Among Friends

[fortune]

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@Vivian Florimond wrote:

I know this is not the be-all end-all forum for solutions to serious problems but I need to see the experience of others. I have had many talks with our doctor, a gerontologist. All I'm looking for here is the experience of those of you out there who may have gone through this. My 72 year old husband has shown signs of serious memory loss. He says things repeatedly, and denies he ever did. He forgets things he's been told and fights against accusations that he has been told those things. Just this week he lost his cell phone. He had told me that if the old phone were found, he was told he needed to return the old phone. When he found the old phone I reminded him he needed to send it back but he argued incessantly this morning that this was not true. I had to prove what I was saying, based on what he had told me originally, by online information. He refused to admit that he had been wrong but fortunately he's sending the found phone back.

Just last night we were talking about our granddaughter. We called her by her nickname and he couldn't remember her real name. I was shocked, reminded him of her real name, and he came up with the excuse that he was tired. This is ludicrous. He is in total denial and angry that I have pointed out his forgetfulness. He refuses to see a doctor. I have spoken at length to our family doctor, a gerontologist, who met with my husband and says only time will tell if he has Alzheimer's. But what do I do while my husband is still somewhat competent but clearly showing signs of potential dementia? His grandmother died of Alzheimer's at the age of 63. Family members tell me to take him to a neurologist. He adamantly refuses to go. It took everything in my power to get him to our family doctor. I don't know what I can do. He's not that bad yet but I don't want to wait until he's so incompetent that I can have him carried off somewhere.

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My heart breaks for you and your dear hubby.  You've been given some very valuable advice here.  One thing I must stress.  Be sure you have your attorney work with you to get all the paperwork taken care of soon.  You must have power of attorney to take care of all your bills, etc., and to handle your husband's medical needs--including hospitalization or nursing home care.  Does he have a will?  Usually it takes a medical team to diagnose Alzheimer's, so you will need to work with your husband's doctor.  Get all the help you can--from friends and relatives.  This will ensure that you don't get over-tired or sick.  Hugs to you, Vivian. 

[Silkeej]

I am hoping your Hubby has regular checkups with the family Doctor, he is the one you need to express your fears too, tell him what you have noticed and ask him when your Hubby comes in to order some test to find out what is going on, it could be dementia and it could be something else you all need to know. I am assuming  if the Doctor wants test done your Hubby will comply and you can find out if anything is going on.

[Vivian]

First, I want to thank all of you for your support and your excellent advice. Last August I spoke to my internist. She is a gerontologist. I made an appointment for my husband and for me to go to see her together about my concerns. It was like herding cats to get him to go with me. I said I was going alone if need be and he realized that he could get his two cents in if he showed up.

After our doctor spoke to us together, I left the room and she gave him one of those brief tests. The only thing my husband missed was repeating the series of numbers the doctor had mentioned at the beginning of their talk. Our doctor concluded that it was too early to make a diagnosis but that time will tell. I have been talking to her every few weeks. My friend, who's a nurse, told me to note the events that are disturbing, so I started doing that too. 

My cousin is a pediatric neurologist. Both his parents died of Alzheimer's. He would be happy to talk to me but I have to talk when my husband isn't home. This won't be easy but I will try to get through as soon as possible. 

[Moonchilde]

Vivian, the symptoms can progress pretty quickly sometimes (or not, in others). Since you are with your husband on a daily basis, you can see a progression where others do not.

It sounds like you have as much of a handle on the situation as possible and are doing what you can at this point. The time frame between functional (even if only moderately) and non-functional/danger to self and others is a slippery slope for both caregivers and physicians. Not-quite-there-yet is disturbing and scary for caregivers, but legally doctors need to protect themselves before they initiate, or recommend initiating, further steps. Good luck {{hug}}.

[S Woods]

Vivian

As with many others on this topic, I have been through this with 3 family members.

