Among Friends

[NicksmomESQ]

  One thing I always say to people who are suffering is that they are entitled to their feelings. I tell them it's their grief & they get to handle it their way.I encourage them to cry, talk it out or do whatever else they need to do to deal with their grief.

  As a result a lot of my friends come to me for comfort. I don't judge or tell them to get over it. I listen & encourage them to let it out.It's ok to feel .It's ok to cry. It's ok to be angry.And it's ok to not get over something. It doesn't make you damaged. It makes you human. You can carry on with a hole in your heart.I have & I'm living a good life. 

[chickenbutt]

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@chiclet wrote:

I have had a lot of heartbreak and unhappiness throughout my life as have most people and the one thing you don't want to hear right in the midst of the black hole is "look on the bright side"  or "count your blessings" etc etc.  I thought this might with what you say to people.  

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Yes!   One that literally angers me is the old 'everything is going to be ok', when the person has no freaking idea whether or not everything is going to be ok and nine times out of ten it is NOT going to be ok.  Just don't say stupid stuff, people.  I'd rather somebody just walk away, rather than saying some silly phrase that means absolutely nothing.

I live in reality, not silly emotional sayings that have no actual meaning.

[Vivian]

I'm going to copy that graphic. It's excellent. When I had a curable cancer and went through tough times medically, I wanted to scream when people told me I was lucky because I had the good cancer. Now, with my husband's Alzheimer's, too many well-meaning people gave me unsolicited advice on how he could avoid the fate that 100% of the victims of this disease ultimately face. Give him crossword puzzles, take this or that vitamin, go to this quack or that, don't give up. He'll be OK.  I wanted to tell these folks to just shut up because they didn't know what they were talking about and ignored the feelings surrounding my husband's diagnosis. If I dared say that there is no cure, I was told by some to drop negative thinking. I wish I had that graphic when I heard that cow dung.

[decaf]

@Vivian  I'm sorry you had to go through all that. As I mentioned in an earlier post I had a 'friend' I knew for decades who not only said, but did  things, they were usually quite subtle but incredibly hurtful. It was difficult  to end the relationship because her sister was my best friend. There's a lot to read on the Internet about this mental phenomenon now.  I'm glad it's finally being recognized for what it truly is.

[Lucky Charm]

I bet I have said almost, if not all, of those things at one time or another. 

Actually, some have been said to me.  I guess I didn't really listen to what they were saying, or the meaning.

I am always at a loss for saying the right thing.  That I also admit.

I really need to keep that list.

Thank you, OP.

[Sooner]

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@Miss Pepsi wrote:

Thank you I copy and pasted it,  Another thing people say is either Get over it, or it's time to get over it.  Well until you have walked in someone elses shoes better to just say nothing than that.

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@Miss Pepsi Sometimes one needs to hear that because sometimes that is your only option. 

Someone helped me with that thought once and put me back in the right frame of mind to help myself when nobody else could.  Sometimes (of course not always) it is the only option you have. Then it becomes a choice. 

[qualitygal]

Tell me, in all this, do you say, "call me if you need anything".

[qualitygal]

What comment would you like to hear in this case that would cover most of these things?  Is there one? 

One recently that I appreciated, the other person said, I'm really sorry for your loss.  I said, "so am I, and thank you".  It let me acknowledge the loss I was suffering and I was sorry about the loss too, and was able to thank them, for caring, and not making it seem like just another saying.  So I do understand this. 

[Vivian]

I think the most heartfelt thing to say is that you are so very sorry that this has happened and/or this must be so hard for you. "If you like, I can bring you some comfort food, pick up your children at school, babysit, elderly sit, etc."The bottom line is to show empathy and compassion, and above all acknowledge the person's feelings and pain. If possible, offer specific help if appropriate. Advice, especially telling someone how to feel, is a no-no, e.g.,"Try to be more positive or if you believe in miracles they'll happen, or there's an article I read that proves there's a cure, or suffering makes you stronger," etc., etc. Just be there and if you don't know what to say, a hug among the vaccinated, now that Covid restrictions are eased, can suffice.

[MoJoV]

My daughter is like that.  Everything is great and perfect.  She won't watch much news "it's too upsetting.". If I complain about someone's rudeness it's oh they probably didn't realize or were having a bad day.  Please....allow me my feelings. Gets old.