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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,201
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Feeling Left Out

[ Edited ]

@Janey2 wrote:

I was thinking....I never take part in family "outings" when my son's in laws are there. I only see them if there is a party for one of my grandchildren. We all get along fine, it is just how it is. I do not mean to be rude but why do you think you think you must be included in all their family gatherings? I hope I did not hurt your feelings it is just how I feel. 


@Janey2  I somewhat agree. Actually, my SIL's mother & family are never at family functions. And if they have something going on, we're never invited to those.

 

I don't know if there is an explanation. And I doubt very much if @Calcgirl 's son could explain anything.

 

The daughter usually sticks to the mother. That's all.

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,866
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Feeling Left Out

[ Edited ]

You absolutely have to say something, but it must not be confrontational or accusatory. It's difficult to speak up because you're confused and emotional about it.  Wait for the moment when your son or daughter-in-law mentions an upcoming or previous trip and just lightly say, "Hey, I'd like to go with you sometime! Keep me in mind for that!"  


i've been in situations where I needed to "say something," but it was so hard. The best bet is to keep it light, brief and smile.  Whatever happens, just move on. It is what it is.  

Could you go see your granddaughter alone, without them? Or take a friend with you?  You could spend a little time with your granddaughter, maybe at a time when she is not overly busy and she can give you a campus tour and maybe do dinner with you? and then do some local sightseeing wherever she is. When discussing with your son and daughter-in-law, you could just say I really want to see "Mary" and her school. Keep it light. 

 

In the meantime, keep your own life active, full of friends and other family. I understand your hurt.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,830
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

@Calcgirl   There's a saying I always remember: "A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life".

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,786
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Calcgirl ..  I feel your pain.   My sister-in-law excluded my mother and I on many trips and activities for my 3 nieces.   I tried to be included but I was always turned down.  My brother also tried but eventually gave up.  Once my nieces left home and were out on their own I was able to make plans with them.  I wish I could give you advise as to what to do about the situation.  But you are in my thoughts.  

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Posts: 4,062
Registered: ‎03-28-2010

My MIL believed that when we were with her, tht was her time.  And that when we were with my Mom, that was my Mom's time.  My Mom lived in PA, my sister in NJ (so does my MIL) and at the time me, husband and daughter was living in California.  We would travel East every summer and divide time between Grandma's and what our trip time allowed.  However, one trip had to be just NJ because we were tearing down a house and contents had to be empty.  Lots of work to do.  I had asked my MIL if my Mom could stay one night at her house until my sister can pick her up which was to be the next day, so not even 24 hours.  She said yes but a little while later called and said "No, that when we're with her, that's her time and vice versa."  I was taken back, hurt, angry.  Could it be the other grandma feels something like this?  I would definitely hae a conversation with your son.  

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Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Well, this is just me, but I would never ask again.  I wouldnt make a thing out of it because I wouldnt want to make things hard for my son.  If they ask you for another outing and you want to go, absolutely go. Enjoy yourself.  You know what that old addage is...A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life.

But it hurts!

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Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Calcgirl   One time my oldest niece was going to the mall with some friends to celebrate her birthday.  My niece wanted me to go.  So we asked my sister-in-law but she said that the trip to the mall was just for the kids.  Afterwards I found out that her mother and sister went.  This is only one example out of countless incidents.   

 

I  forgot to mention that my mother and I were not even permitted to make plans to do things with my nieces on our own.  Only my sister-in-law's family counted.

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Registered: ‎05-24-2010

@Calcgirl Your hurt is valid, and your feelings are valid. This was insensitive on the part of your son and daughter-in-law.

 

Wait until you feel calm, and you have your emotions in check, then tell your son how you feel. Why in the world would they exclude you from a celebration. Especially if you have a good relationship with step grandchildren. That is a blessing for all involved.  

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,242
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Calcgirl I am sorry for your unhappiness, family life is sometimes difficult.  I'll ask you if your family and the DIL's family do things a lot differently like more trips,  get-togethers, do things your family did not do?  I have seen that be a problem leading to divorce and unhappiness.

 

 The fact that there is tension between you and DIL could be a factor in whether or not they invite you. 

 

I honestly think you can't expect to be included, nor should you have to include her family in what your family does.  I guess my feeling is live and let live and don't compare oranges to apples so to speak.

 

A divorce occured in my family and the match that lit the fire wasa similar situation to what you described.  If you son is happy with the trip he probably feels guilt over it already.  I don't see a point in making it worse for him, which will test his loyalty to you or wife. 

 

I feel uncomfortable saying this, but I saw it play out and would feel bad if I didn't say it as well.  I certainly am not trying to hurt feelings, but maybe save some pain for you in the long run.   Fine and encourage joy in a good relationship with your son and what your family enjoys and try to let it go with that and not compare. 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,548
Registered: ‎06-10-2015

One can tell by some of the responses here that they have not or are not in this type of situation.  

Saving time & trouble. If I offend you, I am sorry.