Caring for disabled siblings - Page 5

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@FiddleDeeDee I don't understand why people talk with their children about their wills (unless there is a need to do so).

I don't have kids but husband has two. He knows not to discuss our finances or our will with his kids. It is not their concern at this time...some day it might be a must but not now.

The kids mother's husband recently passed and she discussed her new will (money, who was in charge etc.) with the girls - big mistake, it caused a riff with the girls.

@Mom2Dogs Being very honest here, I hope I don't offend but I've been through this several times with having to deal with things after people die.

Somebody gets stuck with the details. Somebody spends a lot of time and effort on what happens after you die--kids, friends, relatives, or the state you live in.

If you have children, unless there is a gigantic rift and they pretty well are out of the picture, they deserve to know what will happen after you die and be able to deal with that. If they are inheriting it is nice to know they are loved and are family.

If they are being left in the cold, they need to know that too. Sometimes some (not saying you) but some twist the knife from the grave and nobody should have to live with that either.

Also, things need to be dealt with IF YOU EXPECT any of your kids to handle finances and bills from your accounts and that needs to be dealt with before as well as after you die if you become incapacitated (this is essential for your kids or another appointed Power of Attorney--and for medical authority if someone has to pull the plug or not). It isn't easy. Any of it, but it's the facts.

FiddleDeeDee · ‎03-06-2020

@Sooner wrote:
@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@FiddleDeeDee I don't understand why people talk with their children about their wills (unless there is a need to do so).

I don't have kids but husband has two. He knows not to discuss our finances or our will with his kids. It is not their concern at this time...some day it might be a must but not now.

The kids mother's husband recently passed and she discussed her new will (money, who was in charge etc.) with the girls - big mistake, it caused a riff with the girls.

@Mom2Dogs Being very honest here, I hope I don't offend but I've been through this several times with having to deal with things after people die.

Somebody gets stuck with the details. Somebody spends a lot of time and effort on what happens after you die--kids, friends, relatives, or the state you live in.

If you have children, unless there is a gigantic rift and they pretty well are out of the picture, they deserve to know what will happen after you die and be able to deal with that. If they are inheriting it is nice to know they are loved and are family.

If they are being left in the cold, they need to know that too. Sometimes some (not saying you) but some twist the knife from the grave and nobody should have to live with that either.

Also, things need to be dealt with IF YOU EXPECT any of your kids to handle finances and bills from your accounts and that needs to be dealt with before as well as after you die if you become incapacitated (this is essential for your kids or another appointed Power of Attorney--and for medical authority if someone has to pull the plug or not). It isn't easy. Any of it, but it's the facts.

@Sooner VERY well said.

*Four Seasons once again*

Jo1313 · ‎02-02-2021

@Mom2Dogs

Also, things need to be dealt with IF YOU EXPECT any of your kids to handle finances and bills from your accounts and that needs to be dealt with before as well as after you die if you become incapacitated (this is essential for your kids or another appointed Power of Attorney--and for medical authority if someone has to pull the plug or not). It isn't easy. Any of it, but it's the facts.

@Sooner VERY well said.

POA's are so important and medical authority..My kids have had to use both in the past few years for us..DH now has dementia everything is difficult for him.
They were told twice to make my funeral arrangements!..I'm still here.

You should also have beneficiaries on your bank accts.,pensions,etc..Someone..in our case my kids..they need to know where your assets are..they don't need to know what is the amt.

When my MIL passed..FIL had dementia..She never let her only child,my DH...where they had accts. He had so many problems trying to find all of them for his Dad.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@Sooner No offense taken, maybe I was not as clear as I should have been. I have no problem talking about end of life, where our wills and paper work is stored. Our lawyer, financial people, etc. We all have a good relationship...one lives hear us the other lives in the south west.

What is none of their concern is how much money we have and who gets what. It will be divided equally but right now they have no need to know.

When we married my yougest step daughter (probably via her mother) told her her that I married her dad for his money, ha, ha...he did not have money but that set the stage for me....I don't discuss nor does my husband discuss our finances with his kids.

conlt · ‎03-16-2010

In 2019, my mother died. My 53 year old brother was struggling. My mother always told me to take care of him. He was her baby, My parents really made him dependent and he struggled with her death.

He also, did not see doctors. His friend called me and said he had passed out in a resturant, refused 911, drove home, was stopped by the police but they let him drive home.

As a result, I took him to the ER. His blood sugar was over 400 and he had 3 strokes. Unbelievable, I started to teach him his insulin shots, etc. He was not coping well. He had 2 more strokes.

This was right at the start of Covid. He ended up in a rehab then nursing home. I had to become is POA etc. I have his house rented, because we hoped that he could come back.

