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09-18-2019 03:08 AM
@meem120 wrote:If you are the executor why do they need a copy of the death certificate?
Since we are beneficiaries, agencies can require death certificates from anyone they are required to pay funds to. Some will accept copies, others will require official, certified, copies. I will provide them.
Hyacinth
09-18-2019 03:10 AM
@BeccaLou wrote:@hyacinth003 Please move on from the craziness of wanting to be the Executor. It is totally a very nervewracking job. And fighting with family about it is surely something that would be something your Mother I am sure would not want. Move on for your health .It is so not worth wanting all the complications.My Prayers are with you and your family.Stay a family that is something is needed for peace.
She IS the executor. Her SIL is unwilling to accept that, and that's why there are problems now. The OP isn't fighting anyone in an effort to be executor. Her father named her executor, and she is simply trying to carry on in that capacity.
09-18-2019 03:13 AM - edited 09-18-2019 03:14 AM
@house_cat wrote:The last four years of my parents' lives, I did everything. My brother lives in NY and I'm in California. When they died, I took care of everything. There were times when I felt a little resentful that all the responsibility fell on me, but in the end the fact is that I lost my mom and dad - the last thing I'd want to do is lose my brother, too.
I don't want to lose my brother. If it happens, it will be on his choice. I am doing everything in my power not to. My husband and daughter tell me they don't care, but I have had him in my life since I was 3 years old! So many memories only we share now. I have been super polite, asked his opinion on everything possible, and done nothing to alienate him. I haven't spoken to his wife as she is ignoring me.
Hyacinth
09-18-2019 03:20 AM
@Group 5 minus 1 wrote:Just take care of business and stop complaining. If you don't know what to do just ask the attorney.
Stop complaining? She's sharing the details of an extremely difficult time she's going through. Her father just passed away, and she has to contend with all this craziness and insensitivity instead of being allowed to grieve and instead of feeling supported by her own family. It seems to me that she's entitled to vent here.
09-18-2019 03:24 AM
@mom2four0418 wrote:
@esmerelda wrote:
@hyacinth003 wrote:I have made 2 posts about my dad's passing and the way my sister-in-law (only brother's wife) has treated me. First she screamed at me when informed I was sole executor of his trust and will. She had read the will and misinterpreted it as my brother (her husband) was a co-executor. Then at the Mass and luncheon afterward, she totally ignored me, my husband, and my daughter. Totally ignored all of us - others did notice. I sent my nephew (their son) a birthday card and check as a gift. I have not been thanked nor has the check been cashed - not cashing check VERY unusual.
I learned she and my brother turned in their keys to my dad's room at the assisted living center. The lady there called me and said they told her they were never coming back and his things were now my responsibility only. The room is still full of furniture, and my brother had told me he would help after getting back from Florida. So, now I don't know what the truth is - he will help and not tell her, or he actually will not help. He is a half beneficiary, so he is entitled to half of everything.
I have been working very hard at executor duties. I notified my dad's company of a life insurance claim. My brother and I each get half. I received my letter today requiring a copy of his death certificate. I have them as executor. I also received an email from my brother in Florida today asking for copies of the death certificate. No doubt his wife received a similar letter today also.
My inner devil says slow walk any requests, my inner angel says don't be petty. After being completely ignored for what I believe is totally unreasonable, I don't want to acommodate her in any way. I will do it, but take my time. I have been wondering now if my brother will dump me (due to his wife) after our dad's estate is settled.
I want to do right by my dad, but the insults have just kept coming. At what point is enough, enough?
Hyacinth
@hyacinth003 Why does your brother need a copy of the death certificate? For the insurance company? Wouldn’t one sent by you since you are also a beneficiary be sufficient for both of you? And why in the world would his wife get the same letter?
Let your brother know when you plan to go to assisted living to get your dad’s things and remind him that he is entitled to half of it. And let HIM tell you that he doesn’t want it. Let him know when it all has to be removed. If he doesn’t come to get what he wants, that’s on him.
As far as your nephew and the birthday check is concerned, how old is he? Whatever, don’t worry too much about him not cashing it. Deduct it from your account like you always do and eventually the check will expire and that’s the end of that.
Be the grownup here. Don’t let your SIL push your buttons The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can put it all behind you.
