Among Friends

[misscecille]

I'm so sorry about your father's passing.  I've been through it and it's a very trying time.  My only question is why was your sister in law reading the will?  In my opinion it's none of her business!  

Send the death certificates but try to only communicate only with your brother.  Sister in law needs to butt out.

[pigletsmom]

---

@Drythe wrote:

@hyacinth003 

As others have said, why would he want a copy of the death certificate?  I would CALL your brother and ask HIM.  IF he doesn’t give you a good reason, I would give him the name and address of the Funeral home and let him follow up on getting one.

I would also contact the insurance company and reaffirm with them that YOU are their contact, and that ALL conversations and  dispursments

should come to YOU ONLY.  

You have been been given some good advice, example post #37 as to what you need to do with the items in the nursing home, etc.

Finally, I want to say, your Father Trusted you to manage this.  So, He Respected YOUR judgement, and knew you would handle his estate Fairly.  That means just that, Not that you need to take directions from your SIL via email, or follow up on her pressures.  By handing in the keys, ignoring you at the Mass, planning it without you, etc. I think your SIL has given you a clear indication of her feelings, towards you, whether you understand them or not.  Personally, I would ignore her requests, and proceed with the management and execution of your Fathers estate as you see fit.

 I would send an email to her and your brother stating a firm request that in FUTURE you to be contacted directly by him only via telephone.  That way you will know requests are really his, not made by her with, or without his consent. If he doesn’t care enough to call you, then there is your answer, use your judgement.  Your Father trusted you, and choose you, that means he knew you would know what was right and use your own good judgement.

I really think your Father’s  intention was that your Judgement is correct, and that you should follow your own instincts...

period.  

The life insurance isn't part of the estate so she can't tell them to send her the money. Normally one person sends in the certificate and then all parties are notified the claim has been filed. Then they said the check normally within 30 days.

[VaBelle35]

In my recent experience being 1/4 beneficiary of every type of financial instrument on the planet, every beneficiary gets the same packet of information with pre-printed forms.  My mother, as executor had additional forms to fill out.  So she had to fill out the executor forms and provide the  certified copy of the death certificate plus her form had to have the medallian notarization.  Then she had to fill out her forms as beneficiary.

My brother, sister and I didn't have to provide the death certificate, even though it said so in the instructions.

Furthermore, the institution will not disburse the funds until all the forms from all parties are received and in good order.  THEN they cut the checks.

So it doesn't matter who mails what when, it won't be acted on until the insurance company has everything in front of them to process.

[september]

@pigletsmom  Is right.  Life insurance isn’t part of the estate, so the role of executor doesn’t apply in this case.  Each beneficiary has to fill out paperwork in order to get his/her portion.  

When my husband passed away, I gave all the info and copies of the death certificate to my stepchildren as soon as I got those certificates.  

I dont understand the comments about withholding them, or making family members wait.  That all sounds so childish and passive/aggressive to me.  

[VaBelle35]

But, my advice to you is just send her however many certified copies you think she will need based on the number of instruments involved.

She can do what she wants with them and it's one less thing they will keep asking you for and minimize your contact.

Just worry about what you have to do as executor and beneficiary and don't worry about their part.  They can call the institution or the lawyer with questions.  That's what I did when I had a question about something.  I didn't bother my mother.  And all of these institutions have death beneficiary departments with people who know the ins and outs of this stuff.

[pigletsmom]

Honeslty this certificate should have been in the mail before this post was even written. Just throw one in the mail and be done. He's allowed to work on whatever timeline he wants to just like you. And if you didn't thnk to get extras then call the funeral home or tell him to. Who cares if his wife told him to call? She probably handles this stuff in their family. My father wouldn't be doing any of this stuff. My mother does it all.

After it's mailed just do your job and keep receipts and be done with them. It's clear you've never liked her. I'm sure she's been well aware for many years that you don't consider her "real" family. Stop stressing out about it. Enjoy that soon enough she'll be history and in the meantime don't answer the phone.

[house_cat]

The last four years of my parents' lives, I did everything. My brother lives in NY and I'm in California.  When they died, I took care of everything. There were times when I felt a little resentful that all the responsibility fell on me, but in the end the fact is that I lost my mom and dad - the last thing I'd want to do is lose my brother, too.

[meem120]

If you are the executor why do they need a copy of the death certificate?

[Sooner]

---

@meem120 wrote:

If you are the executor why do they need a copy of the death certificate?

---

All heirs and children need copies of their parents' death certificates.  You never know when you or your children might need one.  It is simply a document the primary surviviors need to have.  

And if the brother is letting his wife take charge, that's between them and them.  If he is unhappy with her actions, that's on him to sort out.  Just do what you have to do and go forward. 

[NYC Susan]

---

@hyacinth003 wrote:

---

@september wrote:

Tell you not to....what?

you don’t want to give your brother a copy of the death certificate?

if that’s it, I don’t see what the issue is.  Have recently been through the deaths of both my husband and my dad, and these documents were given to relevant family members, no questions asked 

---

@september 

No, I will give him a copy or copies of the death certificate.  I believe it is my obligation to do so.

I meant I have complied with every one of their requests promptly.  I went along with the date only they arranged for the Mass, even though I would have wanted to do it later.  They never asked me and just scheduled it so wife could make a flight already scheduled to Florida the day after the Mass.  It was extremely difficult for me to arrange everything under that time pressure (cremation, personalized urn, etc.) They picked out Mass cards without consulting me and then she screamed at me to go pick them up after learning I was executor.  I didn't even know where they purchased them.  She ignored me and my family at all events.  I asked my brother for his input on the services, picking out the urn, choosing flowers, his choice of room contents, etc.  I was just told "do what you want."

I just meant that she is now in a hurry to collect the life insurance and must have a certified death certificate.  She does all the business in the marriage.  So I know she must have told him to email me and ask for copies.  I could do it really quickly or more slowly.  I guess I am sometimes tired of being a punching bag and still being nice.

Hyacinth

---

I understand being tempted to do it slowly.  You don't want to jump at her command.  She treats you horribly, and you don't want to go out of your way to be acccommodating.  I totally get it.

But my advice is to do it quickly.  Do whatever needs to be done as quickly and as efficiently as possible.  Not for her.  Not for your brother.  But for YOU.  Having all of this hanging over your head is not good for you.  Do it for your own sake.  

You are dealing with too much drama at a time that's already so difficult for you.  Shame on them!  I wish you the peace that you deserve.