Re: My fellow widows

ByrdieK · ‎06-05-2019

Ironically my sister was an estate lawyer and made sure my husband and I covered the financial part of estate planning when he was diagnosed. When she passed away she hadn't done her due diligence for her own family. Even though she had a terminal cancer, she waited until she was in hospice to take care of many details. I am determined I won't do that to my family...as well I don't want to spend my final days dealing with those details.

monicakm · ‎03-16-2010

I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost your soul-mates. I have no idea how I'll make it if my husband dies before me. I'm needy physically because (mostly) my back. I wouldn't even be able to make it to the street for trash pickup.

Every.single.morning before I open my eyes but I've woken up, in my mind I'm wondering is mom up yet, did my brother make it home unscathed from the night before and is dad home or on a flight. Mom and my brother are gone and dad is in an assisted living facility. The mere seconds long thought is not sad (till I realize we're not a family unit anymore), it's comforting.

Roscoe the Rascal · ‎04-19-2016

@RedTop wrote:
My husband passed 11 months ago and I understand every feeling expressed here and feel we are starting our own support group.

As I've shared many times here, I retired 13 years ago to be a caregiver for Mom with vascular dementia and my disabled husband with several service connected health issues. I knew from the start, I was going to lose my loved ones, it was just a matter of when. I lost both within a year, but am very thankful for the last years I had with them as I have no guilt or regrets.

My grief journey is a bit different as my loved ones declined over a long period; my ocean of tears were shed at every difficult stage, every new diagnosis, and the reality of accepting Gods plan. Thru family effort, we kept Mom in her home until the last 4 months of her life.

In early 2022, my husband was diagnosed with a terminal type of cancer, which pulled the rug out from under us. I watched my husband accept his diagnosis and all that it meant. From the moment we got the test results, we talked at length about everything of importance for right now and in the future. He took care of the things he wanted to give away or sell. He showed our girls certain things in the garage, they recorded his instructions and have videos of his demonstrations. As a family, we literally covered everything, and the girls and I knew exactly what to do. Nothing was left undone or unsaid. My mind does not go to the I coulda, shoulda, woulda thoughts.

The faith I stand on reassures me my husband is healed and rejoicing with our loved ones. I have peace in my heart knowing I did everything he asked me to do. 13 years of caregiving left me exhausted, so I have spent this year accepting, adjusting, healing, resting, and focusing on my needs. I take each day as it comes, I feel strong, and am determined to live the best life I can until I leave this world, which is exactly what my husband wanted me to do.

Bless you for all that you have done and have been through. Not an easy task being a caregiver. They were blessed to have you.

monicakm · ‎03-16-2010

@willowbark

I used to be a fast walker too. People who were shopping in the mall with me kept telling me to slow down. DH tells me if I don't slow down, he's going to the car. I'm not so speedy now due to my back.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

Want to send my thoughts out to all those who are missing their loved ones. I'm know I can understand the feeling of loss you are experiencing.

I would never shun someone who's lost their sweetheart.

I have a friend, whose best friend lost her husband, suddenly, several years ago.

My friend includes her in every holiday, any weekend she's available (the widow) and my friend talks with her either by phone or text almost daily.

That's a special friend.

I know couples who were married and never in love. Or fell out of love over time. And when they lost their spouses, they moved on. Easily!

I remember thinking that when I got older, the love would lessen as it wasn't the young, passionate love we experienced when we first met.

But now as I'm in my 6th decade and we've been together for 47 years, I know that's not true, my love for my husband is even deeper.

I witnessed it with my parents, who were truly in love. Always....till the very end.

My mother passed and my father missed her terribly, initially. But the cloak of dementia is seeming to help him get over that loss, that loneliness.

It makes me wonder, what I wish for....

It's a 50/50 chance, who goes first. And, yes, it's usually the husband. That terrifies me.

I have children and grandchildren, but I don't know how they could even begin to make me feel better. They know the love the love my husband and I share....

I know I would need therapy to help me get through that. Even group therapy, talking with people who are experiencing the exact same loss of the love of their life. I would want to be in a meeting every day. I'm not kidding.

It's something every couple faces. Unless, they go together.

willowbark · ‎07-20-2025

Grief counseling should have been number 1 on my calendar but no, too stubborn and had a dozen or so reasons why I didn't want to see a person or attend group therapy and cry my eyes out in front of strangers and then have to drive home like that.

Driving while in deep emotional grief is not safe. Please don't do it unless you don't mind using an Uber, taxi or bus.

My other rationalization for never going. I only trust my own reflexes in traffic when driving. I do not trust someone much younger with limited driving experience and doesn't know the environment here which after many years believe me I'm an expert on the subject.

Keep your head on a swivel when you are vulnerable. When you are driving. When you are walking.

PJinIA · ‎03-21-2010

I lost my husband to cancer over 8 years ago, he was only 59. I actually had someone ask me at the funeral home if I thought I would ever remarry? WTH? I told them one and done! That was my first experience with how insensitive some people can be regarding the lifechanging loss of a spouse. I survived the first year by working myself to death, we lived on 3 acres so lots of yardwork. The second year was probably the most difficult, I was in a fog the first year and by year two the fog lifted and the reality of having to do everything myself and make every decision without his input was difficult. Does it get easier in time, yes and no. Easier because my memories are mostly of happy times now, whereas in the beginning all I could think of was how much he suffered at the end of his life. I rarely think of or picture him as his sick self...only the strong, capable man I always knew him to be. Still miss him every day & feel out of place sometimes as a single person in a world of couples but I am proud to still be standing. I would tell anyone newly traveling this road the words I heard early on...you don't know how strong you are until you don't have a choice! May you all have the best holiday season possible!

Still Raining · ‎03-30-2014

I have been alone for almost nine years and the very best advice I received is to remember that you only have a limited time left and you must use it well. Enjoy yourself and others. Don't mourn for ever.

It takes time to arrive to this place, so be gentle with yourself for a while.

Patriot3 · ‎06-07-2010

I lost my husband when I was 48 and he was 50. I'm now a couple of weeks away from 87. We really didn't have a very good marriage, but still. The holidays are the worst. I miss my Mom and Dad.

We have 7 birthdays (mine being one of them) and Christmas and New Years all in a month starting on Dec 15. This is just my immediate family. There is a lot of stress and chaos.

I am so Blessed to have a good family and fairly good health. Thank you God!

I hope all of you have very Blessed holidays. I will be praying for you. Hang in there. I know what it is to feel alone.

CrazyKittyLvr2 · ‎05-11-2013

@PJinIA The day after my husband died 6 1/2 years ago my one sister-in-law said maybe I would marry again one day. WTH!. I said I had no intention or desire to even date much less remarry. Her response was, never say never. Well, here it is years later and I have never even given dating/remarrying a thought.

I live within a couple miles from my husband's 4 brothers. Haven't seen them in years. They are not my family, they are my kid's family, not mine. My daughter sees them, I don't attend any of their family functions.

Harsh, yes. When my husband was on life support my sister lived 2 hours away from the hospital. I called her to tell he wasn't going to live, she cancelled her plans for the day, showered, packed a bag and was at the hospital within 3 hours. Do you know how many of his family came, none. So harsh or not, I don't care.