Among Friends

[jubilant]

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@Mominohio wrote:

@hoosieroriginal

I haven't read the replies here, but I did want to thank you for posting this. I have a belief that I think many people do NOT share, but I believe that if you parents gave you a decent life, you owe them in their old (or sick) age. It is what we are supposed to do, to give back and take care of the ones that did the same for us when we were not able to do for ourselves.

Many people have told me this is very wrong, and that children owe their parents nothing (except maybe some respect). But I know I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't there for my mom now that she is elderly and needing more help with things. 

There are always those who come to these boards and share about the horrid childhood they had at the hands of some pretty bad parent(s), and I'm not talking about those situations. But if your parents provided a decent home, food, healthcare, education, love, attention, and most of all values, I don't see how anyone can deny helping in any way they are able, when that parent ends up needing you. 

And it is indeed stressful. Sometimes jobs have to be set aside, sometimes your kids and husband have to take a backseat on occasion, sometimes you are exhausted, and even frustrated with the situation or the parent, but it is what people with good character choose to do. 

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*********  My grandparents on both sides were not put in nursing homes.  Even my 90 yr. old great mother only went to a nursing home for rehab and Grandma brought her home again when she was walking again.  Grandma's husband (my grandfather of course) was also semi invalid but neither of them had dementia .  Grandma took care of two semi invalids for years.  When Grandma was alone, I helped her out a lot till she died so she died at home.  Next was my MIL who went into assisted living.  We faithfully took her out to eat until she could no longer go and faithfully visited her.  Dad's last 6 yrs. at home were very difficult.  Mom still wouldn't put him in a home.  Finally we could see that if we didn't do something....Mom wouldn't be here for very long.  It was so difficult to have to choose between what was best for mom and what was best for Dad.  It was like choosing between the two of them.  I think for a long time we felt quilty.

 We have been told by the Nursing Home that no family is there more than we are and they love seeing that.  That eases our guilt somewhat. Mom is still in her apartment and we hope to have her there till she dies. Sometimes you have to choose "the lesser of two evils" (so to speak) in life. These are some of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.   Because mom doesn't drive we also have to get her to all her doctor appointments, grocery store, etc.  Thankfully my sister lives directly across the street and I live only 5 minutes away.  She has been sick of late.  Now, DH is facing 7-9 weeks of radiation.  There's only so much a person can do.  There are people who need us besides our parents and you have to try to balance that out and hang loose......I am getting there.....slowly but surely.  It's a learning process for sure!

Both my parents are understanding of the fact that when DH is ill..... it's only right that he comes first.  At 88 and 89 they feel they have lived long full lives and they see that their childen (who are all three over 65) have health issues of their own now as may their spouses .  I thank God that  they take that attitude.  

[CalminHeart]

I'm also taking care of my parents.  Mom is on home hospice care.  Dad has declined a lot this year.  One of my sisters is disabled and lives with them.  They all require a lot more help than in previous years.   I love helping them!  I retired last summer and haven't looked back.  I work parttime at a grocery store customer service and help my parents and sister.  I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything.  I'm a very lucky person!

[Lindsays Grandma]

Bless you Vivian Florimond...I am an elderly parent who suffers severe chronic pain but can still take care of myself.  Thank God for that.  You on the other hand are the only one who cares for your mother and considering you have no one to help you God Bless you.  You can hold your head up knowing you are a good person, stay strong.

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@Vivian Florimond wrote:

Those who live close to elderly parents are fortunate. I live hundreds of miles from my soon-to-be 95-year-old mother. She wants to stay in her home and, after another health scare, finally agreed to a 24/7 caregiver. I work out every morning and, as soon as I arrive home, I check my voicemail for fear there may be yet another emergency. My brother lives near my mother but commutes to work every day and is just not available to help, in part because he doesn't want to. So, I am it. My husband has mild cognitive impairment, my children live far away, and the stress is tough to handle. I've learned to take life a day at a time.

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[RedTop]

@hoosieroriginal,

In everything I do for my mother, I strive to be the blessing to her that she is, and always has been to me.   As my mom slips deeper into the land of mental confusion, and requires more and more from me and my brothers, I sometimes question whether I'm still such a blessing.   

Mom is blessed to have 3 of us to help her, and I am blessed to have brothers who are ALWAYS ready and willing to help our mother.   As the only daughter, certain things with moms care have fallen to me, but I have never once felt that I am the only child helping with moms needs.   Mom and I have always been very straightforward with each other, and I know she wants it that way from me, but I also know she feels sheltered and protected with the boys, because they pretty much take care of her and the many things she messes up, without saying anything to her.  

There are days when I have to break my explanations down in the simplest of words, or repeat myself a dozen times to get mom to understand what she needs to do.  I feel bad if she sees my frustration, or hears the change in my tone.   I walk away shaking my head a lot, find myself emotionally spent, ready to scream or pull my hair out, and at times even shed a few tears.   Every week is a new crisis, and I spend a lot of time trying to straighten out something she tried to take care of.  

The boys and I do weekly assessments, and compare our opinions thru texts, to make sure mom is still safe, and capable of continuing to live alone.   Our Plan B is in place.   

[Evie2004]

I guess, depending on individual opinion, my husband & I are "elderly" we are both 70, & aside from normal aches & pains @ this age, we don't feel elderly, yet! 

We do have 2 sons, with their own families, who live 2 hrs & 4 hrs away..& we are trying to get everything in order, to make it as easy as possible for when the time comes that 1 or both of us need help with care..we are trying our best to keep our home updated, have all legal papers, living wills, finances, etc..organized (we go over this with them a few times a year, in person), final arrangements are known to them & arranged..I know things can happen @ anytime that are beyond our control, but we are trying our best to plan. My parents never planned a day ahead in their lives & guess that is part of our motivation. 

[jeanlake]

I agree family comes first and helping one another is time well spent. I hope I'm not difficult for my children. It's a goal of mine not to be difficult.

Similar inlaw experiences as Blackhole shared. My last parent passed 24 years ago. Lost my first parent at age 12. Husband's parents in their 80s and they insist on living in their home, although they can no longer take care of it. They're lonely, but won't sell their home and live in a more social environment. We live close to them and my working husband checks on them each day -- but they're demanding. His brother lives 300 miles away but his children are young. Sister and parents are alienated decades ago because of the dad's cruel ways and her childhood nightmares. And I don't judge my sis-in-law over her decision. Just this past weekend, inlaws insisted on replacing ceiling fans, which worked just fine. That meant trips to purchase and time with husband to change out fans. I told my husband they manufacture ways to spend time with him, but he's not accepting this quite yet. Everyone else knows it's true. I'm not going to say anything else to husband about it. I just wish my inlaws thought of others as much as they think of themselves. They aren't leaving a positive legacy.        

[tashy]

I went through this with my father and I totally agree.I think people thought  I was going to fall apart,but I felt relief  for him,he's not suffering any more and he had a great life.