Among Friends

[GenXmuse]

Isn't it possible to not miss a parent after they die if they're surly, rude and downright mean if not abusive?  I'm not sure everyone would wish they had those moments back. 

[drizzellla]

As Aunt G said - you aren't going to change him. Sad but true.

I wish I had the magic answer but I don't. My Mom was charming to everyone but me, my husband and my Dad. She treated us like dirt. And you could do everything she wanted you to do and still complain. Looking back I wish I had handled things better. But I didn't - so please take the high road. And continue to do your best in handling him.

It is sad that he doesn't socialize. Probably would be better than spending the days by himself. Think that he would be interested in fostering a dog or cat? So many rescue groups are begging people to foster an animal. 

[goldensrbest]

I don't think this is unusually, when we age sometimes we get crabby,everything is changing ,life around us is not like it use to be,some of us are lonely,and even when we try to meet others, it is not satisfying, we miss what was.

[Annabellethecat66]

To those of you who can't find anything positive in your life to talk about or think about I can't help thinking, you are trying hard enough.

Life is what you make it.  There's a saying, (among many) on my refrigerator that says) "If you ask you might not get what you want but sometimes you get what you NEED".  Perhaps this is the case with those who only see the negative side of life.

Look, I only lived with my mother for 3 months of my life.  She lived near me, I never was allowed to know her or speak or name.  When I was a teenager I went to live with my sister and I started knowing her.  She had some major mental problems but I forgave her and because of that my children knew the 'later years grandmother'.  She was fun, kept up to date on things, they adored her.  Only one time in my life did I ever sleep under the same roof with her...so what?  My father was a functioning alcoholic.  I never had a normal night of sleeping ever, he'd come in drunk (worked until 1:30AM) wake me up to tell me how much he hated my mother.  I could go on but I won't bore you.  I know there are people who had a much harder life than I did.  

My point is there is always something positive about life you can find if you think long and hard.  I don't go to church every Sunday but I consider myself a person who believes in GOD.  If you ask for help from whatever higher being (whomever that is), he will help you help YOURSELF.  It must come from within you.....happiness.

No one is happy all of the time.  These "OLD" people have earned the right to be onery sometimes.  Maybe you think you are spending time with them, but dollars to donuts THEY don't feel loved or wanted.

Look them in the eye and say, "What can I do for you?  How can I make YOU happy?  I love you so much.  i want to repay you for giving me life".  See what the hay happens.

Just saying......don't bother bla blaing Annabelle because I won't answer.  I've said what I wanted to say and that's it.  Also to the ladies who are widows, I know what you mean, I'd love to hear my husband's voice again.  i'd love to hear my Mother say, "Hi Honey!"  She complained about my sisters all of the time.  I just listened.  Am I perfect, am I a good daughter?  I like to think I was.  When my Mother died we were all at her bedside.  She'd hurt all of us so bad over the years, but we'd long forgiven us as I'm sure she'd forgiven us.  Never leave kind, loving words unspoken or you will regret it.  I know I have family members who have done that and they'll never be truly happy.

[nana59]

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@Bonanzajellybean wrote:

Isn't it possible to not miss a parent after they die if they're surly, rude and downright mean if not abusive?  I'm not sure everyone would wish they had those moments back. 

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Thank you.  My father was always a mean, verbally abusive parent.  When he died at the age of 73,  I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders.  Thank you for your understanding post.  Not all of us came from a family of Waltons....

[LyndaGee]

i've read that being around toxic people can actually make you feel physically ill.  I like the idea of trying to raise his mood by discussing happy topics.  Worth a try.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[homedecor1]

@Zhills

 I sometimes wonder what my parents would be like at age 87 & 85 but both died in their early 50s. Some days I wish there was a way to talk to my dad, I miss him every minute of everyday.

I volunteer 2 days/week at local assisted living facility & some days I just visit, sit & listen. I'm shocked how many people are alone and without visiting family.😢

Maybe it's too hard for your daughter to ask as no one wants to lose a parent (I know when my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer it was the biggest shock of my life, I wasn't the greatest daughter looking back because "denial" was working better for me, I admit - BUT I never hesitated a minute to be there for her). As I'm typing this I'm thinking she ate the best during her last months WHY cuz cooking was my therapy! Lol🙂

Hugs to you for better days ahead & good report from your dr. that you're getting better each day. (I know it's hard but keep fighting)

homedecor

[Goldengate8361]

I want to step back in the thread and thank everyone for their thoughtful posts. It's always comforting to know that others have been--or are currently---in the same situation. I think @Annabellethecat66 is right; your life is what you make it and happiness is your personal responsibility (others can not technically "make" you happy). This is an important lesson I've learned from my dad during these last few years--and, hence, I will not be like him when I'm his age. Since I've seen him "turn off the negativity," around others, I don't think his problems are physical (dementia). I love him just the same, and as I said, I will always be there for him. I am learning great, great patience. Yes, of course, I know I'm lucky to still be able to hear his voice and see him. I just wish he were at least a little more pleasant to be around during his last few years. I think my mom would be proud of me. Blessings, everyone!

[bmorechick]

The elderly are very prone to depression and practitioners often miss it. Family members are usually the ones who enlighten the doctor about it. As we age, we do not produce as much of the feel good chemicals in our brain. Hence, we sometimes become what we call grouchy and grumpy old people. Now I'm not saying all grouchy old folks are depressed...some are just plain unhappy or cantankerous by nature. We noticed changes in my mom years before she died...kinda negative, gossipy, sad, never satisfied and indifferent. We were very concerned and definitely communicated this to her doctor. My mom had a wonderful geriatric physician who always communicated with us via email. Next visit, she very expertly questioned my mom and did say she was depressed. It took us a few tries to find the right medicine and when we did, she was her old self again until she passed. Miss her so much.

[Annabellethecat66]

@Goldengate8361 I hope you don't think I was talking to you specifically.  I turn 70 years old in a week and know that I work hard at keeping a positive attitude so my daughters and grandchildren (and friends my age) want to be around me.  I am in severe pain 24/.7 and right now not much can be done.  Yet, I try really hard not to let it take me down.  I think that's why I get twerked (my word) when I see where people (again, not you) complain about their elderly parents and being onery.  I was with my husband when he died suddenly (could not find a reason) at the age of 57, perfect health, etc.  I've worked hard at finding the positive side of being with him.  Not everyone is able to do that, some just don't have the energy, perhaps one day I won't.

I know you love your Dad or you would not have posted here.  That's why I say, "I'm not talking about you".  I just am using the other side to help people understand.  

I used to hear, "One day, you'll be there too".  That's why I work hard at being positive.  I haven't worked for 43 years so my 'world' is relative small.  I love people.  I talk to strangers all of the time, that helps too.

Staying up to date on the latest music, stars, etc.  The news is good to keep your brain going.

Perhaps if you found some music your Dad likes it would help him to be able to go back in time when he was happy and young.  Sometimes that helps.  Don't let anyone make you feel guilty.  You have a right to feel sad and to want your Dad to be happy around you.  It's sad that we don't get what we want.  Perhaps there is a reason for this (I believe there is always a reason) that one day (if you are lucky) you'll be old.  Just remember how you felt and don't let your attitude get this way.

Stay safe and take care.  You are a good daughter.