Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Da... - Page 4

Goldengate8361 · ‎01-27-2014

@Annabellethecat66 No worries! I didn't take anything you said as being negatively directed to me. You make some great points - and you really seem like a terrific person!😺

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@Goldengate8361

Have you discussed this in detail with his doctor? That kind of behavioral change over time can be a sign of dementia.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@ID2 wrote:
So sad to hear of those who can't stand to be around their aging parent. The day will come when you'll wish you had these "problems" with them. Good or bad, take a deep breath and enjoy them while you have them. Both my parents have been gone for years and not a day goes by that I don't miss them like crazy!

I see this sentiment has been posted more than once, and I have to say no one has any right to judge here.

Many of you have had wonderful supportive (or at the least, normal) parents. If there were negative changes in old age, you/we are able to understand/cope with that. But many people are having to put up with a lifetime of extreme negativity and stress ( some even abuse) from parents. There is a cumulative effect in this. It can cause stress, depression, frustration and literally take over much of your life, especially when you are the only one left who can/will tolerate their behavior, and find yourself their only support/connection.

Please don't make light of this, as if it were simply being annoyed with an elderly person. It goes way beyond that for many people, and while these parents may be missed when they are gone, there will be a sense of relief as well, because it isn't fun being the child of someone so horribly negative and mean, and always trying to keep the peace/balance in their lives, and your own. There is just no enjoying some of these elderly parents, whether their behavior is happening because of dementia or some other physical reason, or because they have been like this for a lifetime.

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

@Annabellethecat66 wrote:
@Goldengate8361 I hope you don't think I was talking to you specifically. I turn 70 years old in a week and know that I work hard at keeping a positive attitude so my daughters and grandchildren (and friends my age) want to be around me. I am in severe pain 24/.7 and right now not much can be done. Yet, I try really hard not to let it take me down. I think that's why I get twerked (my word) when I see where people (again, not you) complain about their elderly parents and being onery. I was with my husband when he died suddenly (could not find a reason) at the age of 57, perfect health, etc. I've worked hard at finding the positive side of being with him. Not everyone is able to do that, some just don't have the energy, perhaps one day I won't.
I know you love your Dad or you would not have posted here. That's why I say, "I'm not talking about you". I just am using the other side to help people understand.
I used to hear, "One day, you'll be there too". That's why I work hard at being positive. I haven't worked for 43 years so my 'world' is relative small. I love people. I talk to strangers all of the time, that helps too.
Staying up to date on the latest music, stars, etc. The news is good to keep your brain going.
Perhaps if you found some music your Dad likes it would help him to be able to go back in time when he was happy and young. Sometimes that helps. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You have a right to feel sad and to want your Dad to be happy around you. It's sad that we don't get what we want. Perhaps there is a reason for this (I believe there is always a reason) that one day (if you are lucky) you'll be old. Just remember how you felt and don't let your attitude get this way.
Stay safe and take care. You are a good daughter.

@Annabellethecat66Are you on?

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@Mominohio wrote:
@ID2 wrote:
So sad to hear of those who can't stand to be around their aging parent. The day will come when you'll wish you had these "problems" with them. Good or bad, take a deep breath and enjoy them while you have them. Both my parents have been gone for years and not a day goes by that I don't miss them like crazy!

I see this sentiment has been posted more than once, and I have to say no one has any right to judge here.

Many of you have had wonderful supportive (or at the least, normal) parents. If there were negative changes in old age, you/we are able to understand/cope with that. But many people are having to put up with a lifetime of extreme negativity and stress ( some even abuse) from parents. There is a cumulative effect in this. It can cause stress, depression, frustration and literally take over much of your life, especially when you are the only one left who can/will tolerate their behavior, and find yourself their only support/connection.

Please don't make light of this, as if it were simply being annoyed with an elderly person. It goes way beyond that for many people, and while these parents may be missed when they are gone, there will be a sense of relief as well, because it isn't fun being the child of someone so horribly negative and mean, and always trying to keep the peace/balance in their lives, and your own. There is just no enjoying some of these elderly parents, whether their behavior is happening because of dementia or some other physical reason, or because they have been like this for a lifetime.

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@Mominohio

I agree with this and think most people would not want their parents back only to suffer from dementia and all that goes with it, not to mention an abusive parent.

gmkb · ‎07-29-2012

It must be very difficult for the very elderly to accept the lack of control they have over their lives. As health deteriorates, ambulation becomes difficult, memory becomes blurred, health care personnel and others talk about you, in front of you, to your children instead of talking to you, friends and siblings die, life loses its luster.

If you are having ischemic episodes in your brain, changes are likely to take place in your demeanor. Many unpleasant changes take place as we age, which have a profound

effect on our behavior. Everyone knows exceptions; that is what they are, exceptions.

My point. We must be patient with elderly parents, don't buy into the negativity. Ask your elderly parent for their opinion - just the asking will mean a lot to them.

My parents died in their 80's and went thru all these things, especially my father.

He took care of my mother, sister and I with great care and as he became incapable of doing so, he became very resistant to releasing control.

I would encourage you to be patient. Once they are gone, you are left with the knowledge that you did the right thing.

KarenQVC · ‎05-13-2010

I think 2 things are important for people who are very old. First, they need freuent evaluations of their cognitive and mental health status and medications they may need around those issues. Second, they usually could be helped by being around those their age. No busy, middled-aged child can take the volume of complaints that can come out of their mouths.

mac116 · ‎03-26-2010

My husband is an only child. His mother has always been difficult and extremely selfish. She has burned out most of her relationships because she is so mean. I have felt that lately depression could be part of the issue. Her doctor did an assessment, but she refused to fill the prescription. Every conversation is worse than the one before it. She is nearly 90 and in good health otherwise. Life is very stressful.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@ID2 wrote:
So sad to hear of those who can't stand to be around their aging parent. The day will come when you'll wish you had these "problems" with them. Good or bad, take a deep breath and enjoy them while you have them. Both my parents have been gone for years and not a day goes by that I don't miss them like crazy!

Please don't say that to people. It is hurtful to the ones of us that have to put up with this stuff. Saying that doesn't make it any easier, and people usually feel bad enough as it is. It is a HARD HARD HARD road to deal with, maybe for years and years for people who themselves aren't getting any younger.

It is a terrible thing to endure and here you are spending a good deal of your time around totally negative people and when you get home you just want to cry. It can simply drain the life and happiness out of you.

SeaMaiden · ‎03-10-2010

He sounds depressed. Lonely. Perhaps he is also scared of dying.... try to see how he feels from his perspective rather than from yours. It is difficult...never easy with elder parents.