Among Friends

[Lacey1]

I hope the OP never finds herself in one of these facilities. I went to see my ex MIL

yesterday at a nursing home. Whatever discomfort you may imagine, does not compare to a nice little visit. Being lonely and watching the clock is a living hell. Buy a dozen donuts for the staff and bring her a little present. It's the right thing to do.

[GCR18]

I think you've put yourself in this situation by calling her all the time and emailing her.  She thinks you two are really close.  I would think that.  You have to come clean and tell her what your intentions are when she moves. Like will you continue to call her all the time.  Her feelings will be hurt, but there is no other way unless you continue your relationship.

[millieshops]

Visits are very different from calls and emails -  harder I understand for you, but obviously better for your neighbor/friend.  I don't think she'd keep asking if it weren't so.

Would it help to try to find another neighbor to go with you maybe?

Set some time limits in your own mind, if you have children and grandchildren, take along some of your holiday pictures as well as a very deep breath and try once.  Just try to have something to move the conversation from doom and gloom toward something positive.  Both of you seem to need that and something concrete to look at and talk about might help.

[chrystaltree]

.....good grief, this is a problem only because you are making it one.  Tell the woman how you feel.  Explain to her that your feelings outweigh any desire you might have to see her.  Look, if we are lucky enough to live any length of time, we will all lose someone we love.  It's called life.  And yes, for a while, there are always places and situations and activities that bring the pain back.  For a while....but, as adults we learn to deal with and get on with our lives.   We HAVE to do this for the living people in our lives, we have to do it for ourselves.  If you can't, you can't.  But why hurt somone else?  Why risk giving your friend the impression that you just don't want to visit her?  That makes no sense to me at all.  It sounds like your father might have been in hospice care which is NOT at what assited living is about.  Your friend isn't in some place wating for the Grim Reaper to come and claim her.  She's living her life.

[Suziepeach]

@Black Cat Back, it's a whole different situation with your friend.  She's living her life & evidently enjoys your company.  I can so empathize with you about your Dad but we all have to move on.  I loathe the month of December as my mom died at Christmas but I make do and have moved on...  Please go visit your friend and enjoy it..  it might do your heart good and she'll love it too!  That first step from the heart is the hardest but we can do it.. 

[Q4u]

It's extremely sad when kindness, being polite and not wanting to make another human feel cast off are misconstrued for intimacy or close friendship.  I've had this happen once or twice but not in the situation you are in.  

However, I DO understand the sad emotional tie with convalescent homes.  My father as in one for 23 months.  After the first 12months, my Mother died in my home.  It's been 19 years and I won't step in a convalescent home unless I asolutely HAVE to....  I also have a hard time watching ambulances as I followed one with my dying  Mother in one......

Life is hard... do what you can and don't feel guilty about the rest..... 

[Vivian]

Imagine how this poor woman must feel. She had to leave her home and now her close neighbor won't visit. To me, this comes down to what you can do for her and not what her being there does to you. I'd look at it as a way to honor your father. He'd want you to visit her. Gather your courage and go. You'll feel better for it and so will she.

[goldensrbest]

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@Vivian Florimond wrote:

Imagine how this poor woman must feel. She had to leave her home and now her close neighbor won't visit. To me, this comes down to what you can do for her and not what her being there does to you. I'd look at it as a way to honor your father. He'd want you to visit her. Gather your courage and go. You'll feel better for it and so will she.

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You are one of a very few,that care about this lady, you must be a nice person, i have been thinking about this the last few hours how the old lady feels, her family does not seem to care about her.

[bonnielu]

I would go.  And I would feel that it was IN HONOR OF MY FATHER THAT I WAS THERE DOING A GOOD DEED FOR A FRIEND.  I am sure your father would want you to do that.  

[1jenniferjuniper]

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@bonnielu wrote:

I would go.  And I would feel that it was IN HONOR OF MY FATHER

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I agree. Don't make it about you. Visiting her will not bring your dad back but it will honor him............that he raised a kind and compassionate daughter. Bake some cookies and bring her some. It will make her day.