You certainly have a bad time with wills after family deaths. I remember a saga sometime ago when your husband was involved with his brothers over I think it was their dad’s will.
eta...I would be pretty tight fisted with those death certificate copies too. I would want to know how they are going to be used before I handed them out.
In my experience, funeral homes provide the family with death certificates. They are public documents, and can be obtained by anyone.
And this was her brother's father. He's entitled to a copy of the death certificate. It's completely inappropriate for her to be "tight-fisted" with it or to ask how he's going to use it.
09-18-2019 03:35 AM
@NYC Susan wrote:
@BeccaLou wrote:@hyacinth003 Please move on from the craziness of wanting to be the Executor. It is totally a very nervewracking job. And fighting with family about it is surely something that would be something your Mother I am sure would not want. Move on for your health .It is so not worth wanting all the complications.My Prayers are with you and your family.Stay a family that is something is needed for peace.
She IS the executor. Her SIL is unwilling to accept that, and that's why there are problems now. The OP isn't fighting anyone in an effort to be executor. Her father named her executor, and she is simply trying to carry on in that capacity.
This is absolutely true. My father had my brother and I meet him at his attorney's office several months after my mother passed away. He told us he had updated his Trust and Will. He and his attorney informed us that I was the executor and trustee of his estate. And all documents reflect that.
Again, sister-in-law has a copy of the Will and Trust. She made the assumption, and TOLD ME that my father changed his will to add my brother as a co-executor. I asked her WHEN this was done, as I was never made aware of this. My dad had told me several times over the years that I was the only executor. I NEVER asked him, he would bring it up. My brother would even refer to it.
Since what she said was different than what I had been told, I called my dad's attorney (who drew up the Will) to clarify this after my dad passed away. I am no lawyer, and wanted to know how to proceed with my FATHER's WISHES. The lawyer told me there was no other Will or Trust, and the one in our meeting was still the only one and IN EFFECT. He stated that I was SOLE executor and trustee of my dad's estate.
The net effect is sister-in-law is furious that my brother is NOT a co-executor. The day of his passing she went and gave away his clothes, scheduled a Mass, and purchased Mass cards. This was even on a holiday, Labor Day. Even IF my brother were co-executor, they shouldn't have done that without checking with me. We are equal beneficiaries, and those actions would have been shared by a co-executor anyway. I have said NOTHING and went along with the scheduled Mass and their choice of cards.without comment or complaint.
So thank you, NYC Susan, for understanding the situation. I AM the sole executor, not just trying to be. I am only trying to honor my father's trust in me, not fight, and be utterly polite. I have kept my brother informed of what I have done to secure his portion of the life insurance and other accounts that are part of the estate. I have the work, he will get his money. I haven't ignored others in public or screamed at anyone. Only his wife has.
Hyacinth
09-18-2019 03:41 AM
@NYC Susan wrote:
@mom2four0418 wrote:
@esmerelda wrote:
@hyacinth003 wrote:I have made 2 posts about my dad's passing and the way my sister-in-law (only brother's wife) has treated me. First she screamed at me when informed I was sole executor of his trust and will. She had read the will and misinterpreted it as my brother (her husband) was a co-executor. Then at the Mass and luncheon afterward, she totally ignored me, my husband, and my daughter. Totally ignored all of us - others did notice. I sent my nephew (their son) a birthday card and check as a gift. I have not been thanked nor has the check been cashed - not cashing check VERY unusual.
I learned she and my brother turned in their keys to my dad's room at the assisted living center. The lady there called me and said they told her they were never coming back and his things were now my responsibility only. The room is still full of furniture, and my brother had told me he would help after getting back from Florida. So, now I don't know what the truth is - he will help and not tell her, or he actually will not help. He is a half beneficiary, so he is entitled to half of everything.
I have been working very hard at executor duties. I notified my dad's company of a life insurance claim. My brother and I each get half. I received my letter today requiring a copy of his death certificate. I have them as executor. I also received an email from my brother in Florida today asking for copies of the death certificate. No doubt his wife received a similar letter today also.
My inner devil says slow walk any requests, my inner angel says don't be petty. After being completely ignored for what I believe is totally unreasonable, I don't want to acommodate her in any way. I will do it, but take my time. I have been wondering now if my brother will dump me (due to his wife) after our dad's estate is settled.
