually was deceiving you, if you know what I'm saying.

He probably feels disappointed in himself, and embarrassed he is unable to get a grip on the problem. 

My  mom did the same thing with  me.  She was a heavy lifetime smoker and developed COPD, and she knew how much I wanted her to stop, so she pretended to quit, but I knew from the usual signs that she probably was still smoking when I wasn't around.  I also knew that she felt it was a failing on her part that she couldn't stop.  She was so disciplined about every other aspect of her life, but she couldn't conquer the cigarette thing. 

She's gone now, and I wish I had been more understanding of her issue with smoking.  I know she did her best.

[lovesrecess]

My in-laws both smoked at least a pack a day for decades; they both said they had quit and I found cigarettes stashed everywhere....by both of them...so they were lying to each other for years. I would just tell your DH to be honest with you if he is going to continue to smoke. If you turn it into a huge deal he will probably just smoke even more. 

[NicksmomESQ]

  No you’re not being unreasonable.I would feel

betrayed too.But remember smoking is a disease.Your husband probably didn’t want to disappoint you.

   If your relationship is otherwise solid I would talk to him & work it out.He made a mistake.He’s only human.Tell him how disappointed you are in him & give him an opportunity to make it up to you.Give him a chance to earn back your trust.

   What did he say when you caught him?

[Kachina624]

I think it's only natural if a smoker knows he's going to meet extreme disapproval, to lie about it.  My dad did the same thing.  Both my parents were visually impaired with macular degeneration in their last years.  Dad claimed to have quit smoking but when we went camping in their motor home, I'd see him down the road or in the woods smoking.  I kept my mouth shut; he was almost 90 and far be it from me to tell him he couldn't smoke.

I, on the other hand, was a heavy smoker who quit on a whim in 1985, totally and permanently.  I'll never understand how I was able to do this so easily.

[Cakers3]

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@moon_gazer wrote:

My husband started smoking years ago while in college and has tried many times over the years to quit. A few times, he has quit for several months, only to start up again. Well, for the past 3 years, I had been under the impression that he had quit completely.  There had been a few times when I thought I smelled smoke on his clothes, but, he would adamantly deny it and give me a look like I was crazy to even think it. So, yesterday, after I had been out running a few errands, I surprised him by coming home a little earlier than he had expected me and I parked my car in back of our home instead of pulling into the garage at the front. He was on the back patio with a cigarette in hand. Couldn't deny it then. Now I am not saying I really care one way or the other whether he chooses to smoke....and, at this point he can just smoke himself to death if he so chooses. I am just a quite upset that the person I have trusted and lived most of my life with would lie to my face. Am I being unreasonble? 

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@moon_gazer  I can understand why you would feel betrayed but honestly a smoker has more than a scent of smoke on just his clothes.

Since he has been caught, and he's a grown up, only he can decide what to do about his habit.  You know this. 

I'm sure he wasn't hiding because he is a bad person; people feel guilty about their habits as it is.

He knows the risks; at this point since the ciggie is out of the pack so to speak I'd would gently remind him of the help available today to quit and then let it be.