Among Friends

[1Snickers]

@Vivian  I like it that your Husband tore the cameras down! It had to have upset him, and you!

I think your daughter is trying to help but doesn't know how. 

When my husband had Cancer and I was his caregiver my Son tended to pull away and internalize rather than being close. His reaction was to go to a movie!

It will be 15 years on December 22 since my Husband passed away. Now my Son tries not to tell me what to do but I can see him thinking it. He lets me make my own decisions.  He knows I don't like to drive at night so will offer to pick me up.

Everyone reacts differently in such stressful situations.  As we get older our roles in life are reversed and it's hard on everyone. 

It is especially hard on you and there are times that you really need a hug and understanding. 

While your Husband is there hold his hand.

[LTT1]

@Vivian@Laura14

A few days ago I "stumbled" upon your thread from 2015 (!) and in it you said you "suspected" that your DH might have Alzheimer's; 12-15-2015! Isn't this weird? I might wonder if family dynamics in December affect your family?

So, it has been three years for you. My panic over the driving issue began with DH back in April, you probably remember.

I thought of you and what a lovely levelheaded person you are; you gave me strength to face some things and you may not have known it.

My interaction with Alzheimer's org has been helpful (some) and at least comforting.

Our PCP refused to step in...but perhaps it is not time yet. If DH doesn't take his supplements at the right time he "fades." If he has an infection going on, his symptoms worsen. 

I thought that some of the "helpers" at Aorg had a reaction that was too panicked.  So when they said DH should not drive ("he will kill people") I decided that was too knee-jerk. They don't know me personally so they might not  make a good decision.

Lots of luck getting our DD to "side" with me when the time comes to take the keys...so far, she doesn't want to be involved. She might change her mind when the time comes. (?)

I think it is troubling when a spouse has a negative attitude toward the spouse...usually out of character. But I did read that a person with cognitive issues remembers just enough to come off as "normal" to doctors and other family members who see them on a rmore limited basis.

DD may be seeing more decline than she wants to discuss.  When we go to visit the occasions are rarer that DH drives.

This post is not as comforting as it should be.  I think the day you wrote this and needed a hug you were REALLY needing one.  I hope since that day things have eased up.  I hope your health is remaining constant.

I hope for you to have a warm holiday with smiles for each other.💞💗💞

[Vivian]

Lovestoteach, thank you so very much. Things have calmed down with my daughter. My grandson, her son, came to visit this past weekend and was very supportive. He’s our oldest grandchild and has always been close to us. It was very reassuring to have his support. I see now that my daughter meant well but she was so aggressive in trying to take charge that she alienated my husband and really bothered me. She may still be upset with us but the rest of the family is on our side. Those who have spent more than the one day my daughter spent with us can see how we meet the challenges. I take everything a day at a time, the driving one trip at a time. This is how I can keep my husband away from driving. With short term memory loss, this works best.

[ItsME]

[Greeneyedlady21]

@Vivian I hope things remain on a more even keel. I admire so much what you are doing for your husband. As a former caregiver only as of this past June, I know how impossible it is to do even little things for you and how impossible it is to remember that you matter too. You do matter too and you need love and support. I wish you all the best.

[Lisa Y]

I’m sending you hugs, too, plus a few emojis to make you smile.

😄🍷🌈🎁❤️😻

[LTT1]

@Vivian

Are personalities inheritable? 

I think my DD inherited traits from my mother! 

And some are just baffling to me.

[aroc3435]

@LTT1  Definitely.  My daughter has many personality traits similar to my deceased mother; very much loved her and my daughter but oh when the battle of wills starts . . . and my son, who is a couple of years younger is very much like my cherished father and me.

We loathe conflict and try and keep it at bay if at all possible.  We accentuate the positive.  Negativity reaps nothing good, usually, is our motto, unless there is a core principle at stake.

[BeccaLou]

You have a bunch of HUGS  !!!   You also are in my prayers.

[CalminHeart]

I'm so sorry.  Ahlzheimers is a horrible disease and affects you and your family as much as it does your husband.  

It's easy to let your husband move the car down the driveway. It's just a little ways and your husband feels whole doing it.  It may seem like nothing but could become a big deal if he decides to keep going or hits a worker while doing it.

While your daughter is 100% correct, her yelling was not ok, but it was a sign of her worries and concerns.  Don't forget that she is also going through this illness and is stressed, worried, afraid, sad, etc.

Have you two sat down and talked, opened up to each other about your fears and concerns?  Have you talked about how to be a team?  Do you need some joint counseling to deal with your grief and fears?

A friend of mine took care of her mom for 10 years after she was diagnosed.  A couple of tips.

Hide your car keys.  Lock up the spare keys.  Get a small locked safety box if needed.  Hide the key or code for it.  

At some point, you'll have to put different locks on your doors that your husband can't open.  It's for his safety.

Don't be lax about what's best for your husband, you and your family.  Life is no longer what it was and you can't assume your husband can handle things like he used to.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.... respite care, occasional day care, occasional or regular in-home care.  There are lots of options. You need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of your husband.

Someday, the time will come that you can't provide the care your husband needs.  Don't be afraid of it.  Embrace it and look for the best care and be part of that care.  Be involved every day.  

I wish you all the best.