To all of those out there dealing with elderly par... - Page 5

ANewHue · ‎11-21-2011

@LonestarBabs wrote:
No, it is not the joyous and special time so many people say it is/should be. I am the primary caregiver for my 90 year old mother. I won't go into the details of my story but I will say that although this may sound harsh, it will be a sweet relief when it is over. I hope there will be shred of me left at the time.

For those who have sweet times with a sweet caree and view the experience as an especially rewarding and enriching time for you both -- good for you.

I completely understand what you are saying because I'm living it as well. It just keeps getting worse and worse. My mother was always a manipulative person and now that she made it past 90 she thinks the world owes her a living. It's a horrible way to live and have to deal with every day.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

I am curious as to why those who have such a difficult and/or very ill parent are not considering a nursing home? If it's due to funds, Medicaid will pay. Just wanted to mention this in case you didn't know.

I edited this to add that my mom and dad had to sell their home and go into government subsidized apartment due to so many medical bills they weren't getting help with....this was years ago. Yes, they did have insurance. They lived on a very low income but finally paid off all the bills. They refused to file bankruptcy. They had been living at a low income level and somehow (it took years) managed to get all their bills paid. When dad went into the nursing home we had to find one that took Medicaid. He is treated the same as the Medicare patients.

When you look into a nursing home.... only look for those that take Medicaid patients (some don't). Look up the government ratings, ask people you know, and check out the home randomly when no one knows you are coming. We have one close to home that rates almost as high as you can get and it's only $4.00 a month more than those rated much lower. I look for the 4 star or above rating. They are out there! The patients in these homes are all treated the same no matter what their income was or is.

VaBelle35 · ‎03-10-2010

From what I hear from my friends who have their parents in a medicare/medicaid nursing home, it is not ideal, there is still a certain amount of hands on work that you have to do. I know my one friend says that she and her sister take turns doing her mother's laundry because the home is always losing or ruining her mother's stuff.

My uncle, mercifully, has his first penny, and was moved (unwillingly) to an assisted living "resort," sort of like a cruise ship on land. LOL It is very nice, he has a very nice one bedroom apartment, but is highly supervised for his medications and they schedule his supervised showers twice a week.

While he is of sound mind now (just had another evaluation a few weeks ago), he was not after his serious fall and serious concussion. We have all been trying to get him to move from his house because he can't take care of the house anymore and he keeps having falls and scares. This was "the big one." While he was in and out of it at the hospital, my mother moved in for the kill and had him sign a POA and then moved him to assisted living after rehab. At the time he was moved in March he was still using a walker to get around.

He went kicking and screaming, he is still going through all the stages of grief. As a college educated medical professional, he's still got it. The bargaining phase was glorious. He literally stayed up all night thinking of strategies to get out of there and would call each of us with his escape plan.

I know that he wasn't really living at home. His eyesight is going, he can barely drive during the day. He's had several minor accidents. Luckily he didn't have to go far to the doctor, the pharmacy and the grocery store. He has one semi-functioning kidney, so his medication and BP have to be monitored constantly.

He never would have left on his own. Any my mother is only a few years younger than he is and simply cannot take care of him. Plus, they are like oil and water, plus my mother's husband is a PITA and they don't get along. Living with them would last about 4 hours before the first war broke out over leaving a light on in the bathroom or something.

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QVC Shopper - 1993

# IAMTEAMWEN

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

@VaBelle35 wrote:
From what I hear from my friends who have their parents in a medicare/medicaid nursing home, it is not ideal, there is still a certain amount of hands on work that you have to do. I know my one friend says that she and her sister take turns doing her mother's laundry because the home is always losing or ruining her mother's stuff.

My uncle, mercifully, has his first penny, and was moved (unwillingly) to an assisted living "resort," sort of like a cruise ship on land. LOL It is very nice, he has a very nice one bedroom apartment, but is highly supervised for his medications and they schedule his supervised showers twice a week.

While he is of sound mind now (just had another evaluation a few weeks ago), he was not after his serious fall and serious concussion. We have all been trying to get him to move from his house because he can't take care of the house anymore and he keeps having falls and scares. This was "the big one." While he was in and out of it at the hospital, my mother moved in for the kill and had him sign a POA and then moved him to assisted living after rehab. At the time he was moved in March he was still using a walker to get around.

He went kicking and screaming, he is still going through all the stages of grief. As a college educated medical professional, he's still got it. The bargaining phase was glorious. He literally stayed up all night thinking of strategies to get out of there and would call each of us with his escape plan.

I know that he wasn't really living at home. His eyesight is going, he can barely drive during the day. He's had several minor accidents. Luckily he didn't have to go far to the doctor, the pharmacy and the grocery store. He has one semi-functioning kidney, so his medication and BP have to be monitored constantly
He never would have left on his own. Any my mother is only a few years younger than he is and simply cannot take care of him. Plus, they are like oil and water, plus my mother's husband is a PITA and they don't get along. Living with them would last about 4 hours before the first war broke out over leaving a light on in the bathroom or something.