I want to do right by my dad, but the insults have just kept coming. At what point is enough, enough?
Hyacinth
@hyacinth003 Why does your brother need a copy of the death certificate? For the insurance company? Wouldn’t one sent by you since you are also a beneficiary be sufficient for both of you? And why in the world would his wife get the same letter?
Let your brother know when you plan to go to assisted living to get your dad’s things and remind him that he is entitled to half of it. And let HIM tell you that he doesn’t want it. Let him know when it all has to be removed. If he doesn’t come to get what he wants, that’s on him.
As far as your nephew and the birthday check is concerned, how old is he? Whatever, don’t worry too much about him not cashing it. Deduct it from your account like you always do and eventually the check will expire and that’s the end of that.
Be the grownup here. Don’t let your SIL push your buttons The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can put it all behind you.
You certainly have a bad time with wills after family deaths. I remember a saga sometime ago when your husband was involved with his brothers over I think it was their dad’s will.
eta...I would be pretty tight fisted with those death certificate copies too. I would want to know how they are going to be used before I handed them out.
In my experience, funeral homes provide the family with death certificates. They are public documents, and can be obtained by anyone.
And this was her brother's father. He's entitled to a copy of the death certificate. It's completely inappropriate for her to be "tight-fisted" with it or to ask how he's going to use it.
I just received the copies myself. To be honest, I am not even ready to look at it. But I will honor his request tomorrow. I had to ask him if he wanted them in Florida (where he is vacationing now) or at his home address. He just answered he wanted them at his home, so I will mail them.
Just for info, I was asked by the cremation facility how many certified ones I wanted. You have to pay a larger fee for the first, and $5.00 for each one thereafter. Each county has different fees. I didn't even know how they were obtained until making his arrangements. They wanted NO PART of making his arrangements, despite my trying to include my brother in all choices.
Hyacinth
09-18-2019 03:47 AM
@hyacinth003 wrote:
@NYC Susan wrote:
@BeccaLou wrote:@hyacinth003 Please move on from the craziness of wanting to be the Executor. It is totally a very nervewracking job. And fighting with family about it is surely something that would be something your Mother I am sure would not want. Move on for your health .It is so not worth wanting all the complications.My Prayers are with you and your family.Stay a family that is something is needed for peace.
She IS the executor. Her SIL is unwilling to accept that, and that's why there are problems now. The OP isn't fighting anyone in an effort to be executor. Her father named her executor, and she is simply trying to carry on in that capacity.
This is absolutely true. My father had my brother and I meet him at his attorney's office several months after my mother passed away. He told us he had updated his Trust and Will. He and his attorney informed us that I was the executor and trustee of his estate. And all documents reflect that.
Again, sister-in-law has a copy of the Will and Trust. She made the assumption, and TOLD ME that my father changed his will to add my brother as a co-executor. I asked her WHEN this was done, as I was never made aware of this. My dad had told me several times over the years that I was the only executor. I NEVER asked him, he would bring it up. My brother would even refer to it.
Since what she said was different than what I had been told, I called my dad's attorney (who drew up the Will) to clarify this after my dad passed away. I am no lawyer, and wanted to know how to proceed with my FATHER's WISHES. The lawyer told me there was no other Will or Trust, and the one in our meeting was still the only one and IN EFFECT. He stated that I was SOLE executor and trustee of my dad's estate.
The net effect is sister-in-law is furious that my brother is NOT a co-executor. The day of his passing she went and gave away his clothes, scheduled a Mass, and purchased Mass cards. This was even on a holiday, Labor Day. Even IF my brother were co-executor, they shouldn't have done that without checking with me. We are equal beneficiaries, and those actions would have been shared by a co-executor anyway. I have said NOTHING and went along with the scheduled Mass and their choice of cards.without comment or complaint.
So thank you, NYC Susan, for understanding the situation. I AM the sole executor, not just trying to be. I am only trying to honor my father's trust in me, not fight, and be utterly polite. I have kept my brother informed of what I have done to secure his portion of the life insurance and other accounts that are part of the estate. I have the work, he will get his money. I haven't ignored others in public or screamed at anyone. Only his wife has.
Hyacinth
I think most of us understand.
And, as I said in an earlier post, I know what you're up against. I have a close family member who is very similar to your SIL. I've always tried to take the high road, but it sure isn't easy.
