Among Friends

[My3Girls]

Thank you all for your condolences. There are a ton of woulda-coulda-shoulda's but to ponder them will only drive one crazy.  H was never interested in the $$, but wanted so much to have the "declaration" recognized.  There were some lies about the declaration from the sister and an aunt (who only visited after G had passed) at the hearing basically asserting as some have said in this thread that the declaration wasn't legit since it was done due to the FMLA need.  But it was a real declaration filled with real joy for H and G that day, to which his best friend and his wife told the judge that they were told by G himself but the aunt/sister were believed more than the best friend.  More would have been done after the declaration had G not have to be put back on the respirator.  And H was just waiting for his lungs to get stronger so he would be awake but that never did happen.  Love your loved ones and tell them often.  And have compassion for those suffering.  I feel horrible for the sister, as she has no parents and no brother.  I cannot imagine what that feels like.  So I hope she her sadness heals for herself and maybe it would help our my friend as well.

[My3Girls]

The FMLA was needed so H could take off from work without fear of losing her job, especially since the chemo for the leukemia was expected to take at least 6 months to go through and G would have needed someone to care for him.  Again, the sister never volunteered to do that, nor did any of his other family members.    The relationship with the sister was not very  good...she was a recovering addict with bipolar tendacies.  H is trying to find compassion for the sister but the disrespect is so hard to ignore.  

[My3Girls]

She is seeing if there is anything to be done to appeal the judge's ruling, again not for the $$ but to have the marriage recognized.  Regardless, she is legally changing her last name to his and her friends and family recognize him as her husband.  She is coming to terms that legally there may not be anything she can do and she may not get any $$ back to pay for the medical bills she already paid.  Now the latest drama is that the sister wants permission from G's high school best friend who owns the plot to place a headstone and threatens to even move him if she doesn't get permission.  The best friend is extending his hand for a compromise to try to ensure that H gets some input.  The plot G has is supposed to be for 2, and so they want a headstone that shows that. Example: "The Millers" with his name and dates and a space for hers in the future.

[butterfly123]

@My3Girls

The sister spent very little time with her brother. Your friend was his advocate and made the best possible decisions.

Since the sister wants the money and stuff, she should repay your friend for all medical expenses and any other bills. 

An attorney usually offers a free consultation. Would you be able to help your friend note everything you have written in your post and help her get copies of all the documentation?

The sister sounds like a greedy bully and unfortunately I have had similar family problems. 

Your friend’s love and care for her partner/spouse is priceless and irreplaceable.

Others have posted valuable information. 

I wish the best for you and your friend. 

[Scooby Doo]

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@My3Girls wrote:

The FMLA was needed so H could take off from work without fear of losing her job, especially since the chemo for the leukemia was expected to take at least 6 months to go through and G would have needed someone to care for him.  Again, the sister never volunteered to do that, nor did any of his other family members.    The relationship with the sister was not very  good...she was a recovering addict with bipolar tendacies.  H is trying to find compassion for the sister but the disrespect is so hard to ignore.  

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I wouldn't try and find compassion for the sister.  She doesn't deserve it at this point.  Too bad that H paid the medical bills.  She wasn't obligated to do that legally.  The bills would have been written off or a lien placed on his property.  Then the sister inherits the property and the bills since she is his only surviving family member.  If she really wanted to pay them, she could have negotiated for a lower amount.  She's volunteering too much of herself.

[NYC Susan]

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@RedTop wrote:

I think it’s a very sad situation, and feel for your friend, but think the couple should have done more as far as declaring their “marriage”.  Since their sole purpose was meant to gain FMLA benefits for her and give her the ability to act on his behalf, they should have recognized that involved something else besides just saying “we’re married”, and telling a few people.    

They should have sought help thru hospital social workers to have insured a different ending to this situation.   Every adult with any assets; car, home, money in the bank, work benefits, etc., should have some type of a plan, period.   I have daughters in their late 30’s who have had a will, power of attorney, and living will in place for over 15 years, simply because it’s the responsible thing to do.   

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I agree. 

And I understand why the family was questioning the marriage since it seems this couple suddenly decided to simply declare themselves married after years of living together, and it was done at a time he wasn't well.  If a judge has said the marriage isn't legal, then it's not really the family's fault for questioning it.  It's surprising to me that apparently there weren't any documents in place, not even a POA or basic will. 

Yes, it's a sad situation, and my heart goes out to this woman who has lost her beloved partner.

[Ifeelwicked]

First of all, I’m so sorry for your friend. And legalities aside, shame on that sister. (Please tell me there was a huge “thank you” somewhere amidst her demands. 🤷‍♀️)  I would absolutely hand everything over, then send “sis” a certified letter (bill) from an attorney of everything owed to your dear friend and don’t leave off so much as a Tylenol. It’s worth a try.

[Pook]

I would think that in order to get approved for the FMLA she had to sign papers declaring common law marriage.  That should be the same everywhere because FMLA  law should be the same in all states.  I have a friend who did that when she retired so her SO could have her benefits to.  That piece of paper should hold up in any court.   I don't get what not living with each other (especially considering the circumstances) has to to with anything.  Look at the many couples who have to work out of town for their work - especially those working in the movie industry or in the military and deployed and they still can get whatever their spouses have amassed if they die or divorce.  Couples who have seperated but never divorced even after 5, 10 or more years have been treated as the sole heir even though they have not lived together for many many years!  I do think she has a good chance of winning in court!

[CalminHeart]

Some states are still very backwards in their thinking and laws. Health insurance big business makes tons of money and, if a state limits rights or the employer/insured chose a non-ACA policy policy, they're out of luck.  It's a huge reason to go to the courthouse and make a relationship legal.