Among Friends

[Vivian]

I have a friend, an acquaintance really, who wants to set the direction of our conversations. She tells me we cannot talk about this but we can talk about that. Her censoring our conversations is annoying. She will spend an hour or two talking about her problems but if I start mentioning my own problems, she suddenly has to go. I've come to the point where, when I see her name and number on caller ID, I don't answer the phone.

[GCR18]

I wouldn't book anymore lunches with her.  I'd sit back and let her pursue the relationship.  If you don't hear from her, she's not a friend.

[Zhills]

Now I know why I don't have that many friends!

Years ago, we had payphones.  You dropped your dime in the slot and dialed, yes, dialed the number.  
If the phone did not answer, it triggered a shelf "T" where your dime sat, to tilt forward and return your dime and it fell into a box on the front of the phone for you to retrieve.  
If your dialed phone answered, it triggered the shelf to tilt the other way and it dumped your dime into a collection box for the phone company.

I learned many years to let a lot of "judgements" sit on your "T" before reacting to the situation.  All of these negative responses YET nobody has a clue about what type emergency she may have been in and how bad she may feel about having to change without notice.

Think about it.  Just because it has happened before does not mean it is just a pattern of behavior and you do have to admire her loyalty to a very important job, paid or voluntary!  The child she may have saved could have been yours.

[NYC Susan]

---

@Vivian Florimond wrote:

I have a friend, an acquaintance really, who wants to set the direction of our conversations. She tells me we cannot talk about this but we can talk about that. Her censoring our conversations is annoying. She will spend an hour or two talking about her problems but if I start mentioning my own problems, she suddenly has to go. I've come to the point where, when I see her name and number on caller ID, I don't answer the phone.

---

I don't blame you at all.  I would do the same.  Friendships are not supposed to be one-sided.  One friend may need to talk a lot about herself and her own problems if she's working through a tough situation - That's understandable.  But overall it should balance out, and each one should be interested in the other, and willing to listen as well as to talk.

The censoring of topics would make me crazy.  In my experience, friendships are easy and enjoyable.  This doesn't sound easy or enjoyable at all!

[NYC Susan]

---

@Zhills wrote:

Now I know why I don't have that many friends!

Years ago, we had payphones.  You dropped your dime in the slot and dialed, yes, dialed the number.  
If the phone did not answer, it triggered a shelf "T" where your dime sat, to tilt forward and return your dime and it fell into a box on the front of the phone for you to retrieve.  
If your dialed phone answered, it triggered the shelf to tilt the other way and it dumped your dime into a collection box for the phone company.

I learned many years to let a lot of "judgements" sit on your "T" before reacting to the situation.  All of these negative responses YET nobody has a clue about what type emergency she may have been in and how bad she may feel about having to change without notice.

Think about it.  Just because it has happened before does not mean it is just a pattern of behavior and you do have to admire her loyalty to a very important job, paid or voluntary!  The child she may have saved could have been yours.

---

I disagree.  She's shown over and over that she's rude and inconsiderate.  Whatever the reasons for being so unreliable and inconveniencing someone else, at the very least she could have called.  Or texted.  Or something.  Her failure to communicate is inexcusable.  These were not emergency situations, she was not saving a child, and she absolutely should have contacted the OP.  In one instance, she let hours go by.  There's no excuse for that, no matter what kind of superhero skills she was called on to perform.

There's no reason to think she feels badly about this.  She simply blows it off, with a total lack of remorse.  And then she does it again.

Her loyalty to her job is fine, IMO.  But it's completely possible to be loyal to a job and also communicate with a friend.  "I'm sorry I have to cancel our plans, but they asked me to work".  At least that way, the OP wouldn't have wasted all that time and been left wondering.  Friends should not do that to friends.  I can't imagine in a million years treating my friends that way.