Among Friends

[Newgate]

Today my neighbor nextdoor was telling me that she is going through something I remember experiencing when all of my grandchildren were very young!  She is a new grandmother and she said the other grandma is also new and is being very competitive about the things she buys for the new baby and how much time she is spending with him!  She does not want to compete back because she knows she must share!  I told her it would probably wear off as the child gets older!   Anyone had that experience?

[Sooner]

Family jealousies end a lot of relationships and marriages.  The grandparent who feels this way should back off, mind her own business, and have whatever relationship with the grandkids she can have.

Kids love their grandparents for who they are.  It is hard to love an angry, competitive person who starts wanting to be with the child to out-do or spite the other set of grandparents.

It is easy to love a happy, confident grandmother who dishes out love, time, and cookies, hugs and kisses, and thinks you are the most wonderful kid in the world.

I am not a grandparent, but I have seen grandparents that play tug of war with the grandkids and it one of the saddest things I've seen.  One upmanship has no business here.  Usually one person can buy more stuff than the other one.  That's not what being a grandparent is about.  Let it go and love the baby.

[Karnerblue]

Not with the grandmother thing, but with other family members ... daughter-in-laws, aunts, etc.

[Desertdi]

Eee gads...........I come from the MOST competitive family you can imagine.  Luckily, my job transferred me thousands of miles away from them.    I now have only one living relative........and she is STILL "in competition" with me.  I personally don't care WHO has the the best house, the most expensive car, the biggest diamond......etc. etc. etc.

[Big Sister]

@Newgate, how sad that she thinks she has to "buy" the child or its mother for their love.  She does sound insecure.

[qualitygal]

It's not a competition, as you said. The unique specialness of each person who loves the baby should be celebrated instead. Wait'll they become a teenager. My poor sister knows her time is limited now as to how much time they have for that person. As a great aunt, that's once removed from that.

[gmkb]

There is no competition.  Each grandparent responds to the child in a way that makes them comfortable.  Just as adults have more rapport with some, so will the child.  My husband shows up with nothing in hand for the children, yet my grandson thinks he is beyond perfect because they click at a deeper level.  My advice to your neighbor is be yourself, don't compete, and the child will accept you at face value.

[Perkup]

Yes, it is a compeetition in many ways.  And Grandmothers do compete with each other for the baby's "affection".  I've seen it with my chldren over and over.  It was awkward for me as their Mom.  Each would show up with gifts or yummies in the hope of getting more attention from the little ones.  Often things that I as their Mother didn't want or feel that the children needed.

I appreciate the man mentioned above who came with nothing but his open arms for his grandson - just goes to show that what children really need is love to fill their hearts with joy.   Not toys to fill their rooms.

[Still Raining]

This could say more about your neighbor's insecurities than about the other grandma.  Why would she care what else is bought for the kids?  In our family the parents and both sets of grandparents usually coordinate for big gift occasions just so we don't buy the same thing. 

[chrystaltree]

I'm not a grandmother yet but I had grandmothers and my friends and my sister are grandmothers and I think the competition between the grandmother never ends.  Even when the grandmothers are friends, there is always competition to be the most loved.  I think it's natural, just a part of being human.  I also think that the mother's mom, always has the upper hand.  Mothers are the greatest influence in a childs life and if she is close to her mother, then her mom is predominant grandmother.  I think your friend sees it as competition but that's because she's the one looking in from the outside.  She thinks the other grandmother is consciously cuttig her out but she probably isn't doing that at all.  She needs to be very careful about what she says and how she reacts.  Rather than focusing on the other grandmother, she should just focus on loving the child and bonding with the child and being the best grandmother she can possibly.  If she shows signs of resentment or anger or jealosy now, she'll create a family problem only lead to problems down the line.  Problems that will go on for decades.