Among Friends

[mintedrose]

I went through a serious health challenge a while back and shared it with a sister two years ago. Never got a call after that. No text no phone call nothing. Just silence. Im ghosted! Granted that we are no longer that close but I've still kept the lines of communication open. Ive tried for several years to have her be a part of our life but she never reaches out. Shes always cold, and ends the call abruptly. She's says she's got too much going on. Im sure she's offended by something done many many years back and is now taking it out on me and punishing me. It feels emotionally abusive. 

After two years, she texts me and asks how Im doing. I know its not because she wants to know how Im doing but probably because she has something on her mind. We talked but mostly it was her and all I heard was woe is me and Im just so busy and why so much is expected of her. Ive told her that I care for her and think about her and wish he well but when I try to clear things up because of ther assumptions things took a downturn. She hung up on me. She's much older but Im losing respect for her.  Im just rethinking the relationship. I feel no love or care/concern anymore from her side. It hurts to hear that she just doesnt have time and that she only came to my wedding out of obligation. No time even for a lousy one sentence text! I know she's gonna start playing games now and putting me at fault. I just dont wanna do this anymore. Its really getting old, being rejected and ghosted. After countless sleepless nights, ive decided there's never gonna be a relationship here ever no matter what i do.

How do I end this without being it turned around on me? 

[Carol Diane]

Spoiler

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  You've tried and she's gone years without reaching out.  It sounds like it ended long ago.  Go on with your life and keep out toxic people whether it's family or not. You are never going to "win" this situation. 

[AuntG]

This is a good place to come and vent. I don't have any advice - you grew up with her so trust your instincts.

[PinkyPetunia]

There is no reason to do anything.  Ghost her right back if you ever hear from her.  Just let it be.  

[ThinkingOutLoud]

I'm sorry you've been hurt.

If she has been depressed or has had her own challenges that she doesn't want to talk about, that could be why she hasn't reached out or responded when you have. I suggest you lower your expectations and just send a card once in a while. It wouldn't take much from you but could make all the difference. You never know when someone will come around but you have to give them the chance to do so even if it's not as soon as you might like.

[moonandthestars]

@mintedrose  So sorry you are having to deal with this.  Family relationships are / can be so complex!  I mean, even if there is not an apparent great relationship, we feel there should be that underlying real & strong connection - and maybe most of us always seek to prove that that is actually true.  We always believe that it's true - or should be true, or maybe we just hope that it is.

I'm not sure what you mean by she'll start playing games and putting you at fault.  Or turning it arund on you? Do you mean she'll be telling relatives or her friends things about you?  And when you said you try to clear things up you meant you asked her what could be the problem? (I don't mean to pry - just wondering to gain more understanding).  Did you have a good relationship growing up?

It's a tough situation.  Obviously she has hurt you and won't even talk to you about why she is being this way. - so frustrating, hurtful.  

I hear from your post you are toughening up and taking more steps back from her - don't want involvement with her (what for, right?) and if you know this is how she is and you expect nothing else, then I guess you protect yourself from her emotionally to some degree at least.

My friend always says to me:   in essence - cut out the toxic person from your life.  If they don't treat you the way you deserve - just walk away.  However, the real me, IF this were my situation,  because it's family (yes I'm one of the always hopefuls), I would write a card and speak my mind in a loving way.  because this really is about love or lost love.  That you wish her always the best, you will always love her, that you are here for her if she wishes to connect with her sister, her family, that you miss having a relationship with her but you can see that there is something that is preventing that closeness and good will.  That since you don't know the answer and that sister doesn't want to share what it could be to hopefully resolve it, then you wish her the best, but without an mutual effort to make things better, it's better to just be apart.  Should that change, you'll be there.

Anyway, just my thoughts!  probably said too much (blah, blah), but some of what you wrote is close to my heart so it touches me.

[OneHappyHiker]

I'm sorry you are having these issues with someone who we automatically think would be a comfort in your life. I have no experience on this topic so anyone who does will most likely have a better answer; but I would like to make a suggestion.

My first thought is, why do you have to "end" this relationship by saying or doing anything that would come across as permanently destroying what may or may not organically take place in the future?  That would be the first question I would ask myself.

Life (hopefully) is long with many twists and turns; but just because we can't change what has already happened with all the accompanying hurt, it doesn't mean we have to project that into what may or may not happen in the future.

To me ending a relationship would be putting an end to a family member's ability to rebuild/repair a relationship with you. I would never want someone to feel they are not worthy of forgiveness because we really do never know what another person is going through when they said or did something by which I felt wronged.

I would just go about my life, allow her to go about hers, not ending anything but not extending more than I would feel I would want to be (what might happen) rejected for trying to do.  This way if anything happens in the future that might bring you both together, there was never a cocrete moment she could pin on you, which you sounded like you feel might happen.

Also, because you are concerned things might be turned around on you, I think that shows more concern than you might even know. I would also think you would feel guilty at ending this relationship.

So for now, maybe don't think about "ending" this relationship but instead think about other things and just allowing it to fall into a space in the background of your life as it seems she has relegated it to in hers. Maybe that will take the current sting out of this last attempt to reconcile while not nailing communications closed.

Good luck! Family relationships are complicated sometimes.

Space in realtionships is not always a bad thing because no words of rejection were ever spoken. 

[50Mickey]

You said " I don't want to do this anymore." And you said that you feel no love, care or concern from her. So don't reach out anymore. But keep an open mind because it sounds like you have a complicated past with her. 

It's sad because you are sisters. I lost my sister to a terrible disease when she was only 61. I would give everything that I own to have her back. 

[Desert Lily]

@mintedrose   I'm a believer in family, and I don't think at the end of our lives that we wish we would have ostracized a family member; I think we'll wish we would've had a closer relationship.

I would remain kind and keep the door to your heart open for her. I would send warm holiday and birthday wishes. If you talk again, I wouldn't bring up old wounds; I'd renew the relationship in the present with a fresh start. If there's an apology due, I would just say "I was sorry if I hurt you in the past" - and move on forward without details.

We love family members no matter how much we deny it, and no matter how they may disappoint us or we may disappoint them. I would celebrate the good things about your sister and remember that you love each other despite things you may not like about each other.

Life is too short to let animosity get in the way.

Do we want to look back on how we loved or how we didn't love?

[hckynutjohn]

@mintedrose 

"How do I end it without it being turned around on me"?

First, who would be turning it around?  I had 3 older sisters, only 1 of which is still living. There were serious problems between myself and 2 of those 3. We lived in the same city, but purposely avoided making face to face contact with each other.

Myself and my mother lived together. If either of those 2 came to visit my mother, I made sure I would not be there. My mother of course was aware of the issues with 1 of the sisters. The issues with the other were long after my mother had died.

The only one still living was 1 of those 2. We now are on loving terms and also fortunately live only a few miles apart. It took a long time to work through our differences, but with both of us wanting it to succeed, it did.

With your comment "there's never gonna be a relationship"?  End all ties and live your life like you had been without her anyway. Clear your head and move on with your life like many are forced to do, even when they lose a loved one, to death.

Easy? Probably not. Necessary? If you want to live a happy life.

hckynut 🥅🏒