Among Friends

[NicksmomESQ]

.   When my dad was ill many years ago mom took excellent care of him & I provided the backup.When mom became ill my DH & I were her caregivers.It was very stressful because we lived an hour away from her.My son was also little at the time.We tried to get her to move in with us but she refused to.She did agree to come out for a few weeks at a time on occasion to receive radiation treatments.

     I have an older sibling who could not have cared less! Always had excuses & never once offered to help!! That seems to happen a lot.One sibling steps up to do the right thing!!

   I have absolutely no regrets having cared for mom.She was an awesome loving mother.She would move heaven & earth for her children & grandchildren. I can't fault her for not wanting to move in with me.She wanted to be in her own home surrounded by her memories.

   I miss mom everyday.I would have lovingly care for her forever!!!

[Jayhawk Girl]

I certainly don't want to give the idea that I think taking care of Mom is a burden, it's just that I don't know what I'm doing.  So much of this is new to me.....the POA, changing the bank accounts to be in my name....and so on.  I take for granted that I know what I'm doing at work and at home. 

I am putting together a notebook with tabs regarding the different subjects... money, care facility, doctors, medcines.  And, yes, @Big Sister, one day at a time.

[VaBelle35]

re resentment

We are dealing with this in my family now.  My uncle took care of his parents his entire life.  He was not married and didn't have children.  He worked full time and cared for his parents.  My mother was married and had children and lived about 90 minutes away, did what she could but not nearly as much as he did.

My uncle is now 87 and my mother is 83.  My uncle thinks my mother should care for him like he cared for his parents.  I've tried to explain to him that he was 40 years younger than his mother, not 4.  While my mother is in good overall health, she has joint problems and arthritis in her back.  If he falls, she cannot lift him.  He's like twice her size in height (she's 4'11" he's in the 6's).  

Plus, dear Lord, they fight like 5 year olds who can't share a toy and then they sulk and call me and my sibblings to complain about the other.  My sister said it's like having young children all over again.  LOL 

[Puzzle Piece]

We buried my late FIL last May.  Thankfully.  He died a furious, angry, bitter man.  Before he left this life, life paid him back in spades for his nastiness.  It was hard for us to take care of him.  He was a racist, rude, insulting, judgmental, criticising, stingy man  Enjoyed seeing people suffer.  Cheated on his wife numerous times.  A top Warner Brothers executive who got thrills from firing people for petty reasons.  He was also a liar and extremely prideful. 

Yes, it was hard to care for him - he made us Power of Attorney over him though we were not asked or wanted the job.  Another one of his spiteful acts.  He could not have died soon enough. 

[jubilant]

@Puzzle Piece

Oh my.  I hope he was in a nursing home. I could not live with someone so abusive.....especially since it seems he was always this way.    

[Puzzle Piece]

@jubilant No. He had ordered all to let him die at home among his posessions.  He was nasty to the caretakers and fired several just for the heck of it.  We were driving 75 miles to his place and back every other day and sometimes every day and he enjoyed the fact that we were inconvenienced.  He died in hospice care at his home all without family because he was such a nasty man. 

[Sooner]

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@Vivian Florimond wrote:

Those who live close to elderly parents are fortunate. I live hundreds of miles from my soon-to-be 95-year-old mother. She wants to stay in her home and, after another health scare, finally agreed to a 24/7 caregiver. I work out every morning and, as soon as I arrive home, I check my voicemail for fear there may be yet another emergency. My brother lives near my mother but commutes to work every day and is just not available to help, in part because he doesn't want to. So, I am it. My husband has mild cognitive impairment, my children live far away, and the stress is tough to handle. I've learned to take life a day at a time.

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I am so sorry for your situation.  And I am nowhere near what you are dealing with, but I understand well that there is no glory in doing this.  For me it is often a difficult, demanding, demeaning, and lonely thing to do. It grinds me down, and when I resent having to do it or want to scream I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO sometimes I feel ashamed and ungreatful.  I worry constantly is there enough money for how long this person will live, will she be able to stay in this facility, what if something happens to me, what about when I have issues too, and a million other things.  I spend hours and hours on the phone dealing with medical and financial issues.

Bless your heart!  It ain't easy!  But lots and lots of us are doing it with you, wish you well and hold all of us in our prayers.

[Q4u]

At no other time in history is having a "health advocate" fight for you more important than it is now.  And yes, I've been though it with both parents at the age of 45 at a time when "Skilled Nursing" at convalescent centers were not what I'm hoping they are now. 

This was in California and I even went to CANHR (California Advocates for Nursing  Home Reform) because it was THAT bad at the time, and their information was invaluable.

I didn't know what I was doing when I started but believe me.... you learn quickly.... 

[Q4u]

Regarding the stress....  the most stressful thing I've ever done.  Both my parents were dying at the same time.  I am an only child.  I have my DH and two sons and that's all the relatives I have in this country.  I learned to say "for today, things are ok".... even down to "for this hour, things are ok".... it got me through it....  

[jubilant]

One other thing I felt it was important to note. If you find it necessary to put  parent in a nursing home, I think it is very important to check on them and be there for them. Decorate their rooms, go to programs the home offers as often as you can. Keep traditions up. Celebrate holidays and special occassions with them. Take in some of their favorite foods.  These are things you would still be doing if they were at home.  Keep in touch with their doctor.

If they like certain movies but don't leave their rooms much anymore, get a dvd player and watch movies with them.  I also take our lap top in.  Dad loves that.  He has watched some of the youtube funny ones you ladies have posted here.

 One roommate of my dad's (who is gone now) had a big computer and played Solitaire often. He really kept himself quite entertained. He was wheel chair bound.  It has inspired me to keep up with my computer as long as I can. I see future nursing homes full of computers with little old ladies and gents going around the world on them and still chatting on forums!!  Not everyone is well enough to do everything....but as long as they can...it is great to keep them using their minds.  We put a big magic marker circle on his calendar to mark the next day someone will be there.  It gives him something to look forward to since he is mostly confined to his room now. We also have a tiny refrigerator in his room and an big magnetic eraser board  reminding him and the aides what goodies are waiting for him from home.  These are just a few ideas I'm sure many of you already know. There may be some of you new to this so I just thought I would throw a few ideas out there. 

It saddens me deeply to see all the people at the nursing home  that I have never seen have one visitor.  We still see Dad as our responsibility even though he is in a nursing home. Of course, we do most of what we do out of love for a father and husband that took care of us. We have never doubted his love for us for one minute. I laid my head on top of his head the other day.  He looked so feeble. I said to him...."Your still my big strong daddy"....he looked at me with a sheepish grin, he stuck his chest out (just to make it a little bigger) and said..."Yes, I am"!  It was so sweet. Dad and I have the same sense of humor so we kind of really understand each other. I said goodbye and walked towards the door. His eyes followed me all the way out. I always turn around at the door for one last look as I am aware each time could be the last time.  I can tell he is thinking the same thing.