09-18-2019 04:00 AM
@hyacinth003 wrote:
@NYC Susan wrote:
@mom2four0418 wrote:
@esmerelda wrote:
@hyacinth003 wrote:I have made 2 posts about my dad's passing and the way my sister-in-law (only brother's wife) has treated me. First she screamed at me when informed I was sole executor of his trust and will. She had read the will and misinterpreted it as my brother (her husband) was a co-executor. Then at the Mass and luncheon afterward, she totally ignored me, my husband, and my daughter. Totally ignored all of us - others did notice. I sent my nephew (their son) a birthday card and check as a gift. I have not been thanked nor has the check been cashed - not cashing check VERY unusual.
I learned she and my brother turned in their keys to my dad's room at the assisted living center. The lady there called me and said they told her they were never coming back and his things were now my responsibility only. The room is still full of furniture, and my brother had told me he would help after getting back from Florida. So, now I don't know what the truth is - he will help and not tell her, or he actually will not help. He is a half beneficiary, so he is entitled to half of everything.
I have been working very hard at executor duties. I notified my dad's company of a life insurance claim. My brother and I each get half. I received my letter today requiring a copy of his death certificate. I have them as executor. I also received an email from my brother in Florida today asking for copies of the death certificate. No doubt his wife received a similar letter today also.
My inner devil says slow walk any requests, my inner angel says don't be petty. After being completely ignored for what I believe is totally unreasonable, I don't want to acommodate her in any way. I will do it, but take my time. I have been wondering now if my brother will dump me (due to his wife) after our dad's estate is settled.
I want to do right by my dad, but the insults have just kept coming. At what point is enough, enough?
Hyacinth
@hyacinth003 Why does your brother need a copy of the death certificate? For the insurance company? Wouldn’t one sent by you since you are also a beneficiary be sufficient for both of you? And why in the world would his wife get the same letter?
Let your brother know when you plan to go to assisted living to get your dad’s things and remind him that he is entitled to half of it. And let HIM tell you that he doesn’t want it. Let him know when it all has to be removed. If he doesn’t come to get what he wants, that’s on him.
As far as your nephew and the birthday check is concerned, how old is he? Whatever, don’t worry too much about him not cashing it. Deduct it from your account like you always do and eventually the check will expire and that’s the end of that.
Be the grownup here. Don’t let your SIL push your buttons The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can put it all behind you.
You certainly have a bad time with wills after family deaths. I remember a saga sometime ago when your husband was involved with his brothers over I think it was their dad’s will.
eta...I would be pretty tight fisted with those death certificate copies too. I would want to know how they are going to be used before I handed them out.
In my experience, funeral homes provide the family with death certificates. They are public documents, and can be obtained by anyone.
And this was her brother's father. He's entitled to a copy of the death certificate. It's completely inappropriate for her to be "tight-fisted" with it or to ask how he's going to use it.
I just received the copies myself. To be honest, I am not even ready to look at it. But I will honor his request tomorrow. I had to ask him if he wanted them in Florida (where he is vacationing now) or at his home address. He just answered he wanted them at his home, so I will mail them.
Just for info, I was asked by the cremation facility how many certified ones I wanted. You have to pay a larger fee for the first, and $5.00 for each one thereafter. Each county has different fees. I didn't even know how they were obtained until making his arrangements. They wanted NO PART of making his arrangements, despite my trying to include my brother in all choices.
Hyacinth
I wasn't being critical of you - I hope it didn't sound that way. I just don't understand the posters who are advising you to withhold the certificate or make him jump thru hoops to get it.
When my father passed away, I asked my stepmom for a death certificate, and she sent it to me. No discussion, no questions asked, no ulterior motive suspected. As his daughter, it was common sense that I should have it. In your case, not simply giving it to your brother seems unnecessarily provocative. There's no reason why he shouldn't have it.
Your father put his trust in you for a reason. So hold your head high and get through this as quickly as you can. You seem to be doing everything right, and for sure your father knew that you would.
09-18-2019 10:52 AM
I would just say that I am a little overwhelmed with so many tasks to perform.i amalso grieving which makes these tasks extra difficult.Please try to understand that I am doing the best I can getting all of the information processed and I will be sure that everything is accomplished fairly and accurately,but it will take some time.
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