Among Friends

[Imaoldhippie]

The "wondering why conversation" is moot now.  They did not have the conversation.

IMO it would benefit all concerned to have the sister put in a home where she can get constant care.  Since the siblings are still working they would have to endure the expense of home care.  They are aging also.

[Puzzle Piece]

My husband cares for me and I'm blessed that he does.  I wouldn't want my siblings or his to do it.  

In fact, the siblings want us to care after them.  No way.  They just want money and fake anything to try to get some out of others.  

[NicksmomESQ]

  I have a friend with 2 adult children. She's divorced from their father & is remarried to my husband's friend for about 15 years.Her son has all sorts of physical & mental problems. He's autistic.His father isn't in the picture. He left when the children were little because he didn't want to deal with the son's issues.

 This son is now 40 years old & lives with his mom & stepdad,who care for him. It's been a challenge because he can't work & has gotten into trouble over the years, hacking into personal things he shouldn't be getting into into. Attorney fees have been constant, to keep him out of jail. They had to take away his laptop & have theirs under lock & key.

 They have developed some serious health problems. They're in their mid 70's. When she mentioned her son recently,I asked her if she made arrangements for his care, if anything should happen to her or her husband. She said she expects her married daughter to care for him. To insure that, she worded her will in a way where she only gets her inheritance ,if she takes her brother in.The daughter knows nothing about this. She has 2 little kids & a job!!

 I tried to tell her that was unfair & she needed to make arrangements for her son now. Maybe ease him into a group home while she can help him adjust.She told me that's what her husband wants too, but she refuses to do it.I tried to tell her that she's going to ruin her daughter's life.She refused to hear it.

 All I can do is mind my own business.I know that this isn't going to end well. 

[tends2dogs]

@NicksmomESQ  Your friend is so selfish to heap this burden onto her daughter........a working woman with children no less.  If she has a husband, this is a divorce waiting to happen.  Your friend needs to listen to her husband.  She needs to have a sit down talk with her daughter.  I hope your friend's husband tells his stepdaughter.

I can't imagine having to "handle" a 40 year old disabled, criminally minded man.  I wouldn't want to leave him alone in my home,  especially with young children.   

I would forgo the inheritance.  A shame.  This will taint her memory of her mother.

[Mom2Dogs]

I have an older sister about 76 years old...she has always been different.  I don't know of any medical diagnosis except she is very good at alienating her children and siblings.

She has trouble holding a job, and she has two different degrees that would have allowed her to have a good income.

She cannot work with others so now she does private home care, currently she is with a family as their 'nanny'.  I won't go into details but one daughter has already told her she cannot live with her and her family.  

I was always worried that she would ask to either live with me or would move to my small town...I have no desire to have to care for her...Harsh, maybe but family dynamics is difficult for others to understand unless they have walked in the same shoes.

[FiddleDeeDee]

@NicksmomESQ  @tends2dogs   money/inheritance is the carrot that is dangled when wanting to force a child into something you know FULL WELL they DO NOT WANT TO DO.  It's selfish, it's cruel, it's ethically and morally wrong.  Personally? I wish it were illegal because that would change many things in a situation like this. 

[moonandthestars]

I'm guessing the parents just assumed that family takes care of family.  More of an old fashioned assumption.  At least they think that the proceeds from the house will finance caring for the sister so they had that thought out to some extent.  I can understand the other children not wanting to take on this burden, but personally I would have been happier to hear that they would  be helping the parents research and come up with "the plan".

[Sooner]

I cannot state this often enough:  ANYONE facing a situation like the ones above needs to see an attorney who specializes in this ASAP.  You need to know what your financial obligations--if any are and what is entailed if you decide to take this on.

Financial decisions and actions must be taken farther out than 5 years before something happens or it could bankrupt you or take everything you inherit if you are an heir and wills and trusts state certain things.  You can really be left hanging. Understand what is coming down the road.

[Shanus]

@KBEANS   I think her heart was in the right place, but she did take it over the top.

[Cakers3]

@chrystaltree   Unfortunately you are right about no legal obligation for your siblings.

First your parents house needs to be put into trust for the care of your sister. The siblings are not entitled to anything despite what they may believe.

There should be a Medical Power of Attorney and an Advanced Directive for your sister. Actually your parents should have the same. They are not easy to do emotionally, believe me, but very important.

Obviously legal care advice is needed here and it looks as though you may be the one to initiate the process. There are options for financial considerations as well as housing and medical care.

It's important to have everything done for the care of your sister. She is the only person who matters.

This will not be easy but you are a strong person. I am sending you hope and care that this situation will be a benefit for her and piece of mind for you and your parents.

💐