Among Friends

[Tinkrbl44]

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@libbyannE wrote:

 I am going to be brutally honest here. I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. I truly am. Of course it isn't easy. However you have quite a bit of support – more than a lot of people. I also "hear" in your comments that you are a kind of record keeper, keeping track of what you do for people versus  what they do for you. That can be a turnoff to people and can actually push people away. I am not saying this to be unkind but simply to make an observation. It may be that when people have shown up, you have been advertently turned them off by mentioning that they hadn't been there for a while or they aren't doing enough or whatever? So they may have walked away or just decided to get on with their lives. And as for somebody taking a trip to see someone else, if you love them you should be glad that they are getting on with their lives. So I'm hearing some messages from you that suggest that you're focusing on yourself a bit too much – which is hard not to do when you have been ill, I understand – and perhaps pushing some people away without realizing you are doing it. I may be wrong but I wanted to share this observation for what it's worth. 

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@libbyannE

I think you hit the nail right on the head .... there's a lot of record keeping here,  and I did this so you should do that,  you should know what I want, blah blah blah.  JMO, of course.

Furthermore, I still fail to see how anyone was "betrayed".  OP, where is the betrayal?   

Why are you assuming people can read your mind?  Why aren't you asking for what you need?

I have no way of knowing how much this applies to you, but there are some people who just will never be satisfied by others' efforts ... and they just need to make other people wrong "because if you really loved me, you would KNOW what I want ....." .   

OP, as I stated upthread, I hope you heal quickly and are soon back to normal, but PLEASE don't go around holding grudges later because people didn't behave like you imagined in your mind they would behave.  That's just self-sabotage and most people distance themselves from that sort of emotional blackmail, whether it's conscious or not.   No one wants to spend time with score keepers  .... they are just not pleasant people to be around.    I should know ... I grew up with one.

[sweetee2]

                    Deanne,  I have to say Thank You before I read anymore. A truer stayment was never written.I too am a giver and I was happy to do so. I to am going through a ruff patch myself. Took care of father with MS, no help from 5 siblings. When he passed here they come for a share of everything. My closest brother whom I have given a lot of money and bought him lots of food, paid his bills, given a car, wanted half. It didon't happened. His wife sent me an horrible letter. I will never talk to him again.

[athenian]

@bootsanne  I am glad you are recovering.  When we have had a serious illness, at first all our energy is focused on getting out of the hospital, getting home.  It really is harder in a way when we are on the road to recovery.  We want to be well as we were before, and it is frustrating to have to rest, slow down, and accept help.  Just as physically we are healing, our emotions are, too.  We feel "tender" because our whole life has been turned upside down.  

I would not think now about others who don't have your generous, caring spirit.  Perhaps they are uncomfortable around illness, or see you as a strong "mother" figure and can't face that you are mortal like everyone else.  I have a wonderful generous friend who is the worst care giver to her immediate family.  They tell her not to come.  She just isn't good with illness.  Doesn't mean she doesn't love them.

When you are ready, I would suggest calling one of these relatives and suggesting that you would like to go out to lunch, or a movie, and I bet they'll gladly take you.

Meanwhile, please be sure your wonderful husband is getting enough rest, and keeping healthy.  You are so lucky to have him.  

[momoftwo2007]

Some people are just very self-centered, cold, and incosiderate. I have people in my family like your "best friend", and niece and nephews.  When you expect them to reach out or be generous, you are going to be dissapointed.  I am very sorry that they are the way they are, but you should stop trying to wait for them to change their ways, because people don't change.

[aggravated]

My husband is extremely disappointed.  Four nieces and nephews.  Baptisms, First Communiions, Confirmations, dance recitals, graduations, etc., spent many holiday with my sister/husband and her family, many presents, never hear from any of them.  A Xmas card from one.  That's it.

I know when I was young I kept in touch with my older aunts, visited, etc. - they were always extremely loving and thoughtful to me.

Now this.  Oh well.

[chrystaltree]

You say you have a wonderful husband who is there for you and sister in law and a brother who also are supportive.  You should be grateful that you have three such wonderful people.  You are far from alone.  As for the people who have disappointed you, I think you probably are expecting too much from them.  Yes, it would lovely if all the people who shared the good times with us were with us during the bad times too but that just isn't the case and I think you know that.  There are many reasons for it, some people don't want to us if we aren't our happy, happy selves.  Yes, it's selfish of them but people can be selfish.  Some people are busy and all wrapped up in their own problems.  And then there are the people who we think are close to us when actually they aren't.  The relationship is one sided.  We just don't know it until something like this happens.  So, since you have people who love and support you; accept that and be grateful and put the others out of your mind.  Being angry and bitter is pointless.  Just shrug it off and get on with your life.  And when you are feeling better, you might want to pull back a little from the people who weren't there when you needed them.  I don't mean cut ties.  I mean just don't be so involved with them. 

[Perkup]

Perhaps this has already been said.  My Dad gave me many pieces of advice, one in particular that has served me so well through my 81 years.

 "Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed."

No truer words have ever been spoken.  

[Lilysmom]

@bootsanne et al, I feel that some people are being a bit too critical about your expectations from your family and close friends.  Some times it takes an event like this to give yourself a wake up moment.

I come from a large family.  There are only one of two of us that can be counted on in significant life events including health issues and fatal illnesses.  I have been down the road enough times to know who will show up in the next emergency.  Not many is the short answer.  I also know that if I get sick, the line up for help will be short.  

I have come to the place where I do what I can to help in these situations.  I don't expect anything in return.  What I do know is that I sleep good at night.  I am never bothered in my conscience that I disappointed those close to me who are in crisis.  That's enough.  

Take this as a life experience.  We learn best from the hard lessons.  Don't stop being the giving person you are.  If you want to pull back for a bit as you recover, do it.  Look after yourself and cherish those who are there for you in your time of need.

Wishing you a speedy and full recovery.  LM

[KentuckyWoman]

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.  By that I mean focus on the love and support of those who surround you and stop worrying about things you can't control.  I understand that you feel like they are ignoring you but I am sure they love you even if they aren't being a supportive as you like.  People get busy and sloppy about checking in with those we love. 

[Isobel Archer]

For those concerned about "record keeping" - who doesn't notice when they have given and given and given and then when they are in need themselves, those they have given to are nowhere to be found.

Oh wait - maybe those being critical have not been the givers.  Hmmmmm.