1.  Get your Doc to refer your husband to a Neuropsychologist for evaluation.  This will give you a base-line for diagnosis.  As many have said, there might be a physical element to his confusion such as stroke or reaction to medications or a UTI[urinary Tract Infection].  UTI's can have an alarming effect on the elderly.[goggle it]

2.  If you cannot get your husband to agree, ask family members, Clergy, Family friends to compel him to get a diagnosis.  Doing 'nothing' is not an option if you suspect he is of unsound mind.  Ask yourself how you or he would feel if he drove his car into a school yard while confused.  I know it sounds harsh but sometimes it is better to face these 'worst case' scenarios.

3.  After my Mother was diagnosed with Dementia, she was put on a cocktail of  the 2 main Alzheimer's drugs and much of her confusion and belligerence disappeared.  So, HAVE HOPE!  There are some medications that CAN help!

4.  Get a copy of the book, "36 hour day" by Nancy L. Mace.  It is a gold-mine of valuable info on how to take care of YOU as well as your Husband.  I highly recommend it.

Good Luck, kiddo, it CAN get better!!

cheers....sw

[ID2]

OP the most important thing I think you should RUN to do is get your dh and yourself into see a lawyer. You need to become your dh's POA. Do this while your dh is still ok. My father had dimentia and me and my brother were his caregivers. Not a fun job but I'm glad he had us to take care of him. Good luck to you.

[haddon9]

I'm so sorry about your husband.  It's understandable that he's in denial.  Who wants to believe something like this about themselves?

I like the idea of finding a good support group.  There hopefully you should find tips & suggestions on how to deal with this by others who have gone or are going though it.

I've also read some good things about coconut oil.  Some may say that there is no proof, it's quackery and so on but at this point I don't think it could hurt by giving it a try.  Look it up.

I wish you and your husband the best.

[LTT1]

@jlkz@Vivian

I wanted to check in and see about @Vivian, but read your post @jlkz first.

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@jlkz wrote:

When my mom started to show signs of dementia in her late 70's, the worst became apparent when she stopped her car on the road and could not remember how to get to her daughter's for her hair appointment.  Dad took her car keys without much trouble.

My dad stopped arguing with my mom about lots of things:  her nonstop repeating of sentences and questions; her eating lunch again right after she had just eaten; wearing a clean skirt instead of the very stained one she lived in;  her hiding things and forgetting where they were ( she had placed a ring she wanted me to have in a safe place---years later we found it in the bottom of a paperclip bowl !); the going up to the bedroom and talking to people who had passed on; and, the situations went on.

  another type dementia--Lewy Body Syndrome-- which is dementia with a twist of Parkinson's.

God bless caregivers--I pray for them every week .

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Thank you for giving the specifics of situations a loved one may find themselves in.  Also, my mother had the Lewy Body sydrome type of dementia.

[LTT1]

@Vivian

I wanted to follow up and see how the holidays went?  Hope you had a lovely time and that nothing of concern continues... wishing you a placid and peaceful 2016

[Vivian]

Since my post just got some attention, I'll provide a follow-up. I've mentioned here more recently that I have been very ill with intestinal MRSA and an incidental finding of 2 small spleen lesions that need follow-up because I had melanoma 15 years ago. I see an oncologist tomorrow, but my doctors don't think it's going to be a worst case scenario.

Meanwhile, we finally got an appointment for my husband with the neurologist for March. That was the soonest they could give us. I spoke to my pediatric neurologist cousin and he told me about the tests, the meds, and of course advised a neurological work-up for my husband. My daughters will help me make sure that he will go. His denial is strong but he's a pussycat when it comes to doing as the girls ask.  

My husband has been very good throughout my recent illness. If it hadn't been for him, I would have had to spend the holidays in the hospital instead of at home. He doesn't seem much worse, especially since our internist took him off two meds that can cause cognitive problems, but there's no denying that his short term memory is declining. My plan is that by the time we see the neurologist, I'll be OK so that we have only one problem to deal with at a time. Thanks again to all those who wrote in.