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Honored Contributor
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Registered: ‎05-10-2010

His sister is being mean and vindictive and I don't know how she look at herself in the mirror.  She's an awful person.  BUT, your friend was not married to the man.  She was not his wife.  She does not get the benefits and protections that a wife gets.  No one knows what he would have or would not have done if he'd lived.  They were not married and legally or by common law at the time of his death.  Living together is common now and there really isn't much need for marriage now.  However, people who choose not to marry really should protect themselves from situations like this.  If he had a will that left everything to her, there would be no problems now.  Early in your post, I wondered about the common law marriage.  We don't have them in my state but from my work for SSA years and years ago, I know there are rules to it and a couple cannot just "declare" themselves to be common law spouses.  It doesn't  work that way.  Also, at that point, why didn't the just get married?  This terrible situation should be a lesson to couples.  They don't have to marry but they should protect each other via solid wills, insurance policies naming their partner as beneficiary, living wills, healthcare proxies, putting the partner's name on the deeds.  No one knows why the sister is being so vindictive, your friend knows but she is keeping that private.  There's a back story that explains the family's feelings.  You only know her side of things.  I wonder if in acting as his "wife", she went to far and excluded his family and failed to keep them in the loop regarding his his hospitalization and the funeral plans.  Even as a wife of 35 years, if my husband was ill and eventually passed away,  his family would be an integral part of everything.  They were together 6 years and they were just dating for the majority of that time and then their was that illegal common law thing and I think his family might feel that some girlfriend who wasn't even his fiance moved in and just "took over" and excluded them.  Anyway, she has no choice.  She has to give them whatever the law says belongs to them.  She seems to be hung up on the "wife" thing, I could understand that if she was 75 or if they'd been together for 20 or 30 years.   In her heart and and in his heart, she was his "wife".  The feelings and her sense of loss have not changed.  That's another reason why she should give them the "stuff" and end it so she can grieve and get on with her life.  

Honored Contributor
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Registered: ‎05-10-2010

@RedTop wrote:

I think it’s a very sad situation, and feel for your friend, but think the couple should have done more as far as declaring their “marriage”.  Since their sole purpose was meant to gain FMLA benefits for her and give her the ability to act on his behalf, they should have recognized that involved something else besides just saying “we’re married”, and telling a few people.    

 

They should have sought help thru hospital social workers to have insured a different ending to this situation.   Every adult with any assets; car, home, money in the bank, work benefits, etc., should have some type of a plan, period.   I have daughters in their late 30’s who have had a will, power of attorney, and living will in place for over 15 years, simply because it’s the responsible thing to do.   


 

        Exactly,  There are a multitude of ways in which a couple can protect themselves and their live in partners.  The couple in question was 40ish I believe and sadly she faked the common law marriage to get FMLA benefits.  And then, she just carried on with it, never assuming that anyone would question it.  The fact that they didn't just get married when they could have, made the sister believe that her brother had been taken advantage of by a girlfriend.   I suppose the woman can see a lawyer if she has money to waste but all she has to do is find out what defines a common law marriage in her state.  She can do that herself for free.  She should have done that before she just "declared" herself a common law spouse anyway.  That's, I think, is what angered the family so much.  They were locked out because the hospital considered her to be his "wife" and she didn't include them in anything after that.  Sad situation all around.

Honored Contributor
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Registered: ‎05-10-2010

@My3Girls wrote:

These are viable points and hindsight is 20/20.  The main issue is that nobody thought he would die.  We all thought there would be time.  By the time we started to question that, it was too late.  The other issue was that his respiratory was under duress so he was put on the respirator for so long which puts him under, that the "window" of lucidity started to be fewer and far between.  The declaration was a happy day for them and yes more should have been done but at the time, it wasn't so obvious.  Lesson learned is to yes, take action legally when you have the time and don't wait.  But this would all be for naught if the sister had not contested.  Before the courtdate, H's lawyer reached out for a settlement, but the sister wanted it all.  She's hurting ad I feel for her but I wish she knew how much pain she is inflicting.  


 

        Why are you blaming the sister for a situation she didn't cause?  I agree she's acting badly for literally nothing.  Well, not nothing.  There's a lot of pain and anger on their side.  This was only short 6 year relationship and they only lived together for a year, your friend was a girlfriend and that's how this became the tragedy it became.  They believe that she committed fraud and legally, she did.  She should accept that she caused this whole thing.  She should give them what the law says belongs to them and end it so she can go through the grieving process in peace.  

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@My3Girls wrote:

The FMLA was needed so H could take off from work without fear of losing her job, especially since the chemo for the leukemia was expected to take at least 6 months to go through and G would have needed someone to care for him.  Again, the sister never volunteered to do that, nor did any of his other family members.    The relationship with the sister was not very  good...she was a recovering addict with bipolar tendacies.  H is trying to find compassion for the sister but the disrespect is so hard to ignore.  


