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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,408
Registered: ‎01-27-2014

Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

I love my 90 year old father and I will always be there for him. However, he has become the most negative person I've ever known in my life. He says terrible things about everybody, including family members. I literally have a massive headache every time I hang up the phone from talking to him. Have any of you experienced this? Any advice to make it more bearable? By the way, he is in great health---but he is vile. It pains me to say that, but that's the truth. (FYI - he lives alone; my mom passed away 6 years ago) . He will not socialize AT ALL. He will not make friends or do anything to make himself feel better. Help!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,143
Registered: ‎04-18-2012

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

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My mom has been that way her whole life. Once she starts on the negative gossip I attempt to change the subject. If that doesn't work, I suddenky have to go. I really don't call to talk to someone, just to listen to them tell me stories about how horrible their friends and neighbors are. The worst is when she's doing it about family members. 

Don't Change Your Authenticity for Approval
Super Contributor
Posts: 471
Registered: ‎07-06-2010

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

I had the same problem with my mother. She became very abusive and mean with everyone. My aunts said they won't take her out anymore and I understood what they were saying. The doctors told me she had a form of dementia due to mini strokes she was having as her body was shutting down and less oxygen to the brain. I found out that if you don't engage in conversation and just let them talk will help you mental health. When I would come home I was just exhausted and totally beat up but you must remember they are sick and forgive them because there filter is gone. I remember my mother calling me from the hospital that she was mean to her male nurse and now he wouldn't take care of her. So I had to go and get her and take her home. My thoughts and prayers are with you but be strong and say yes dad whatever you say dad 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,818
Registered: ‎06-21-2015

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

Just remember  some  day he is going to be gone, and your going to wish even with his issues he was here. I used to try and get my dad to talk about his childhood, that way I could more information get him on to a subject  he injoying 90 years old, and living alone,  give him a break.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,153
Registered: ‎05-22-2012

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

 

I'm sorry, that can be difficult.

 

Have you tried positive reinforcement? Try calling him and steer a brief conversation you know he can keep positive. (Don't talk about politics, health issues, whatever his other  negative buttons are.) Mention how enjoyable the positive conversation was and hang up. Call back again soon and do the same thing - short, positive, praise and reward.

When conversations are positive, keep them going longer and call back sooner.

 

When a conversation starts to go negative, tell him you don't appreciate the negative behavior and are going to hang up, then do it. Wait a bit longer before you call.

 

If you keep reinforcing positive behavior with positive attention, it could help.

 

But I would note that it's also possible he is suffering from depression given the other things you said. If that is the case, positive reinforcement won't help and he may need medication. But that's going to be a challenge for both someone that age and of that disposition.

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,905
Registered: ‎06-24-2011

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

My sympathy goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel. My mother has dimentia and she is awful to be around. She wasn't great to be around before her diagnosis. My mother is in a nusing home now and I go only when I have to. It's depressing to listen to her complaining about everything and everyone. So just know you aren't alone in this.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,241
Registered: ‎12-05-2012

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

I am sorry goldengate...and admire you for sticking in there.

My question is this...was your father always a negative person or is this something new?

 

If it is new it suggests dementia or perhaps a physical problem. Could you talk to his dr. and perhaps have some type of evaluation done?

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,583
Registered: ‎06-25-2012

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

So sad to hear of those who can't stand to be around their aging parent. The day will come when you'll wish you had these "problems" with them. Good or bad, take a deep breath and enjoy them while you have them. Both my parents have been gone for years and not a day goes by that I don't miss them like crazy!

"Pure Michigan"
Valued Contributor
Posts: 614
Registered: ‎02-16-2014

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

I haven't experienced that.  How about bringing up some pleasant topics from earlier in your lives that you could talk about? 

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libby's folly
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,513
Registered: ‎10-27-2010

Re: Talking to very unpleasant old people - like my Dad

 When  my mild-mannered and very sweet father, who is now nearly 95, started to become uncharacteristically angry and negative and critical just a handful of years ago, we knew something was wrong. It turns out that he had dementia although I  wasn't aware of that immediately. Visits to him – he lives about a 5-hour drive away – were increasingly difficult, and although I kept my cool around him, I came away angry and with, as you say, a terrible headache. I strongly urge you to get your dad to a doctor. My father increasingly made life very difficult for my stepsister and me. My stepmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's already, and at the time my father was fine. But little by little we realized  that he was having issues, too, and we had to intervene to help manage their lives. Neither would or could see that they couldn't manage things by themselves. So they resented everything we did or tried to do. My dad criticized the caregivers, me, my stepsister, and more. He threatened to leave. And more. We finally hired 24 hour in-home care because they wanted to be at home, and that went on for quite some time . A couple of times they fired the care people whom we had hired because they didn't think they needed any help. I could tell you lots of stories but I will not waste your time. All I'm saying is your father will probably resist but you should definitely have him checked out. We found a hospital diagnostic program to which we took my stepmother – a multi-disciplinary  medical program that lasted about a week or more. At the time we weren't sure what was wrong with her but she came away from that with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. And she came away from that program with medications that made a significant difference in her hallucinations and depression. Dad finally got on medication that calmed him, too, easing his paranoia, which was causing much of his anger.  

 

I am NOT saying that your father has dementia. He may need some other kind of counseling. Or he may have had small strokes which can change one's personality or exacerbate the difficult parts of one's personality. I hope that you can somehow work with your dad to get him a proper checkup if he hasn't had one recently.  I know how difficult it is to go through this. My father has failed considerably and is now in a nursing home but he and I are able to talk and he is very much my normal sweet dad again. But only two or three months ago he was "terminating" me as his daughter just about every time I saw him or  talked to him on the phone.  I never let that get to me. I would just say, "OK, dad, I'll talk to you tomorrow."  I'll be thinking about you.