Among Friends

[patbz]

@Vivian :  You are a good daughter and a good wife and your plate is full.  I like the idea that Uber app be installed on your brother's phone and use a separate account for your Mom;  That makes it both ways to order a ride and also provides accountability (when I was my parents guardian and my parents choice was to hand the lead caregiver several thousand dollars at a time to cover groceries, taxis etc;  over the years of this arrangement there was never any fraud--we were lucky).

[Mominohio]

@Vivian 

I don't really think I have anything to offer as a real solution, but do want to say I can feel your pain. It's hard as we age and have parents that need help. We often find ourselves not as helped by siblings as we should be able to expect. 

My situation is a bit opposite yours. I live close, my brother about three hours away. I do 99% of what she needs or wants because he simply won't. It isn't that he can't, he has the time, he has the money, he has the skill. He just is in a kind of silent, passive aggressive game where if he knows she needs/wants it (or that I do, in dealing with her stuff) he isn't going to do it. And he's pretty unapologetic about it too. I've just resigned myself to do what I can, but it definitely sets the tone for how I feel about him, as a son, a brother and a person. 

It is sad they refuse her. At her age I would think it would be a blessing (even if there is past strife or she is a bit difficult) to have her around and a privilege to do for her more often. 

But I agree, if she isn't into the technology, it's all just a waste of time and a source of frustration for her. I have never used Uber, but the stories you hear, I can't imagine letting someone that age get into a car with people they don't know, unless the aide is going with her, and even then, they both are a bit vulnerable. 

I hope you find a good solution, as you don't need more stress in your life either. 

[haddon9]

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@kaydee50 wrote:

Just curious--what does the "aide" do?  How does she get to your mom??  I would think one of the duties would be to take your mom to appointments/shopping?  Can't he/she arrange for a ride?  

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@kaydee50   I'm surprised about the aide too.  My 93 year old mother still lives in an over 55 community but with aides who take her everywhere.

[goldensrbest]

I wonder if the op 's brother will be there to get what he can ,after his mom is gone.

[FancyPhillyshopper]

I think it is somewhat unfair for others to expect adults to become non-stop caregivers for their elderly parents, especially when they have their own family responsibilities, whether that be work or home.

I also think it is unfair for those that live closer to be expected to do more by the rest of the family.   

Care-giving is very stressful and breeds resentment, sorrow, anxiety, and depression.  It is extremely time-consuming and can be a very costly endeavor.

I am sure the 24/7 aide has her hands full and needs time off. 

Uber drivers are not thoroughly vetted and I am not sure I would trust my elderly mother alone with them. You may want to discuss with the neighbor his/her availability to perform ongoing driving services.

Obviously a decision was made that the mother wants to still live independently in her own home. However, she also needs to recognize her limitations and the amount of demands/needs she has, how those may continue to grow and intensify, and how her children will address the potential situations. Budget issues such as transportation needs should also be reviewed.

This sounds like a family meeting/discussion is in order to make some decisions.

I wish your mother many more birthdays.

[lolakimono]

@Vivian 

How about getting Mom's groceries delivered by Peapod or another service?  Does someone (you, she or your brother) have Amazon Prime?

[lulu1]

I would be very uncomfortable having UBER take a 97 year old and her limited English speaking aide to her doctors' appointments.  If family can't or won't take her to the appointments, I'd look into an advocate at the very least. There is no way the aide can possibly understand all doctors' instructions. I would not let a stranger transport my mother at this point in her life.

[Vivian]

I signed up for home delivery of groceries a couple of years ago. Mom tells me what she wants and I place the order for her. However, my mother really enjoys going to the supermarket and choosing the food herself. Her neighbor has been good about taking her every other week or so. My mother pays her and prefers that to my ordering groceries for her online.

[Shanus]

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@kaydee50 wrote:

Just curious--what does the "aide" do?  How does she get to your mom??  I would think one of the duties would be to take your mom to appointments/shopping?  Can't he/she arrange for a ride?  

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@kaydee50   I was thinking the same thing. When my mom reach the point of needing care 24/7, we would have only hired an aide who could drive. There were appts. to take her to and in case of emergency, she could get her to the hospital or urgent care. Groceries and meds were delivered since she couldn't be left alone.

[Sooner]

Would'a, should'a, could'a.  Why didn't you?  Why don't you?  How terrible.  etc. etc. etc.

You can't make a parent move or go to assisted living.  You can't make them do anything.  You can't quit your job and move near them.  You can't leave your own family with issues, you have to deal with it when they run out of money.  

You have to deal with trying to fix all the stuff that would be more or less easy if the parent would bend, compromise, or make some effort to make life easier.  Which they often won't. 

So please feel free to "should'a or why don't you," because if you've never been there, you have no idea what many of us are dealing with.   And some of us are old too I might add and have our own problems. 

Please try to put yourselves in the shoes of others who are struggling with family issues.  It isn't always easy.