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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,159
Registered: ‎05-24-2015

@Calcgirl 

 

Your son said they talked about it and decided to keep it just family?

 

I’m confused as to who your son thinks you are if not family?

 

If this bothers you, talk directly to your son. Tell him that it’s hurtful the way he’s treating you. Be honest with him. He’s a big boy and the onus is on him to make it right.

 

Stop being a punching bag for your DIL and her mother.

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,892
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

I'm sorry you're being left out. No one can hurt us as much as our kids can, at any age. The story of a close friend raises a question. She's divorced, with two grown children and four grandchildren. The only time they have her join them on trips is when she pays for everyone and everything. It bothers me that she allows herself to be used that way, but she has money and she wants to travel with them. Could that be a factor here? Can you ask why you're never included? It might be worth doing. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,908
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: Feeling Left Out

[ Edited ]

@Calcgirl I believe a lot of us have felt what you are feeling now.  Maybe the circumstances are different but the feelings are still the same.

 

I agree with those who have said, in so many words.... "let it go".  One day they will realize how it was for you, when and if they experience it.  It is a new generation and they do things differently then we did and they see a lot of things differently then we would.  While we don't always understand it...it is what it is. 

 

My choice would be to do things with people outside the family or maybe with siblings or whomever...have as much fun as you can, while you can....with them or without them. This lets you know (and them) that you can have a life outside of your family and be happy.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,524
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Calcgirl - You are completely justified in feeling left out. I am so sorry that this is happening to you.  Your son should know better, and out of respect for you, he should care and bother to explain to you why you are never included, and only his MIL is, on their vacations. That said, it is probably too touchy, uncomfortable, and embarrassing a subject for him to broach with you, especially because he probably doesn't want to upset you. 

 

A possible solution? Invite all of them, DIL, son, grandkids on a day trip somewhere to a place they can all enjoy. Pick a mutually agreeable day and for obvious reasons, do not include your DIL's mom. She is given (or pays for) enough of their time. All you can do is fully enjoy your own private visits with all of them. It doesn't have to involve a large outlay of money. It could be a visit to a park and lunch on a blanket or at a picnic table (depending upon the climate where you live), and even a visit to a nearby art show or museum. Something fun and enjoyable for everyone.

 

Is your son's wife from a wealthy family, or did your DIL's mother benefit from a large insurance payout when (and if) her husband died?  It might be that her mother does spring for or contribute a lot of money toward their trips together, as others here have suggested. Perhaps the only reason they take those trips together is because her mother pays almost entirely for them. And of course, neither your DIL or her mother would think to include you in that scenario, and they wouldn't even think it rude to exclude you from their vacations if it is at her (DIL's mother's) expense. That is possible. 

 

Wishing you the best in finding a way to successfully counter their exclusion of you.  Try not to take it personally, and do your best to enjoy their company when they come for visits to see you and spend their time with you.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,723
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Calcgirl I am glad you told your son that you would like to be included. If you are quiet he will think that you are okay with it.

I hope you feel like you can bring it up, again.

It's difficult. But, you would like to be included & sometimes you need to insist that things change before they will change.

But, be prepared. It may be as simple as they didn't really know that you cared to go, or some other simple reason.

Or it could be something that will hurt you. 

I am someone that would want to know the truth & deal with it. 

Hopefully it is just an oversight.

Please, talk to your son again or your DIL? Family can be tough.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,050
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Calcgirl wrote:

I am a widow with two grown children that I get along with. I never ask for help and never get into their affairs.  When they call or visit I keep it positive. The issue that is making me sad is that my married son and his wife always take her mother with them on vacations but have never invited me. I never have said anything, but it hursts me. I have always treated his wife like my own daughter and her children as my own grandchildren. Her two kids are now in college. The one has a family weekend coming up and they are all going, I asked my son if I could also attend because I would love to see where my granddaughter goes to school ( it is in another state) and to see her, He said they talked about it and decided to keep it just her family.  I have always spent the same amount on her children as I do on my other grandkids and treated them with the same loving care since they were small when they married.  Sorry to keep venting,  I just have been in tears because i feel left out and not needed. I am in my early 70's and an active person, so I know I should shrug this off, but it is hard to do so.

Thank you for listening.


 

I'm in a similar boat and in your age range. The pain is heart wrenching sometimes. Slooooowly, I'm learning to accept it. But it still hurts when he forgets my birthday, holidays, Mother's Day, etc. Just a phone call would make me happy.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,206
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Calcgirl  I'm just wondering if your son's MIL is also alone? 

 

In any case, it is nothing personal to you, I'm sure!  Whether paying or not, it seems more usual that a wife's mother somehow gets precedence. I know I've see it often in my own family.

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,487
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

I certainly understand your feeling left out, i would want to know why they do this ,a talk with your son is needed.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,248
Registered: ‎06-07-2010

I was thinking....I never take part in family "outings" when my son's in laws are there. I only see them if there is a party for one of my grandchildren. We all get along fine, it is just how it is. I do not mean to be rude but why do you think you think you must be included in all their family gatherings? I hope I did not hurt your feelings it is just how I feel. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 33,760
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

@Calcgirl   I feel badly that you are being left out. Family dynamics are always so difficult and especially when in-laws are involved. We do always need to tread lightly.

 

When my children got married, I knew things had changed and my place was to be shared with many others who wanted and needed equal time. Sometimes I get asked to go and other times not.

 

Never apologize for coming here to express how you feel especially if you're  sad. Your concerns are valid. I  understand your coming here for any help and suggestions.

 

Hoping things get better for you. My only thoughts are to have a gentle conversation with your daughter in law about how you feel about her (positive and loving talk)  and let her know you hope in the future, she'll consider including you and thinking about how you feel being left out. Let her know you're sad and wish you'd be included sometimes when they make plans. Also include your close feelings for her and her children. Often kids "forget" or don't realize how simple actions can hurt us deeply and that getting older makes us feel alone.

 

Good luck and hope you perk up a bit. You do always have us here and you are Among Friends.

 

***BTW, my son and daughter in law with my granddaughters are going to VA for her family's thanksgiving holiday. I'm not included and we'll be alone w/ a small turkey/fixings. I would not be making that trip because we both have work obligations, but it'd still be considerate to ask us. This is happening to some of us at one time or another.

 

Unfortuneatly, we can be a forgotten generation as our kids get busy with their kids, spouses, and another family to keep peace with. They're in a tough situation, too.