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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,423
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

I have a boyfriend who lives with me. Both of us are widow and widower and marriage is out.  We do share expenses and chores. So far so good.

However, what hurts me is when he goes to his hometown to visit family I am never invited, this includes major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.Additionally,  when his grown children call him they never send their regards to me or ask about me.  I have always been kind to them and I took care of their dad ( boyfriend) when he had cancer ( which is why I invited him to move in) .  AM I being overly sensitive? My children always include him and treat him as family; with him and his I feel like an outsider. 

 

I had to unload since I just found out he is going back for Thanksgiving and there will be family and friends invited.  

Have a nice day everyone.  I miss  my late husband and the feeling of belonging .

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,536
Registered: ‎12-13-2010

I am so sorry your partner is not including you in family/holiday plans and I understand why you would be very hurt. Have you spoken with him about this? If not, you need to have this conversation. Best of luck.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,620
Registered: ‎09-22-2010

@Calcgirl 

 

I think you need to tell him how you feel.  

Super Contributor
Posts: 457
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

You are not being overly sensitive.  You need to tell him how you feel.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,113
Registered: ‎09-30-2010

@Calcgirl   Some grown children are very standoffish when it comes to accepting a parent's choice in partners.  You don't mention how long you and your gentleman friend have been together, which MIGHT have some bearing on their attitudes.  And you might never learn the basis for their attitudes.

 

Just me: I wouldn't let it bother me since you can't change it and marriage has been ruled out by you both.  Only you can control your reaction to their posture.  I would just go along with how things are and see if anything changes.  Meanwhile, I would happily enjoy time with my family, holidays and other times.

 

I wouldn't say you are being overly sensitive, it would sadden me, too;  but just make the best of things as they are if you value the relationship with him.  He may not want to create a "situation" with his children.

 

I'm sure others will have much different, perhaps better, advice than I am offering.  I'm sorry you are missing your late husband and feeling excuded.  Be glad you do have your children who do love, and accept you, and graciously include him.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,592
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I'm so sorry. Holidays are a time when single people often feel very lonely.  Yet, you're not single, but in a relationship.  

I hope you can be with your children for the next holiday.  But I would rethink what is happening here 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,874
Registered: ‎12-07-2012

I agree with @ellaphant and @DiAnne.  This needs a conversation between the two of you.  I do understand how you feel.

 

Not that it makes any difference, but how long since you've both been widowed and how long have you been living together?

Denise
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,511
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

He may consider you a housekeeper and caregiver while you consider him as far more.

 

Marriage is out and expenses are shared. These days its considered friends with benefits woth no strings attached.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,081
Registered: ‎08-01-2019

@Calcgirl I certainly can understand being hurt.  Have you met his other family members at all? Do they ever come to visit you?  Has your BF had many other relationships other than yours? 

 

I am in the same situation - my BF and I have been together for almost 18 years. Never been asked when my birthday is, and this year neither of his sons bothered to phone him on his birthday. His mother and father were always very nice to me, as well as his cousins. I just think his kids lack manners and common courtesy. I don't think the situation will change much at this point, so I've pulled back from them. I'm courteous and kind, but my BF now buys their gifts etc. 

 

I would ask your boyfriend what's up with not being included. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,295
Registered: ‎03-27-2010

@Calcgirl  I agree with the comments made by @aroc3435 .  It is normal that you would miss the closeness you had with your husband.  But is sounds as if you have a happy relationship with your SO other than the holiday situation.  Enjoy what you have, and seek closeness with friends and your family when appropriate.  If you ask, maybe over time he may want to join in with your family.  I wouldn't count on it, but important to let him know he is welcome.  Respect yourself and live your life with dignity and joy....no one can take that from you.

 

Just a note:  It is sometimes important to share, but I would be cautious about too much personal information online.  Just looking out for you!Heart