Among Friends

[K9buddy]

I can't imagine having a full time caregiver who doesn't drive and then having to pay people to transport her to doctors appointments, grocery store, etc.  That money must sure add up. 

[Vanillaorchid]

I agree that it is unfair to "punish" family members who live closer by expecting them to do everything just becuase they did not choose to move far away and other family members did.

I hate to see people treated like that.

[San Antonio Gal]

After reading all the posts, it seems like the solution would be to get an aide that can drive and understands

English.

I know your mom likes the aide a lot, but the transportation issue is a big issue.  Just think of how much easier it would be to have an aide that can do 100% of what's required insead of 75%.

[CrazyDaisy]

You said it yourself, your brother and sister in law help out when they can.  They also have a life and responsibilities, just like you.  Expecting them to do anymore than they can just because they are closer is taking advantage of them.

I agree your mother needs an aid that can drive and speak English.  She is being paid to be her primary care taker.  This is a discussion to have with your mother.  If she wish to remain independent what is she willing to compromise.

[Sooner]

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@Vanillaorchid wrote:

I agree that it is unfair to "punish" family members who live closer by expecting them to do everything just becuase they did not choose to move far away and other family members did.

I hate to see people treated like that.

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@Vanillaorchid To put the shoe on the other foot, what about parents who refuse to move closer to kids even when they know they need help?  What do you do about that? 

Nothing about this whole issue is usually fair or good and I don't have an answer except that kids or relatives are often asked to do or give more than they are capable of and what do we do about that?????  

As I say I have no answers but I understand the issues involved. Realistically people can't quit their jobs or leave their families, and what do you do when your older relative refuses to give any about moving, having help, using a phone, etc. etc. etc.  

It's as I hear people say having the responsibility without the authority. . . It's a no win situation.

[Twins Mom]

Since a few people mentioned grocery delivery, I was talking to a lady in line who mentioned wanting to get delivery for her mother but she also noticed that her mom’s friends used it as a means to socialize with someone. That said, it can be over used. Oh my. Answers rarely clearcut.

[patbz]

If you are creative there are work arrounds for just about any problem; I know, I did it.  My brother and I live on West Coast, my parents lived in their own home in Silver Spring.  My Mother had cancer and a TIA (which morphed into dementia), my Father had Macular degeneration and Parkinsons.  I hired and managed a team of caregivers from the West Coast and made occasional trips to Silver Spring.  I had a manage hiring medical taxis (pre Uber), home repairs, dealing with hospital stays, planning funerals, etc (upon looking back on this, I did a great job).  One thing I did (that was informative and put my mind at ease) was hire an elder care specialist to complete an in home assessment.  She pointed out a few minor safety improvements and also helped me devise a funeral plan.  Her services were a couple hundred dollars and well worth it.

[patbz]

@Twins Mom :  Grocery delivery is a great idea, if it's available (it's not, in my rural area).

[GCR18]

I would just look into the ride part and leave the rest alone.  Making too many changes may disrupt the apple cart.  If the neighbor is good with the shopping trip, firm things up.  Maybe check with the Drs office about rides to medical appointments.  Uber may be fine, but a company that transports elderly patients may be better equipped and use to helping the rider in and out of the car.

[blackhole99]

I have never met anyone at 97 who is sharp as a tac, she may be with it at certain times of the day, but not always. If Mom was that sharp she wouldn't need an aide 24/7.I know it's hard when you don't live close to a parent who needs help, but it is what it is. If you can't reason with your Mother about needing an aide that drives, then you know she isn't being realistic about her situation. That being said, if you don't have control over her finances and what happens to her personally it's a moot point, Mom can do what she wants.