************ I am glad you mentioned this. It is true that no matter what Nursing Facility your parent or family is in one has to keep tabs on them. That is why we pop in frequently. Mom took Dad's wash home for awhile. It took us a few ruined items to learn what to buy and what not to buy. You are right when you say there is still a certain amount of hands on you still have to contend with. Still, for us, and for my Mom, all of this has been worth it. Dad had gotten to the point where he was totally uncooperative. Physically, in his bent over fragile condition, none of us could handle him properly. With the right medications (which he could no longer flush down the toilet!) his memory improved greatly and he became more like his old self. He was also treated for depression and became much less grumpy and more cooperative. I know it may not be for everyone, but the nursing home was the answer for us. Personally if I had a cantankerous manipulative relative who had been this way all their lives... I would not feel obligated to have them in my home and destroy my husbands and my peace. No one gets to do that.....relative or not.

Bibione · ‎03-12-2010

My 87 year old mom has dementia.She refuses to go to a nursing home.Right now I hired a full time housekeeper.

I hated to put her in a home because my dad said he wanted to die in his house.The housekeeper we had at that time called the dr who sent him to the hospital.Dad died that same night alone.

I will spend over 3 months with my mom back in Italy over the summer.I will apply for a nursing home,but there is a waiting list and it might take months.

I accepted months ago when she got worse that she is not the mother I used to have.Thankfully my 2 daughters are 18 and 22 so I can leave them home alone with my husband.

Recently she woke up happy telling the housekeeper the pope was going to help her die.Until last summer when her mind was better, she used to say she wanted to live to be 100 years old.

When my dad was at the end (I didn't know it at the time) I asked him if he wanted me to go back to Italy.He told me to stay here and take care of my family and I would go there in June like I have been doing for 20 years.He died in January.

meglet · ‎03-10-2010

Answering the question of why a person doesn't just put a parent in a nursing home - I'm kind of a "vintage" gal and my family history was that family took care of parents at home. I grew up with my grandmother who lived with us until 3 months before she died.

I tried taking care of both parents at home and working full time. Dad was home with some dementia until a broken hip landed him in the hospital, then rehab, then he went to be with God. While he was dying, my mother fell and broke her hip. She came home to be with me and a daytime caregiver until I ended up in the hospital from the stress and anxiety of trying to "do it all."

With my mom at home, I felt responsible for giving her some kind of a social life as well as taking care of her basic daily needs and it just wasn't possible. Last May she went to live at the nursing home in which she did her rehab for her hip. She is a completely different person - happier, has activities to look forward to, an actual pleasure to be with. If you too are an only child full time worker and near full time caregiver, I think a nursing home might be something to check in to. It had gotten to a point where truly only one of us was going to survive it.

And if you'r e in the middle of the caregiving situation, know that it will probably take you as many years to fully recover as the number of years that you were the caregiver.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

@Bibione

So sorry about your Dad. It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can. Circumstances can change so quickly with the elderly.

Bibione · ‎03-12-2010

Thank you.My parents did everything they could to take care of me, so I would do anything for them.Also I always felt guilty for moving to the States 23 years ago to be with my husband.I went back every summer but I know I caused my parents a lot of pain.It is a relief to read that other posters here have similar problems dealing with elderly parents.

VaBelle35 · ‎03-10-2010

The "nursing home" issue in my family stems from my grandmother. When she was in the 5th grade, her mother developed dementia. She dropped out of school to take care of the 7 younger children along with her older sister. Eventually they had to put their mother in a home of some sort. It's not clear what it was, this would have been in the early 1900s as my grandmother married in 1928.

Whatever place they put her mother in rocked her to her core and she begged my mother and uncle to never put her in a home and to promise to never put her in a home. Her older sister eventually developed dementia/ or alzheimers and was put in a home, but she was quite well off and was put in a very nice place. My grandmother visited her often until she was not longer knew anyone and we no longer responsive. So even though she saw how nice the homes were now, she still didn't want to be put in one. Luckily she never developed dementia or alzheimers.

My uncle took care of her and eventually she fell down the stairs and never regained consciousness. She was 86. Who is to say if she had been in a home if she would have lived longer. But this was her wish.

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QVC Shopper - 1993

# IAMTEAMWEN

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@hoosieroriginal

I haven't read the replies here, but I did want to thank you for posting this. I have a belief that I think many people do NOT share, but I believe that if you parents gave you a decent life, you owe them in their old (or sick) age. It is what we are supposed to do, to give back and take care of the ones that did the same for us when we were not able to do for ourselves.

Many people have told me this is very wrong, and that children owe their parents nothing (except maybe some respect). But I know I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't there for my mom now that she is elderly and needing more help with things.

There are always those who come to these boards and share about the horrid childhood they had at the hands of some pretty bad parent(s), and I'm not talking about those situations. But if your parents provided a decent home, food, healthcare, education, love, attention, and most of all values, I don't see how anyone can deny helping in any way they are able, when that parent ends up needing you.

And it is indeed stressful. Sometimes jobs have to be set aside, sometimes your kids and husband have to take a backseat on occasion, sometimes you are exhausted, and even frustrated with the situation or the parent, but it is what people with good character choose to do.