Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor - Page 4

DiAnne · ‎09-22-2010

@Hot Street wrote:
I have a neighbor who is selling her home and moved to an assisted living apt type place.

I call her all the time and e-mail her also. However, I find it hard to go visit her there because my father was in a similar place when he was dying of cancer. He was there for a few weeks to give me respite (since I was his full time caregiver), but I found it so hard to keep him there. It broke my heart to leave each night, so I brought him back home and took care of him myself with a visiting hospice nurse a few days a week.

I know this neighbor wants me to visit her, but it's too hard for me to go in there. It brings back memories and I find it hard to be there. She has children who live here, but only one visits her. I do call a few times a week and e-mail her frequently.

I keep making excuses, and she keeps pushing that I need to come see her.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to appear unconcerned, but it hurts too much for me to go right now because of losing my Dad recently.

She tells me stories about the residents and their health issues, and it's too hard for me to be in that environment. She's very pushy, but don't know how long I can make excuses.

She is obviously lonely and thinks of you as a friend. No one wants to visit skilled nursing facilities. Imagine how you would feel in her place. Have some empathy.

Irshgrl31201 · ‎03-18-2010

If that is how you feel about visiting, imagine how she feels living there with her own family visiting her so infrequently? I can't think of anything worse than being so lonely for family and/or friends to visit and being in a place you do not like.

Listen, I can certainly understand how much you hate going there but you get to leave. Just remember that.

If it were me no amount of discomfort or loathing of the memories brought up would keep me from seeing someone who would obviously love and even need to see you.

I think if before and throughout the visit if you were to think of how lonely she feels and how much a visit from you could cheer her up, you would realize what is most important.

If you decide not to visit, please just tell her. Do not string her along with broken promises of visiting. I think that would be awful for a person who is anxiously awaiting a visit only to get put off over and over again.

This is the hard part of being a friend. You do things you really don't want to because you know how much it would truly mean to the other person. Just keep reminding yourself that you get to leave but she doesn't.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK

MacDUFF · ‎05-29-2015

I understand the difficult position you're in, but I would gut it out and visit. But, I would also contact a church or an elder help type organization and ask for people to volunteer to visit her. I used to do this...I just walked into a nursing home near where I used to live and started visiting. IOW, there are plenty of people out there who live to do this kind of good deed. Eventually, the burden will be off you and you can back off if you still feel you need to.

~~~ I call dibs on the popcorn concession!! ~~~

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

I've reached out in the best way I can right now. She expects too much. I can only give so much but am trying not to hurt her feelings in the process.

***********************

That's it right there. You have said a couple of times she is very pushy,

There are people we are friends or acquaintences with who will push and push and drain people around them. They can want more than anyone can give. She was your neighbor, correct? Not a lifelong close friend.

I read nothing but not wanting to go there in your posts, and you know what? You don't have to. You need to be taking care of yourself right now, not catering to the whims of a neighbor. The loss of a parent is a major transition in life, come right out and tell your neighbor you need to heal yourself.

Good luck.

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more. As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

OP, do not feel guilty; you are doing more than many would and she is not your BFF. Call her when you want to, don't feel pushed (by her or anyone else) to do more. She is desperately clinging to "the outside" now, but that will hopefully pass and she will "need" you less.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

YorkieonmyPillow · ‎01-13-2013

I see no reason why you should feel obligated to visit her more than you can handle.

You call often and email.

It's not like you don't care.

I would go visit as often as I could without feeling sad and distraught. You have no reason to feel guilty.

Sometimes people just don't know when to stop.

Lacey1 · ‎03-09-2010

@Moonchilde wrote:
I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more. As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

Wow. The 'Process'? 'Accept?' Slip into the community? I sure hope you never find yourself living in a nursing home, waiting for the phone to ring, or a weekly visit. Trust me, it's bad enough knowing that none of your family wanted to take you in, but to have to get used to infrequent visits-that's just brutal.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@Lacey1 wrote:
@Moonchilde wrote:
I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more. As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

Wow. The 'Process'? 'Accept?' Slip into the community? I sure hope you never find yourself living in a nursing home, waiting for the phone to ring, or a weekly visit. Trust me, it's bad enough knowing that none of your family wanted to take you in, but to have to get used to infrequent visits-that's just brutal.

*****************************

The OP is her neighbor, not her friend. The woman is pushy and demanding. The OP is dealing with the recent death of her father.

The OP needs to take care of herself. There is no reason she needs to be around someone who makes her feel bad.

ROMARY · ‎04-28-2010

Knowing myself, and as unpopular of a viewpoint it is, I'd visit her once a week, for an hour. (If it's a nearby assisted living home/facility). I'd just make it a point to go, chat an hour, and hopefully the neighbor will have a friendly visitor once a week. Someone to look forward to seeing. Also, I like the idea of volunteers visiting. Sometimes they bring service dogs to cheer the residents. JMO.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

It sounds to me that you are doing what you can right now. Emailing and calling her several times a week is thoughtful. Especially for someone you aren't all that fond of. If she was pushy then she will probably be more pushy now so kind of expect it. These things seem to get worse with age.

I know, for a small fee, you can go to her dining hall and eat lunch with her. That might be a good thing to do and the table will be filled with other women. We got to know some of my MIL's tablemates that way and having new people at the table is something they all would really enjoy and we did too!!!! You may even make some friends that way. You are already reaching out to her and you are the only one who can answer the question....are you doing it strictly because you just think you should or you truely want to help. Feeling like you "have to" is not the same as "wanting to". To me that only serves to create resentment.