Right now he does not walk, because he is not motivated. Right now, he is in a nursing home, incontinent, a total care patient.

After mom died, I thought I would have some type of relaxed life. I became a caregiver again. I take care of all of my brothers needs, pay his bills, organize his MD appointments etc.

I visit him in the nursing home, bring him good food. I love my brother but I am resentful that the lifestyle that he chose, not seeing doctors, smoking, caused his Diabetes to rage on and ruin his body. If he had gone to a MD, the Diabetes would have been found before it caused damage to his body.

I feel sorry for him, love him but heck, I am on my 8th year of as a caregiver now. I am 65 and still working but life is difficult.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@Sooner No offense taken, maybe I was not as clear as I should have been. I have no problem talking about end of life, where our wills and paper work is stored. Our lawyer, financial people, etc. We all have a good relationship...one lives hear us the other lives in the south west.

What is none of their concern is how much money we have and who gets what. It will be divided equally but right now they have no need to know.

When we married my yougest step daughter (probably via her mother) told her her that I married her dad for his money, ha, ha...he did not have money but that set the stage for me....I don't discuss nor does my husband discuss our finances with his kids.

@Mom2Dogs Well, different strokes! My family considered money "ours" and it was like we were all involved in the "business" of farming and living, and mom's job.

It was very open about what we made, had, and what the financial status was. Later in life, my husband always did the farm taxes.

I worked as a pre and teen in the "business" but wasn't paid for work, like shoveling barns and hauling, "office work" cooking, and etc., and didn't have an "allowance." I was given money if I needed something or wanted something reasonable--so I never considered money except what we all lived on and something not to be wasted.

I did have a "business" selling our coke bottles back to the store--anyone remember that as a kid?

Jo1313 · ‎02-02-2021

I did have a "business" selling our coke bottles back to the store--anyone remember that as a kid?

@Mom2Dogs

Sure do remember that..My Dad was the storekeeper who bought them back..and I had to wash them..LOL

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@@Sooner wrote:
@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@Sooner No offense taken, maybe I was not as clear as I should have been. I have no problem talking about end of life, where our wills and paper work is stored. Our lawyer, financial people, etc. We all have a good relationship...one lives hear us the other lives in the south west.

What is none of their concern is how much money we have and who gets what. It will be divided equally but right now they have no need to know.

When we married my yougest step daughter (probably via her mother) told her her that I married her dad for his money, ha, ha...he did not have money but that set the stage for me....I don't discuss nor does my husband discuss our finances with his kids.
@Mom2Dogs Well, different strokes! My family considered money "ours" and it was like we were all involved in the "business" of farming and living, and mom's job.

It was very open about what we made, had, and what the financial status was. Later in life, my husband always did the farm taxes.

I worked as a pre and teen in the "business" but wasn't paid for work, like shoveling barns and hauling, "office work" cooking, and etc., and didn't have an "allowance." I was given money if I needed something or wanted something reasonable--so I never considered money except what we all lived on and something not to be wasted.

I did have a "business" selling our coke bottles back to the store--anyone remember that as a kid?

@Sooner Yes, every family is different. Our finances stay between me, my husband and our financial advisor.

candys mine · ‎08-20-2012

They need to make a plan for her and ALL MONIES from the sale of the parents estate should go Solely to and espressly for the care and wellbeing of the disabled daughter. I'm SURE the siblings would be MORE than happy to see their sister cared for....Somewhere else.

Tough toenails to them if they whine.

Sage04 · ‎07-10-2011

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@@Sooner wrote:
@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@Sooner No offense taken, maybe I was not as clear as I should have been. I have no problem talking about end of life, where our wills and paper work is stored. Our lawyer, financial people, etc. We all have a good relationship...one lives hear us the other lives in the south west.

What is none of their concern is how much money we have and who gets what. It will be divided equally but right now they have no need to know.

When we married my yougest step daughter (probably via her mother) told her her that I married her dad for his money, ha, ha...he did not have money but that set the stage for me....I don't discuss nor does my husband discuss our finances with his kids.
@Mom2Dogs Well, different strokes! My family considered money "ours" and it was like we were all involved in the "business" of farming and living, and mom's job.

It was very open about what we made, had, and what the financial status was. Later in life, my husband always did the farm taxes.

I worked as a pre and teen in the "business" but wasn't paid for work, like shoveling barns and hauling, "office work" cooking, and etc., and didn't have an "allowance." I was given money if I needed something or wanted something reasonable--so I never considered money except what we all lived on and something not to be wasted.

I did have a "business" selling our coke bottles back to the store--anyone remember that as a kid?
@Sooner Yes, every family is different. Our finances stay between me, my husband and our financial advisor.