 

         So, you believe if we want something badly enough.  If we need something badly enough, it ok to commit fraud?   Because that's what she did and like a snowball getting larger and larger and as it barrels down the mountain....that is what your friend's fraud did.  She did it for the FMLA leave and she forgot it wasn't real.  She took on the role of "wife" when she wasn't and that is what infuriated the sister and other family.  Don't forget, the man isn't here to explain to his family that it's what HE wanted too.  They only see it has HER doing something illegal.  Honestly, I don't understand why she's objecting to giving them whatever the law says belongs to them.  That doesn't take anything away from the only thing that should matter to her.  The love she and her "husband" had for each other.  I'm sure that keeping the tv and the what-have-you's won't lighten her grief in anyway.  The sister didn't create this situation, your friend did.  There's no way around that.  I hope your friend has others in her life who can help her see things from the man's family's perspective and the legalities  and who can help her see that she just needs to end this quarrel and move on.    

Honored Contributor
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Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I'm wondering what you mean by 'they declared to be common law married on Aug. 28'.  Does something *official* happen, paper signed or witnesses for them just saying it?

 

I don't know, I'm just asking.

 

What I don't get is, why the sister would want any money from her brother's estate.  Or his cologne---creepy.

 

I hope her FMLA doesn't become an issue, if she 'recieved' it.

Occasional Contributor
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎05-15-2010

To be clear, my friend is more than willing to relinquish the cash, and much of his belongs and they lived together for 6 years, not just 1.  The family was not excluded from the hospitalization whatsoever and during that time, she gave multiple updates per day on his condition.  The family was very appreciative at the time that she was there to care for him, but it appears that when he passed, they just wanted to dismiss her.  There is no backstory with the sister and H, as the sister even called H her sister.

However, my goal in writing this was to try to better understand what the family/sister was thinking and among the replies, despite some facts that were wrong, you all were able to share some insight that I very much appreciate.   Thank you all for your perspectives and sympathies.

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,323
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: What do you think?

[ Edited ]

@Lucky Charm  My earlier post stated that in order to receive FMLA they both would have been required to sign a document stating common law marriage.  That is the law and will stand up in any court!

 

If they were living together for a significant amount of time I will never get why family members would disrecpect their family member's choice to live with someone - even if the person was living with someone just for the money - but if that were the case then they would have pushed for marriage!  I think everything in the home they lived in should be reguarded as property of both.

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Registered: ‎06-17-2015

@My3GirlsIf your friend and her "spouse" did not file a formal declaration at the courthouse with the county clerk then they were not considered in a common law marriage.

 

You said that they lived together for 6 years but in May the judge ruled that they were not husband and wife because they didn't live together???  Either you are giving conflicting info or the judge was in his/her right not to declare a common law marriate if they never filed with the court.

 

Announcing that they are husband and wife is not enough to be considered common law in Texas.

 

As far as the grave, the sister has no rights to a plot that she does not own.  Nor can she just have his body moved; she has no rights to that plot to do so.

 

Honestly I find this whole situation a tad skewered but it all comes down to your friend and her "husband" did not follow the proper procedure to be considered in a common law marriage.

 

If all the facts are correct as submitted, then your friend has no choice in this matter.

If there are bills, let the sister take care of them.  You already said that your friend took care of the bills and if in her heart he was her husband then she really shouldn't be expecting to be repaid.

 

 

 

 

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh
Honored Contributor
Posts: 41,469
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@My3Girls  If the original question is what do I think?  I think the death of someone brings out the ugly in people sometimes. 

There are many elements: wind, fire, water
But none quite like the element of surprise
Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,916
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:

I'm wondering what you mean by 'they declared to be common law married on Aug. 28'.  Does something *official* happen, paper signed or witnesses for them just saying it?

 

I don't know, I'm just asking.

 

What I don't get is, why the sister would want any money from her brother's estate.  Or his cologne---creepy.

 

I hope her FMLA doesn't become an issue, if she 'recieved' it.

 

 

 

That's an easy one.  The sister is angry and vindictive and she thinks the woman was a fraudster.  The brother isn't here to explain the situation.  The sister only knows that his girlfriend faked a common law marriage and made decisions and plans for her brother that she had no right to make.  Don't forget, they were only together 6 years and only lived together for 1.  This wasn't a long term relationship where everyone knew everyone else.  Any reasonable person would ask the same question....why didn't they just get married.  Every hospital can arrange that, it's done all the time.  I work in hospital and there chaplains of various denominations but we also have several people who became Justices of the Peace so that there's always someone around who can perform an emergency marriage.